A Penny for Your Life

How much is a human life worth? Not even one red cent, according to one health insurer. Discovery Benefits, a North Dakota-based Health Insurer, recently cancelled the health insurance of a woman who sent in a premium that the company claimed was one penny short of what she owed. The woman, who suffers from leukemia, had calculated her payment at $165.15, while the company claimed she owed $165.16. Company spokesman Satan McBeelzebub said "we've got to keep in mind what's important here," adding "our board of directors were looking forward to splitting that penny, and now they may not be able to repaint their yachts." Company president Evilton Moneybags, reacting to public outcry, reinstated the woman's insurance, stating "We here at Hell's Asshole, um excuse me, Discovery Benefits, feel this woman's pain. What was it again she was suffering from?"

Republican congressmen were quick to point out that Moneybag's magnanimity was proof that no government healthcare system was necessary, with Senate Minority Whip John "Skin Cancer" Boehner saying "the woman should pay the penny she owes, not sponge off of the poor hardworking billionaires at Discovery. And since the mike is still on, I'd like to go on record that the solution for our ailing economy is to arrest the unemployed." He then turned into a bat and flew away.