Elisabeth Hasselbeck to Leave "The View?"

New York - Controversial conservative The View TV host Elisabeth Hasselbeck's renewal contract is rumored to have been "eaten by the dog." Really, just caught in the paper shredder at ABC Studios. This is all RUMOR, mind you. But the fact that the news was dropped on a Friday night and that shrieking harpy has kept her mouth shut all weekend... well.... YOU do the math. It's been reported that the squeaky clean, yet better informed and groomed Brooke Shields will be Hasselbeck's replacement. No word on which comedian with replace Joy Behar. But we were told by a pal that ABC was considering a drag queen to raise ratings.

Needless to say, we knew our readers would miss Elisabeth after her ouster, but the survey shows they have more pressing concerns.

GOP in Congress Secretly Push to Ban Celiac Disease

Put a sock in it, bitch.

Washington, DC – The 2013 Congress has just been sworn in and is apparently up to no good already.  Despite having a record number of women, people of color and gays and lesbians, the GOP (so we are told) is still trying to kill Americans.  This time by working to ban Celiac disease – that gluten intolerance that makes peoples’ colons explode if they eat wheat products.

We thought we would check in with one of the most evil GOP Congressmen who doesn’t get nearly enough attention - our very own shame of Maryland - Representative Andy Harris.  Harris was the first freshman Congressman to demand his new healthcare benefits after the 2010 election; voted against the Safe Routes to School program (so little kids can continue to become stains on the pavement while walking to school); had a journalist who was trying to film a documentary about the toxic natural gas extraction method fracking in Maryland arrested; voted against Hurricane Sandy relief when his very own district at home is in a flood plain; voted no on Agricultural Disaster Assistance to starve the farmers that voted him into office; and naturally, DOCTOR Harris voted against Obamcare. This is only a small listing of his "charms."

We called Rep. Harris’ office to make an inquiry about this alleged bill to ban Celiac disease and were only able to get an aide on the phone.  He told us, “I will neither confirm or deny your conspiracy theory about the GOP working to ban Celiac disease to please the Wheat lobbyists and/or the Pharmaceutical lobbyists who sell stomach medication.  It should be obvious to you by now that Rep. Harris doesn’t give a crap about farmers or the health of Americans.  I will say that most Americans would never even know the disease existed if that mouthy little harpy on ‘The View’ Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t constantly talk about it and Pepto Bismol sales would not have gone down.  So I wouldn’t be surprised if one day it appears like somebody slipped a Rufi into Whoopi Goldberg’s Kombucha tea and she sits on Elisabeth and smothers her. It could happen.  But you didn't hear that from me."

Whoopi Goldberg Single-Handedly Puts an End to TSA Screeners’ Hijinks

New York – New York Magazine reported over the weekend that a woman traveling recently was shocked to find a note on her vibrator from the TSA once she reached her hotel that said, “Girl, get your freak on.”  The woman later Tweeted about the incident as she claimed that once she stopped laughing, she felt violated.  And this morning, The View’s own Whoopi Goldberg admitted she always travels with her vibrator too, thus stripping TSA agents nationwide of any future desire to engage in mischief on the job.

A spokesperson for the TSA told Unsolicited Drivel, “I’m sure you can understand that we sometimes get bored on the job.  That’s why we may feel up a toddler or someone who’s being transported in a comatose state now and then.  The vibrator prank was just another way to alleviate boredom.  But now that Ms. Goldberg has confirmed what’s always in her suitcase, I think it’s highly unlikely that sex toys will be inspected and tagged again.  I’m very relieved that she offered the information that she keeps it in her make-up case as we probably would have searched that to see if there was a joint in it, or whatever drug it is she takes to keep from strangling Elisabeth Hasselbeck with one of her scarves.”