Stuff It!

Yes, it's that time again. Time to be thankful that you won't have to be in the room with this same exact group of people for at least another 12 months. Just remember, as soon as dinner is over, you can already start singing Christmas carols, which means you can insert the lyrics, "go to hell" to the tune of Noel.

As Thanksgiving is our favorite holiday (especially since the majority of relatives stopped speaking to us), we thought we’d bring you some cooking tips for a stress-free turkey dinner.

Brining the Turkey?!?

Brine is for shrimp! And brine shrimp are really sea monkeys, meaning they'll be dead by desert. Recent years have led to boredom in cooking turkeys lending to unorthodox practices such as frying (risking facial skin grafts courtesy of skin off of your butt after third degree burns), and the aforementioned brining for a moist turkey. We feel it's best to take the lazy, hazy way out. We've cooked many a big bird in our household, and we can tell you, nothing could be more simple or satisfying. Here are some basic steps.

1. Visit your local liquor store for a case of the wine. We prefer “vintage Thursday.”

2. Wash the turkey in cold water thoroughly and remember to take that plastic bag thingy with the giblets and stuff out. Seriously, the smell of burning plastic is way worse than the smell of burning hair blazing off a bowl-bound Bic.

3. Rub the turkey with plenty of olive oil (or EVO if you are a gravel-voiced Food Network freak), Bell's Seasoning, salt and maybe even chopped fresh thyme and variegated sage if you're from Westport, CT.  Place turkey in oven at 325 degrees, 20 minutes per pound.

4. Open the wine to make sure it has a chance to breathe. Sample the wine thoroughly to check if it's up to snuff for the guests.

5. Pass out for at least four or five hours. Wake up to a fabulous turkey.

6. Let the turkey sit out before carving, and while you cook the stuffing in a separate casserole for about 45 minutes in a blazing hot oven because you forgot to stick it in. Think of the fat calories you've already saved with the extremely dry stuffing! (Make extra gravy.)

7. For extra easy carving, place a knife beneath the wing and make a cut all the way to the bone. Then, make a cut from the top slicing all the way down, removing the entire breast from the carcass. Then slice it on a cutting board into oh so appetizing portions. This way you don't have to stand there at the head of the table, sawing away and making small talk with people you haven't had anything in common with since you gained the power of speech and trying not to notice that the meat keeps coming off in freaky, weird looking shreds.

Seriously, this is a true story about how it's a really lousy idea to open the oven every 30 minutes to baste a turkey. This really happened, and through extreme neglect, we had the best bird ever. Try it for yourself. Think of all the extra time you'll have with your relatives - or even better, dreaming about exacting revenge on them!