Single Mother Linda Evangelista Demands the Motherload

Model Linda Evangelista is demanding what may be the highest monetary request for child support for someone not born with royal blood or born the son of God since courthouse record keeping began, to the tune of $552,000 per year for her little bastard!

Evangelista, who conceived the 4-year old child Augustin James with French billionaire Francois Henri-Pinault, is known as a “super model" and claims the outrageous amount is to help maintain her “super” status.  At the time the term “super model” was coined back in the 90s, it was unclear whether it could be attributed to the beauty or the ability to snort cocaine* of the models that shared the label.  Many people are unsure even to this day, but know that either way the status takes money big money keep up.

In addition to 24/7 security and a full-time nanny for her child, Evangelista also demanded a $7500 monthly vacation allowance, which the judge quickly shot down.

The rest of agreement is to be decided, but we have found out some of the details of how it roughly breaks down:

• $35K per year for full-time nanny
• $12K per year for antidepressants to slip into nanny’s Kombucha tea
• $95K per year for full time bodyguard
• $150K per year for Augustin’s shrink
• $10K per year for Haitian baby tears for Linda’s facial spritzer
• $250K per year for Linda to maintain a hyperbaric chamber to sleep in while draped in sheep’s placenta with DNA traced back to the Golden Fleece.

Despite being worth an estimated $11.5 billion, Pinault is still disputing Evangelista’s requests.  He later conceived a child with actress Salma Hayek and married her, but it is unclear whether Hayek also needs the equivalent value of the GDP of some small nations to keep up her looks.


*More than the entire country of  Columbia could.