NFL Reaches Agreement to Live On Millions of More Dollars Than You

Washington, DC – Bookies everywhere that were starting to get the shakes from potentially not screwing people out of their livelihoods this fall breathed a sigh relief today when it was announced that the NFL and its players association had finally come to an agreement to end their 4 ½ month lockout.

Commissioner Roger Goodell announced in a news conference with NFLPA leader DeMaurice Smith, "It's been a long time coming. Football is back and that's great news for everybody. I know it has seemed like a very long and unproductive process since I stood here back in March and announced that players and owners couldn’t come to any mutual agreement about living on millions of dollars per year when many Americans are starving. Ironically for the players the solution was really very simple - the NFL simply had to adjust the athletes’ salaries to a level that would guarantee their ability to bang one of the good looking Kardashians and/or Cameron Diaz and also open up a theme restaurant to overcharge for mediocre, calorie-heavy food that will increase the nation's obesity epidemic.  I don't know why it took us this long to see that.  Our bad.”