Bosses Nearly Lynched for Only Giving African Americans Off From Work on Presidents Day

Bethesda, MD - Two area CEOs were almost lynched (to a degree yesterday) for only offering the African American employees off on the national Presidents Day holiday.

Malcolm and Montague Doke told Unsolicited Drivel exclusively, “It was ugly day here Acquisitions-R-Us.  We gave the Negroes, we still call them that, a day off because of that traitorous President Lincoln they are so fond of and my Latina maid had told me it was Black History month.  So we thought ‘it’s a double holiday for those folks.  How nice! That almost makes up for everything!! Maybe even for our being paid 47 times the rate of our employees?’  But then the white workers figured it out once they stopped checking Facebook or playing fantasy football.  Thankfully their weapon of choice is an iPhone 5 or one of those Droid phones.  Malcolm said he hardly felt the flying text machine hit his head.”

First Look at Kim Kardashian & Kanye West's Sonogram!

You saw baby Kimye here first!

Single Mother Linda Evangelista Demands the Motherload

Unsolicited Drivel: Single Mother Linda Evangelista Demands the Motherload

Worth a re-post as this entitled b*tch finally has her day in court.

Kim Kardashian Moving to Dubai?

Los Angeles – Americans are still slamming Kim Kardashian this week over the alleged millions she made on her tall-tale wedding.   And now pals of disgraced reality TV princess are speculating that she may move to Dubai after the end of her 1,728-hour publicity stunt marriage.

A source close to Kim told us, “Kim is heartbroken that people think she wouldn’t marry for love and instead had the E! Network and Ryan Seacrest handpick a groom for her. Which they kinda did. But WTF people?!? So fickle! Kim is well aware that a lot of Americans take offense at her lavish wedding ceremony in this economy too. Particularly the gay ones who have complained that they would have toned it down a bit.  The glitz factor, I mean.  IF they could get married.  Then this morning her momager Kris made some crack about hating Indian givers when she was asked about Kim deciding to keep the $2 million ring and not give it back to Kris Humphries.  So now the family has also offended Native Americans in addition to the morals of just about everyone else here except maybe the 1% wealthiest in our country.  But if Kim moves to Dubai, a country where they build indoor ski resorts in a desert, nobody would notice her pursuit of cash because they all have so much they're wiping their butts with $100 bills.  She wouldn’t have to hide her curves there under a burqa either and she’d probably even be perceived as a poor person.  Then the people of Dubai would expect her to marry for money and not be offended that they were duped by a narcissist into thinking it was all about true love.  It's a totally a win-win."

Single Mother Linda Evangelista Demands the Motherload

Model Linda Evangelista is demanding what may be the highest monetary request for child support for someone not born with royal blood or born the son of God since courthouse record keeping began, to the tune of $552,000 per year for her little bastard!

Evangelista, who conceived the 4-year old child Augustin James with French billionaire Francois Henri-Pinault, is known as a “super model" and claims the outrageous amount is to help maintain her “super” status.  At the time the term “super model” was coined back in the 90s, it was unclear whether it could be attributed to the beauty or the ability to snort cocaine* of the models that shared the label.  Many people are unsure even to this day, but know that either way the status takes money big money keep up.

In addition to 24/7 security and a full-time nanny for her child, Evangelista also demanded a $7500 monthly vacation allowance, which the judge quickly shot down.

The rest of agreement is to be decided, but we have found out some of the details of how it roughly breaks down:

• $35K per year for full-time nanny
• $12K per year for antidepressants to slip into nanny’s Kombucha tea
• $95K per year for full time bodyguard
• $150K per year for Augustin’s shrink
• $10K per year for Haitian baby tears for Linda’s facial spritzer
• $250K per year for Linda to maintain a hyperbaric chamber to sleep in while draped in sheep’s placenta with DNA traced back to the Golden Fleece.

Despite being worth an estimated $11.5 billion, Pinault is still disputing Evangelista’s requests.  He later conceived a child with actress Salma Hayek and married her, but it is unclear whether Hayek also needs the equivalent value of the GDP of some small nations to keep up her looks.


*More than the entire country of  Columbia could.