Things We Are Learning to do Without in This Economy

U.S.A. - What do you really need?  Americans are giving up a lot of things in this economy with jobs being scarce and money being even scarcer.  Some sacrifices can be extremely painful.  Although never as painful as like, say, sitting through one more Heidi Montag interview.  Others can bring surprising benefits, even possible enlightenment. Or not.  So how much can we live without?  America’s priorities are shifting.  Here is what we’ve come to find we are cutting back on or doing without completely:

Monthly mortgages:  If you don’t rent, and are fortunate enough to be in a home, it is truly your castle. But is it really affordable? If your home is sucking up more than 25% of your annual income, it may be time to rethink things. Do you really need to use the entire second level to house and carefully backlight your Pez™ collection? Does your illegal immigrant prostitution ring really have to take up the entire spare bedroom? Couldn’t you run it just as well from the broken down conversion van you have on cinderblocks out back? With the hos out, maybe you could rent the room to a quiet but intense “drifter?” That way you could add extra money to your mortgage. Or think about finding a cheaper home or apartment. A cellblock is still free.

Utilities: Who even needs them half the time any more with global warming? Turn off the heat and the lights. Burn your Pottery Barn catalogues in your Pottery Barn Chiminea for heat in your Pottery Barn furnished living room. Don’t forget to throw that huge piece of overpriced agate or asteroid that you bought at some now defunct nature store through the skylight so you don’t get carbon monoxide poisoning. You’ll also be able to collect tons of water with this method during some hurricane-heavy years thanks again to our good pal global warming. Fuck the Department of Public Works.

Food: Think about the foods that are really appealing to you. Then ask yourself if they are actually foods? If “Booberry” has much more boo than berry on its listing of ingredients, should you really be eating it in the first place? How about a nice, long fast to cleanse the system?  But don’t follow Gwyneth Paltrow’s advice, as she’s likely to do it with oh so fancy, priced according to the level of spirituality, Kabbalah water that Madonna left in her pantry. (See water-collecting tip above.)  Plus, talking incessantly about her colon hasn’t exactly been a career booster either. 



Clothing: The biggest enemy to any clothes conscious budget is Paris Hilton. Just because you see her draping a jewel-encrusted faux flapper outfit on her coat-hanger/stork frame, complete with freakish headband to match, doesn’t mean you should too! Make a list and stick to it. If you’re a guy, anything that Ethan Hawke or Woody Harrelson might pick out. For a girl, look for something that Courtney Love would have picked out, like in her most recent losing custody of her kid every other day phase.  (See: Salvation Army.)

Transportation: 
This item can easily eat up somewhere in the neighborhood of 85% of your budget. The only real way to combat this expense is to find yourself somewhere in the neighborhood of Transylvania so you can have the good fortune to be bitten by a vampire, thus enabling you to turn into a bat and fly everywhere. Just don’t nest on any public buildings long enough for dried-up celebrities to show up and threaten to form a protest group around you to save your new low-budget crib.