Whoopi Goldberg Single-Handedly Puts an End to TSA Screeners’ Hijinks

New York – New York Magazine reported over the weekend that a woman traveling recently was shocked to find a note on her vibrator from the TSA once she reached her hotel that said, “Girl, get your freak on.”  The woman later Tweeted about the incident as she claimed that once she stopped laughing, she felt violated.  And this morning, The View’s own Whoopi Goldberg admitted she always travels with her vibrator too, thus stripping TSA agents nationwide of any future desire to engage in mischief on the job.

A spokesperson for the TSA told Unsolicited Drivel, “I’m sure you can understand that we sometimes get bored on the job.  That’s why we may feel up a toddler or someone who’s being transported in a comatose state now and then.  The vibrator prank was just another way to alleviate boredom.  But now that Ms. Goldberg has confirmed what’s always in her suitcase, I think it’s highly unlikely that sex toys will be inspected and tagged again.  I’m very relieved that she offered the information that she keeps it in her make-up case as we probably would have searched that to see if there was a joint in it, or whatever drug it is she takes to keep from strangling Elisabeth Hasselbeck with one of her scarves.”

TSA Weighs Screening for Pee Thanks to Gerard Depardieu

In case you were wondering, pee is not welcome in the friendly skies and it’s all thanks to larger-than-life French actor Gerard Depardieu.

The 62-year old was witnessed emptying his bladder into the aisle to make room for more Guinness Stout on a flight to Dublin much to the horror of other passengers, and now it’s possible that in addition to box cutters and butt bombs, the TSA going to consider screening for pee. 

Air France’s spokesperson stated, “I can confirm zat ze overrated actor urinated on ze plane outside of ze lavatory. We remain grateful that Depardieu did not also go ze number two. ”

As the actor’s latest performance (which is already generating Oscar buzz) created quite a fuss on the plane, the TSA back in the USA is now considering screening airline passengers for urine before they board and has stated that under the new rule it will only be acceptable for a traveler’s bladder to be holding 3 ounces of liquid or less to ensure they can wait the 15 minutes to get to cruising altitude to visit the can.”

Show the TSA Who's Boss

The TSA has really and truly gone too far by asking a 95-year old cancer patient to remove her adult diapers during their security pat-down.  It's unconscionable really.  But the good news is that we came across this innovative product this morning that might help seniors get through airport security with their dignity in tact.

Will You Protest the TSA Tomorrow?

Washington, DC – Just last night another report was released showing our government hard at work – hard at work lining their pockets from lobbyists – this time working for those companies that build the body-scanning machines now in U.S. airports. 

The manufacturers of the machines have even DOUBLED the amount of cash in their lobbying efforts over the last 5 years.  Unsolicited Drivel was unable to confirm at press time if they are also recruiting swarthy, bearded, terroristy-looking decoy airline passengers to stand in line at the airports to make the average American not curse the body-scanners under their breath, but we wouldn’t put it past them.

Tensions are running high over the TSA’s new security measures and there are grumblings about a possible protest against the scanners leading to pat-downs to foil air travel tomorrow on the busiest travel day of the year.

Half of all air travelers polled believe the TSA body pat-downs have gone too far, so we wondered how many travelers might take part in the protest?  Who cares if you get to Aunt Sally's on time?  Her yam recipe probably sucks anyway!  We caught up with a sampling of airline passengers to find out their thoughts and here is what they told us:

"First the U.S. Government wants to get their hands on my medicare and now they want to handle my prostate? No, thank you.  I’m just going to stay home for the holiday this year and jerk off to Sarah Palin’s new book."




"Oh, I’m definitely going to submit to the pat-down.  It will give me a chance to show off my new piercings in my lady-parts that are no longer infected."



"They are more than welcome to search my diaper.  It would probably be the most attention it will receive all day."

"Well, as a breast cancer survivor who didn’t have the insurance coverage for all of my reconstruction surgery, I’ll look forward to my prosthetic boob I had to buy with a coupon at JoAnn Fabrics popping out of my bra and into our government’s hands during the pat-down."




"I’m just  one of the guys the scanner people hired to stand in line at airports to make you nervous."