Revealed! Republicans’ Secret Plan to Repeal Women's Right to Vote!

*hiccup*

Washington, DC – Unsolicited Drivel has uncovered a shocking scoop less than a week before Election Day!!! You’re welcome.  How did we discover this news? Simple. We had interns sneak through trash from offices of representatives from those states that like to give women the trans vaginal probe for fun and profit.

After tiring of seeing protest signs with slogans like, “If I want a politician in my vagina, I'll f*ck one!” Republicans are now in secret talks via email to repeal the 19th Amendment. One email stated the signs got on the GOP’s nerves even more if the poster board was purchased at a Hobby Lobby store.

Even though they’ve never read Article V from the Constitution (or any of it so it seems), they believe they have a solid plan. Here it is. Leaked just for you!

The plan is to have Karl Rove rig the midterm elections (His favorite pastime. Other than eating ice cream on a ribeye steak.) so the Republicans can take the Senate. Then they will have Governor-Dr.-Boy Bobby Jindal develop a top secret serum (even though they believe he paid some other Asian dude to take his MCATs and final exams) to put in the mouthy lady house members Starbucks (all of them) so they vote "yay" on repealing the 19th Amendment because they’ve just been essentially “rufied.” Now for keeping the rest of America’s women in their place… they are going to try and convince the fine folks from School House Rock to participate in aggressive ad campaign with subliminal messages about a woman’s place being in the kitchen and preferably pregnant with a child they will starve later. They plan to finance the television commercial time by acquiring Sarah Palin’s PAC money she’s constantly been spending on herself by repeatedly telling her how right purty she is.

He's to Pope Francis! Person of the Year!!

Take THAT, Palin.  Caribou Barbie with only be on the cover of Time when she FAILS. AGAIN.

Sarah Palin Drops Another "Smart Bomb"

What an ignoramus. Indiana Jones couldn't find her college diploma, let alone Donald Trump.

The GOP Trolls Are So Cranky on Social Media Lately

I can't imagine why? They voted for these people.

Sarah Palin to Screech at CPAC For Some Reason Again

I got my crib note all ready! You betcha!

Washington, DC – Former-half term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has been booked to speak (about what?) at this year's Conservative Political Action Conference again. 

Unsolicited Drivel received a copy of the press release from the conservative union making the announcement.



February 18, 2013 
Dick Hertz (202) 555-2345, wehateminorities@conservative.org 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE  
WASHINGTON, DC – The Conservative Union for Keeping America Armed and Conservative (CUKAAC) announced today that we were able to land Governor Sarah Palin like a mamma Grizzly bear we set a can of canned salmon out to attract this week and she will be speaking to represent our Americany views at the CPAC conference again this year March 13th - 16th!  For those of you have that been living underneath a rock somewhere (Afghanistan), Governor Palin was Senator John McCain’s GOP 2008 running mate* for Vice President, and was vetted for the job by just a de-worming and a trip to a beauty spa. She went on to help Senator McCain easily lose the presidential election by being a shrieking harpy with the attention span of a plate of Caribou jerky, but did so still looking very hot in $3,000 suits. Then Fox News hired her (temporarily) for some reason even though the head of the network felt she had all the intellect of a baby seal, but looked cute as a baby seal, so why the f*ck not sign her? Fortunately for us, Mrs. Palin still cleans up nicely and we were able to sign her on to speak just for Diet Dr. Pepper and bendy straws! And we can’t wait for her to remind Americans we still have white people here and Jesus was white too - not black as history dictates. We will continue to hire her while the Democrats are in the White House and/or until President Brownshirt Obama finally agrees to break off a piece of Alaska, which will be renamed 'Palinistan' just for Sarah's lovely God-fearing,  baby-makin' family.   And just to let you middle class people reading know, you'll need to pack a bag lunch to afford to eat in this fine town."

*Because Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's face scares babies.

Go Back to Wasilla, Vanilla

Fox News has one less bat-shit crazy Barbie working for it now...You betcha!

Hillary Clinton Goes Ballistic Over Some Guy Named Ben Ghazi

A very different kind of hot flash.

Washington, DC - Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was in the hot seat on Capitol Hill this morning to testify about the security breaches that led to the embassy attack in Benghazi, Libya to commemorate 9/11™ this year. 

When reached for comment, most of America replied, “I thought this was all about a guy named Ben Ghazi and I’m pretty sure he lives in Detroit. Why does Senator John McCain look like he forgot to take his laxative again? He's still not as hot as that Sarah Palin.”

Regardless, Secretary Clinton made it perfectly clear she doesn’t like to be in a room filled with grumpy old white dudes. Ignoring the loss of life on U.S. shores, she basically told the Senate hearing, “Go f*ck yourselves. People died. I know you cannot list my accomplishments because you have ‘girl goggles’ on, but I wouldn’t look like I would need the next four years at a spa to recover after I leave DC if I was just sitting around with my thumb up my ass like you dorks? You think John Kerry looks like Herman Munster now? Well imagine that in DOG YEARS!?! I'm not even sure you guys are human. Jury's still out on that one.”

Senator Rand Paul told Clinton, “If I weren’t planning my son’s defense for current and future drunk driving charges, or fantasizing about poisoning Kentucky ground water, I would have fired you little lady. Yessum.”   Senator Ron Johnson said, "I'm here to bitch-slap you for Wisconsin because Paul Ryan is too creepy."  Senator John McCain said, “I thought we were here to talk about people getting off of my lawn?”

Mitt Romney Sure Vetted Him Quickly!

And hey, he won't be spending all his VP candidate campaign money on shoes and bendy straws the way Sarah Palin did.  Richie might even bring in the young Republicans that Meghan McCain scares away too by being abnormally hot and logical.

The Conservative Brain Explained

Today Faces Backlash Over Sarah Palin Hosting Gig

New York – In what only can seem like “stunt casting”, as former Today host and Palin nemesis Katie Couric returned to morning television this week filling in for vacationing Robin Roberts on Good Morning America, NBC offered a guest spot to Sarah Palin on Today – today.

The former half-term Governor’s pending appearance was announced appropriately enough on April Fool’s Day, leaving many viewers to wonder if it was just a bad joke as she’s always complained about the “lamestream” media.  Once it was confirmed as being a real gig because Palin is shameless, social media weighed in on the her appearance this morning and as we are sure you can imagine, reaction was not entirely positive.  Here's a small sampling:

2Hot4U wrote: At least she dressed kind of like a biker chick.  That distracted me every time she opened her mouth.  And I appreciate what she said about wanting to punch a pregnant Jessica Simpson in the neck.  Or maybe she asked someone to punch her in the neck?  Or something.  Either one of them getting punched is a win-win.

Mad Martha wrote: I wouldn’t have questioned someone like Tori Spelling’s knowledge of pigs in a blanket the way that Sarah did by offering Caribou as a substitute for the beloved nitrate-filled pork in the white trash staple - Sarah’s white trash experiences aside.

SuperH8 wrote:  I kind was hoping she’d go rogue on Al Roker because she didn’t like the weather forecast.  It wasn’t good for snowmobiling.

Trixie T. wrote:  At first I thought she was an unusual choice for the “Today’s Professionals” segment, but then I remembered she’s been working professionally as a grifter since August 2009.

CurleyQue wrote:  I thought it was cool to have somebody say stupid things that they think are hilarious to Matt Lauer to make him feel uncomfortable. I’ve really missed that since Meredith Vieira left.

Mitt Romney to Announce Irish Setter as VP Pick

Madison, WI – Presumed GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney is in town this week for the Wisconsin primary on Tuesday and it’s expected that he’s going to make a bold announcement – the choice of his Vice Presidential pick.

Unsolicited Drivel has learned that the billionaire former governor has no plans to rest on his piles of cash through the rest of the primaries on the road to the Republican National Convention, but instead will announce an Irish Setter will be his running mate this week to stir up an unprecedented amount of public support for an out of touch rich dude.

 A spokesperson for the Romney campaign told us, “As you are aware, throughout the campaign there have been horrible allegations that Mitt allegedly strapped his pet Irish Setter, Seamus, to the roof of his car on a trip to Canada. I can assure you that’s merely hearsay. Americans really love their pets, and as most Americans can no longer afford to have children, the popularity of the household pet is rising even more. We have adopted Sean Fitzgerald Romney, whom I can assure you did NOT come from a puppy mill, to soften up Mitt’s image and gain what we believe will be a huge amount of votes. Sean already has his own suite – inside the bus – and the Secret Service has stepped up to protect him. And Americans need not worry about anything happening to Mitt should he become president and Sean having to actually step his paws into Mitt’s shoes to run the country. Irish Setters may not be the most intelligent breed, but they are at least as intelligent as Sarah Palin. And they have their shit together. But everyone knows that Mitt’s really a cyborg, so we can just have him easily repaired.”

Dennis Miller Hopes to Be Next Big A-Hole on the Radio

Los Angeles – Representatives for Dennis Miller said this week that the failed comedian/failed sportcaster hopes to become the next big, flaming, right wing a-hole in America as his radio show with Dial Global is going nationwide.

Miller’s camp told Unsolicited Drivel, “Clearly the handwriting is on the wall for Rush Limbaugh after the Sandra Fluke controversy.  If Rush finally caves to pressure from liberal scum and decides to leave the radio to ‘spend more time with his future ex-wife,’ that would create a huge void in freakishly conservative assholes on the airwaves.  That’s why we rushed, pun intended, to ink Dennis’ 300-station deal.  Now you’ll be able to hear him in every major market saying sexist, crude remarks.  Pretty nervy for a guy who used to sport a mullet.   Expect Dennis' usual targets like Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton.  And he's looking forward to slamming Elizabeth Warren’s looks while having no real knowledge about her policies when she kicks Scott Brown’s ass out of the Senate.  We’ll just counter the public outrage from women by having Sarah Palin on the show the next day after Dennis makes a gaffe.  If Sarah’s not available, we’ll get Ann Coulter.  We’re pretty sure she’s female.”

Rick Perry Shocks Voters By Dropping Out of Presidential Race They Already Thought He Had Quit

Columbia, SC – Texas Governor Rick Perry is expected to be dropping out of the GOP 2012 presidential race today a full two weeks after people believed he had thrown in the saddle blanket.  Perry is planning to speak to an empty parking lot at the Piggly Wiggly some time around 11am and like fellow quitter, Sarah Palin, it is believed he’s going to endorse Newt Gingrich simply because he’s not Mitt Romney.

An aide in Perry’s camp told Unsolicited Drivel, “I know most of America thought he dropped out after Iowa when we used the word ‘reassess’ in regard to Rick’s campaign. I’ll tell you it was pretty tough on his ego to lose the Iowa caucuses not only to the other candidates, but also to write-in votes for a truckload of corn and a ball of lint on Rick Santorum’s sweater vest.  We thought for sure Rick’s down home charm would appeal more in the Deep South, but apparently we were wrong.  We think the problem is that he’s not able to execute anybody along the campaign trail to bolster his popularity the way he does back home in Texas when his approval rating’s in the shitter.”

Mitt Romney Endorses Public Masturbation in Wake of Christine O’Donnell Endorsement

Someplace Folksy (Maybe NH?) – GOP hopeful Mitt Romney came out today (not literally…and not Santorumly) and gave a public endorsement of masturbation as a result of former Tea Party darling Christine O’Donnell’s endorsement of his candidacy for the Republican nomination last night.

O’Donnell is the notorious non-masturbator, campaign finance personal user, teenage witch and alleged college graduate who most famously crashed and burned her campaign for Delaware Senate last year faster than half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin can swim upstream like a spawning salmon for an opportunity to land on grift –for-dollars gig to screech at half-wits while sucking on a bendy straw and wearing $2,000 shoes all while under a secret financial contract that Dick Cheney could not use his diabolical skills of evil to even unveil.

A spokesperson for the Romney campaign confirmed, “We’ve been looking for a way for Mitt to stand-out, heads above the crowd for sometime now, and the endorsement of Christine gave us the perfect angle.  The whole changing his personality like the wind, wiping out his political existence as if he ever governed Massachusetts depending on which computer tech cleaned the hard drive that day thing if we decided he did or didn't actually govern that week angle wasn't working anyway.   That being said,  Mitt will no longer be using with a podium during the future 11,000 debates.    Besides, they say America always elects the tall guy who stands tall, right?!?”

Captain America Considering Name Change

Washington, DC – Captain America has come out today and said he’s considering changing his name in light of recent events.

In an exclusive interview with Unsolicited Drivel he told us, “I first got the idea after Googling the phrase ‘America is...’ and the first Google autosuggestion I got was ‘America is retarded.’  Obviously, I’m not going to change my name to ‘Captain Retard,' even though it would offend Sarah Palin, which I must confess would be a hoot.  I’m not special needs and I enjoy counting honesty as my most treasured human value.  Mind you, I do still need a dose of my Super-Solider Serum from time to time to stay buff, but I don’t think I want to waste it on you people anymore.  The only threat to America right now is itself.  And the NYPD, of course.  So until you bitches get out there and rally with those Anonymous guys to take back this country, I think I’ll have go with the moniker ‘Captain Retro-America’ which will make folks remember a time when the real threats to America were from our enemies like in the Third Reich, not the people we were suckered into electing to serve on Capitol Hill and those shysters the banking industry.”

Herman Cain Offers to Deprogram" Brainwashed" Black Voters

Current GOP  frontrunner in the 2012 Presidential race, Herman Cain (or “Herb” as he’s known to Sarah Palin), is catching heat this morning after appearing on CNN and claiming that at least two-thirds of black American voters have been “brainwashed” into voting Democratic.  A stunned Wolf Blizter seemed taken aback at Cain’s assertion, but Cain stood his ground on the subject.

And just this morning, we’ve found out that Cain has a self-help book just about to roll off the presses to “de-program” these black voters in plenty of time before next November.  We even have the book cover design below:

Get your pre-order in today on Amazon!

More Shockers From the Sarah Palin Tell-All Book!

New York – Author Joe McGinniss is an award winning political journalist with many years of experience, yet the Palin family is currently painting him as vindictive pervert over the upcoming release of his tell-all book about former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah.

Naturally, we have uncovered some of the juiciest tidbits from The Rogue and are more than happy to share them with you dear Unsolicited Drivel readers.

• Almost immediately after McGinniss moved into the house next door to the Palins to do his research on the book, both Sarah and Todd accused him of being a peeping Tom and a pedo-perv, as his balcony overlooked little Piper’s bedroom.  McGinniss insists that when they saw him peering with his neck outstretched over the railing, he was just trying to see Russia from the house.  It was nowhere in sight.

• In the course of conducting his interviews for the book, McGinnis couldn’t find a single former friend or acquaintance of the Palins that didn’t have anything negative to say about them.  In fact, the only person he found in Wasilla who didn’t have anything negative to say about the Palins was a deaf mute guy who dumped salmon fish heads for a living at the local cannery.

• Sarah allegedly had a one-night stand shortly before her marriage with future NBA star Glen Rice.  Rice did not officially confirm the tryst, but did say she was interested in him to learn more about the rules of the game, because as budding sportscaster she didn’t know anything except how to look hot in the locker room. She joked that this was because she didn’t learn much from attending five different colleges, as she was too busy transferring.  Rice insisted she appeared to be quite fond of him and as she seemed “down with the brown” he had no explanation for her current obsession with slamming Obama.

• Sarah supposedly carried on a six-month affair with Todd’s business partner in his snowmobile dealership.  When the partner refused to give up his interest in the business in exchange for keeping Sarah permanently, Todd closed the business altogether out of spite. 

• Former pals say that both Todd and Sarah were no strangers to cocaine early in their relationship and could often be found at the “other end of the straw.”  However, they say Sarah always insisted on snorting hers through a crazy straw.  She later switched to a bendy straw to save face.

• As with most conservatives, the kids were no longer interesting to Sarah once they were no longer fetuses.  As soon as they were out of the womb, they were pretty much left to fend for themselves with a BB gun, a Bowie knife and a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

This is Becoming a Running Joke Today!

Someone else visited Border's going out of business sale this weekend too, and found this!

(Via Imgur)

Sarah Palin Wants You to Know That “Polls” are for Strippers

Indianola, Iowa – Speaking to about a tenth of the sheeple yesterday who usually show up at rallies to hear her screech, Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin told the crowd, “You are the hope, not that hopey, changey, hopey, changey.  Hopey changey didn’t create one single job.*  Just like you, I’m not for sale.  Except at these events.  Oh, and polls are for strippers and skiers and Gallup polls are for horses and ponies. The father, son and the Holy Ghost wouldn’t go on vacation if somebody downgraded their credit either.  No sirree Bob!  Thanks, and God bless.”

Palin still did not commit to running for president in 2012 and a large number of Republicans don’t even want her to run, including a very large Republican in the form of Karl Rove.  However, she clearly displayed no knowledge of how the word pole can be spelled, which is unfortunate as that might be necessary to know once the first of one her daughters** becomes a stripper.

*What about the jobs created by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act in infrastructure, education, health and energy, you harping dip-shit?

**Willow

Iowa Tea Party Rescinds Rejection of Christine O’Donnell

Indianola, Iowa – An Iowa political group, Tea Party for American White People of Limited Education, has changed its mind and re-invited Delaware Republican former senate candidate/former witch Christine O’Donnell back to their rally this Saturday.

O’Donnell was to take the stage with former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin this Labor Day weekend at the group’s “Restoring America by Stripping Away One Entitlement at a Time” rally, then was uninvited yesterday and then re-invited all in the amount of time it takes to detassel a stalk of corn.

An organizer for the group told Unsolicited Drivel, “We’re making room for her.  There was some discontent over her talking to that Piers Morgan CNN guy at all because many in the group believe he’s one of them illegals and that network’s for commies too.  Christine was so upset we canceled on her that she offered to let Dick Cheney waterboard her at a book signing as a show of dedication to the cause.  So we took pity on her.   Besides, Palin won’t appeal to Saturday’s entire crowd.  She’s kinda high-falutin’ now and we decided needed another lady grifter to relate to the low-rent district."