Portman Birth Leaves Media Dependent on the Term “Baby Bump” in a Panic

Hollywood – Hollywood darling and Oscar winner Natalie Portman gave birth last night to a baby boy, and this morning less than creative media outlets* are praying for another A-lister to start showing so they can continue using the term “baby bump” to maintain their audiences.

Portman and finance, Black Swan choreographer Benjamin Caterpillar, uh, no, it’s Millepied. Yes, that’s it. Or some sort of bug. Anyway, the lovely couple has yet to release details on the baby’s name and there’s a first look at Portman’s “post-baby bod” forthcoming, so the media still have those momentous events to cover.

In the meantime while waiting for Natalie to reemerge, extremely lazy journalists are already getting a bit worried. One hack from a publication that they refused to name told Unsolicited Drivel, “Honestly, I’m not sure what we’re going to do now to attract readers with the attention span of a gnat. Believe it or not, nobody gives a rat’s ass about January Jones’ baby bump, even thought it’s illegitimate. Maybe if she leaked that it was Jason Sudeikis’ baby, people would care as they’d know it’d be a funny little bastard. We’ve given up on Brangelina making another announcement, so I don’t know what we’re going to do for trite copy now. Of course, we could always pray that Aniston gets knocked up by that guy with the uni-brow she’s been running around with, but that might make all of Hollywood spontaneously combust. Then we’d have to go back to actually writing stories again. I can’t tell you how much that would totally suck.”

*You KNOW who you are.  Twits.