Huffington Post Staff Room to Close Due to Lohan Photo

New York - All of the Columbia School of Journalism rejects in the Huffington Post staff room responsible for their all-important "side-boob" page were nearly killed in a freak accident today over a picture of soon-to-be porn star actor Linsday Lohan's that was taken this weekend. 

The photo, seen round the world now, been labeled the "Brazilian Bust-Out" caused havoc among the news aggregators when the top tit beta tester's head exploded. One of the hundreds of unpaid HuffPo employees told Unsolicited Drivel, "I was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.  Shards of brain matter and skull were all over our computer keyboards.  This is terrible because we have will now have close down the entire side-boob department because the IT guy quit weeks ago.  He wasn't satisfied with being paid with just the profits he could make by selling Arianna's dog's turds on eBay, so he went back to Pakistan. Quite frankly, I wasn't too thrilled with being paid just with latte foam residue either. And I'd rather chew my own hand off than go work on the 'baby bump' editorial page.  But now that I'm used to working for a shameless publication that resorts to posting phony headlines and trash just to get attention maybe I'll see if the Bravo Channel is hiring.  Maybe it actually pays real money too!"

Suri Cruise SLAMS "Bitchshaw" Twins

Nice try, bitches.

New York, NY - Tot fashionista Suri Cruise came out and slammed™ actress Sarah Jessica Parker's invitro-wonder spawn twins for trying to steal her fashion thunder this week.

Speaking to Unsolicited Drivel exclusively, she told us, "This was MY week and my week alone to be tops in tot fashion news. Every week is MY WEEK. The Church of Sendmemoneytology assured me of that.  Didn't you see my Panda hat I had on the other day?  And that was a REAL Panda.  My dad got Jack Black to skin one when his character  was hopped up on smack (allegedly, just in character) while filming Tropic Thunder which they actually filmed in China and my mom's new design firm Holmes and "Yang," not surprisingly, knew just what to do with it!  Forgive me for selecting this photo where my mom Katie's head is cut off, but much like SJP, she only washes her hair when she has any acting work.  Look at those two little snots and the city bitches?  What are their names?  Tabitha and Hagatha? Could be as one has on a pair of tights that makes me want to drop a house on that little witch.  Preferably, a Brooklyn brownstone.  And pea coats?  Really?  I know our dads have a lot in common*, but get yo' little asses up to a lobster dock in Maine where our dads could get married already and stay off of my turf!"

™The Huffington Post
*Gay rumors.