Courtney Love Would Like to Kill Her Husband (Again)

Singer/actress/bully Courtney Love insists that if her late husband Kurt Cobain came back to life, she would kill him for killing himself.

The famous train-wreck said in a recent interview, “I’d kill him for killing me and Frances.  I swear I would.  Right after I finished hitting fans in the their heads with microphones; verbally assaulting flight attendants; claiming credit for keeping all of my friends from od’ing; over sharing intimate details about the private parts of other guys I’ve banged; publicly defaming people on Twitter; posting lewd pictures of myself on Twitter; I’d kill Kurt.  Oh, wait!  I think I’d f**k him and then I’d kill him.  Yeah.”

When reached for comment in musicians’ heaven, Cobain stated, “I have no intention of coming back from the dead to reunite with Courtney, so it’s a moot point.  Besides, I’m dating a really nice, together girl now.  You may know her.  Amy Winehouse?”

Hip Hop is Not Dead – Kanye West is Just Making it Suck

Herefordshire, England – Even though there were clear signs that hip-hop was not dead with Nicki Minaj’s nipple showing it had a life of its own last Friday, rapper Kanye West launched into a bizarre rant at the Big Chill music festival over the weekend to make sure everyone knew it.

Speaking over the most heckles of “Shut the f**k up” that have ever been recorded in a live performance, West rambled on during his set about everything from the premature death of hip hop, to the premature death of Amy Winehouse, something about Michael Jordan who hasn’t started a music career and may or may not have something to do with death, and finally, West also compared himself to Hitler because people look at him funny on the street.  He also claimed that all of the bat-shit-crazy stuff he says will be explained one day through a shining light that’s not controlled by one of his roadies.

We didn’t think hip-hop was on life support and we also didn’t understand how Kanye’s name and Amy Winehouse’s or even Hitler’s for that matter have any business in the same sentence together, so we checked with a pop culture expert for comment who told us, “I don’t get the comparison to Amy Winehouse either.  That woman had a serious set of pipes and I’m not talking about the ones she just used to smoke crack.  I have no idea if Kanye smokes crack.  He might make more sense if he did.  But the Hitler comparison, I can buy oddly enough.  Hitler’s only real talent was also shameless self-promotion.  And I actually shudder to think how much more damage Der Führer could have done had he had access to AutoTune.”

“27 Club” Denies They Would Ever Admit Lindsay Lohan

Great Beyond – The somewhat timely death of the extremely talented singer Amy Winehouse on Saturday has shined a spotlight on the infamous “27 Club” of musicians who died at that age and the disease of addiction once again.

The loss of Winehouse to a probable drug and alcohol overdose has also sparked speculation about another troubled celebrity, Lindsay Lohan, last seen stumbling around and crying late Saturday night.  Many twisted fans of watching an actual human version of train wreck as it’s happening are already speculating that the 25-year old Lohan will be trading hairstyling tips with Winehouse two years from this month.

Unsolicited Drivel wondered if Amy would be willing to teach Lindsay how to tease her weave into a beehive and contacted the 27 Club via our Ouija board for comment. Acting as the spokesperson for the group, Janis Joplin told us, “Man, are y’all f!@king kidding me? Lindsay Lohan? This group is for musical artists, man. The real deal - which means between ‘Rumors’ and ‘Confessions of a Broken Heart’ that chick's totally disqualified. Y’all may ask, what about Jean-Michel Basquait? Yeah, he was a visual artist, but he was also a founding member of the band Gray. What a load of shit. When I told Jimi what y’all were thinking about Lohan, he damn near choked all over again. The reality is that nobody who ever uses AutoTune will be EVER welcomed into this club.  Hear that, Ke$ha?   In fact, we’ve been petitioning God to strike down that money-hungry dude who invented that fake music bullshit.”

Rep for Winehouse: Performance Went as Planned

London – After a seemingly disastrous launch of her “comeback” concert tour last weekend, a rep for the embattled singer Amy Winehouse is insisting that everything “went as planned.”

Winehouse stumbled out on stage Saturday night in Belgrade, argued with her band and then kicked off the evening by shouting, “Hello Athens!” She continued on stumbling and mumbling through songs leading concert attendees to conclude her performance was “the worst thing to happen to Serbia since the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand.”

Despite the next leg of her European tour being cancelled, her rep insisted, “It was a complete misunderstanding and entirely my fault. I have attention deficit disorder and I must have neglected to press the ‘send’ button on the email press release I wrote up clearly stating that Amy is now a performance artist – not a singer. That was her new act and I am deeply sorry the audience was confused.”

When reached for comment, Winehouse stated, “Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.”

Her rep also offered comment on her comment, clarifying, “No, that was not part of the new act. Amy’s was just practicing for the next Talk Like a Pirate Day. It’s going international this year.”



Blimey! Amy Winehouse Preggers?!?

Cyberspace – Yet another totally inaccurate American gossip web site (like Hollywood Life/Perez Hilton/Insert Your Hack Site’s Name Here) Starpulse is speculating that occasional British singer/performance artist Amy Winehouse might be pregnant!!!  The site goes on to prevent their being discredited in a nanosecond by adding “or has a serious pot belly.”

Starpulse, located in upstate New York and NOT jolly ‘ole England, also took the trouble to point out that Winehouse had visited a sex shop on the night the photos were snapped and feared for the safety of her unborn baby which probably would be born with three heads regardless by stating, “We hope she’s not partying too hard!”

We asked one of Amy’s entourage who told us, “No, she’s not expecting.  That's just regular abdominal distention.  We’re pretty sure she hasn’t even seen her period due to malnutrition since the release of her first breakout album, ‘Frank,’ as shortly after it came out she was able to somehow convince herself that heroin, crack and Jack were able to fit into all of the recommended food groups.”

Singer Amy Winehouse to Launch Clothing Line!

London - Good news for emaciated chicks that want to look like guttersnipes everywhere!  Former promising music sensation, Amy Winehouse, is launching her very own clothing line with British label, Fred Perry.

A spokesperson for the design house offered, “We had at least three major meetings to discuss our business venture and Amy was awake for at least half of one of those.   She gave crucial input…unless that was just her eye make-up running. Hard to say.”

Tentatively titled, “Black and Blue,” the cleverly casual line will include girlish twin-sets to cover any abdominal distention, skimming skirts that will only fit those ladies with the figure of a pencil, Capri pants ripped in strategic places, ballet flats with free fake blood and dog doo to dot on them if the consumer cannot supply their own for that lived in, hobo chic look, and of course, a fur-lined push-up bra for extra added warmth while running around outside in one’s underwear at 4am. Amy is also said to be working on a signature shirt with specially crafted, jagged-edged grommets on the arms to save the wearer the trouble of having to self-cut.  The garments will range in price from $25 to $150 British pounds and will be available for sale on Camden street corners with a complimentary sample bag of rock with every purchase.

Previously published.  We will return live on 7/19.