White House Insists - Still No Plans to Kill Grandma

Washington, DC – The Obama Administration was denying reports today that they were thinking of making cuts to Social Security in their plan to let Republicans continue with their delusional plans of no new taxes to avoid raising the debt ceiling, insisting instead that the President wants to strengthen the plan and not kill our elderly.

An Obama spokesperson stated, “While it’s true that the debt ceiling has been raised in the past more often than the Amish people raise barns, we’re trying to find a way around that to appear to have economic solutions this time. Social programs like Social Security definitely don’t drive up our deficit in a way that our starting wars on a regular basis with phantom menaces does, but we still need to find ways to strengthen them. Grandma will not starve under the new plan, but she may have to downgrade from Fancy Feast to Meow Mix.”

Upon hearing the news that the media had exaggerated their reporting of the President’s intentions toward the crucial social program, retailers immediately called China to cancel their huge orders of pitchforks and torches.