Every Actress in Hollywood Will Be Chained to “50 Shades of Grey” Movie Version Until Anne Hathaway is Cast

50 Shades of Hathaway?

Hollywood - “Fifty Shades of Grey” now holds the title of best selling book in Britain, beating out (get it?) even the Oxford English Dictionary and also because Harry Potter wasn’t a wizard at bondage and submission.  And ever since the book’s debut, rumors have been running rampant as to who will get to be involved in the film version.

Once former flash-in-the-pan author of cocaine-fueled and ax-murderer-fueled books of the 80s, Bret Easton Ellis, stopped bitching about being passed over for the screen-writing job and ended up just working on soft-core porn with Lindsay Lohan, the casting Olympics began for the B&D, D&S, S&M triathlon.

First there was the controversy when it was rumored that super hot (yet out of the closet) actor Matt Boehmer might play Christian Grey.  But then the  Westboro Baptist Church pickected over the rumor with signs reading, “GOD HATES 50 SHADES OF GAY.”  So that put an end to that due to over coverage by the media. Also every woman in America who is still smarting over Ryan Gosling not being named as People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” two years running has serious issues with casting any other actor than Gosling.

So now speculation has moved on to just which lucky lady will be cast as the submissive co-ed Anastasia Steele in the screen adaptation of E. L. (I had to Google all the sex scenes) James' popular novel.

A Hollywood insider told Unsolicited Drivel, “The latest scuttlebutt is that it will be Krysten Ritter, who is on that sitcom about some narcissistic bitch, but was really even better at overdosing on 'Breaking Bad.'  But I have insider information that no matter how many actresses, regardless of whether or not they would be better suited to Anastasia, that ultimately, the role will go to Anne Hathaway.  Anne is very, very dedicated to her craft.  As you aware, she has famously claimed to have lost all of that weight for ‘Les Miserables’ by subsisting on a diet of paste for two weeks.  But what most people don’t know is she made the glue herself out of a euthanized dressage horse she got from the Romney family.  Now that’s some serious dedication! Wouldn’t you agree?  Besides there’s not a single actress outside of porn in Hollywood who can open their mouth wider than Anne can.”