When Are Kimye Going to Name That Baby Girl?

I got ticked the other day because Yahoo! News referred to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's daughter as "America's Royal Baby." When I criticized their assessment, some Yahoo user knuckle-dragger insisted I must have an ugly face. Of course. I look like the f*cking Elephant man because I don't like reality TV/media whores. The people on Yahoo! that comment are the dumbest of the dumb. I'm not even sure they have all of their chromosomes. If you are really bored a fun activity is to go on Yahoo! Answers and see the ridiculous questions and advice they give each other about pregnancy, STDs, other important life issues like that. Oh, and how boogers should look. Careful not to spit your drink out on your keyboard.  Anyway, here are some fun suggestions from a user on Tumblr:

“American Idol” to Be Possibly Hosted by Holograms if There is a Next Season

Yawn.

Los Angeles – America’s supposed favorite whole note singing competition began last night with little fanfare and a new panel of judges on “American Idol.”

Most people who tuned in are rumored to have thought the following:

• Keith Urban is really hot, without the homophobia of a Blake Shelton, and if he can get Nicole Kidman’s face to move during sex, well more power to him.

• Mariah Carey is that singer with a voice like Whitney Houston!  So why hasn’t she married a complete parasite or overdosed yet?

• Nicki Minaj? I’m not as o'scared of her as the possibility of me being beaten to death with one of those old fashioned metal trash can lids in an alley as I would be in the case with M.I.A., so why is the show spending huge money for Mariah Carey’s extra security? And, is it just because Mariah can actually sing?

• And there's still that Randy guy who claims to be a Jackson. Where's his sequined glove?

• Plus, where the heck is J-Lo's butt? Not missing that creepy old lady though.  Stephen something?

Viewers were in total agreement that no one is also still missing Simon Cowell’s man-boobs either despite his talent for verbally disemboweling people who spent their entire life savings to get to the audition.

However,  we at Unsolicited Drivel have insider information, that in order to make the show relevant again, that all future episodes will be hosted by holograms of Tupac Shakur, John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. Not surprisingly,  Kanye West has already has a HUGE problem with that.

(For Anna Karenina.)

First Look at Kim Kardashian & Kanye West's Sonogram!

You saw baby Kimye here first!

NBC to Host Telethon to Maybe Aid Hurricane Sandy Victims

We're so compassionate!?!

New York - NBC Universal is planning to host a telethon as soon as they can pull a production staff together and try and lure stars like Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, you know, the usual suspects….to help raise money to aid the victims of Hurricane Sandy.

The program, which they will not share with other networks (because of advertising revenue) is tentatively titled "Coming Together" and will not feature Beatles music because they are British dudes and also due to NBC's shitty programming over the years, they could never afford the music rights anyway.

An intern at the peacock network, who asked not to be named, told Unsolicited Drivel, "It's hopefully going to be a star-studded show and at least, unlike with Hurricane Katrina, we won't have any fear of Kanye West stomping up on the stage and proclaiming 'President Obama hates black people!' I cannot guarantee that will mean there will be no Kardashians on the broadcast.  Sorry.  You have no idea how sorry I am about that.  I can tell you the show will be hosted by Matt Lauer…which kind of leaves me scratching my head.  I mean if they wanted to do a show about victims, why didn't they just hire Ann Curry to host it?"

Kardashian Kitten to Demand Emancipation

Los Angeles, Miami, New York, or whatever town they are currently infecting – Mercy Kardashian, the newest addition to the media whore clan, and kitten, is rumored to be hiring a lawyer to seek emancipation. 

The folks on Internet blogs have all been buzzing about whenever Kim K. posts a picture with her (pretending to love something other than herself), or the kitten with any other member of her furry family, the cat looks downright miserable.

We at Unsolicited Drivel have our own cat ranch with happy emotionally stable cats.  We sent our cat Giacomo (because he’s a hottie and Mercy’s a girl) out to interview her.  And here is what she told him:

“You know what my name is derived from?   Kim’s chant she continually repeats to herself, ‘Mercy, mercy, me!  I can’t believe I convinced the American public I have any talent other than being covered with pee!’  The little kid Mason is okay, but those other self-involved biotches are a bit much to stomach.  Especially as they only feed me caviar.  Bruce Jenner’s face also scares the fleas right off me.  Plus, I get tired of getting hot bikini wax dripped on my gorgeous fur.  And Kanye West is freaking irritating.  Every time I meow, he interrupts me and says, ‘Imma let you finish, but you ain’t the finest pussy in this K-klan!’  So I’ve hired a lawyer to gain my freedom.  That chick that represents Lohan.  She can rescue a miserable creature from anything!”

Giacomo also offered for her to come to live at the U.D. cat ranch as soon as Lohan’s lawyer wins her case and under the condition that Mercy would agree to change her name.  She said she would definitely consider it.

"I'm too sexy for myself" - Giacomo

UPDATE: R.I.P Mercy.  The poor kitten allegedly suffered from a "virus" and went to a MUCH better place. Kim had already tossed her aside claiming she was "allergic" to her, yet Kim doesn't sneeze uncontrollably at the smell of her shit-ass perfumes.

This Week in Lying Tabloids: Randy Travis

Was he really working on a new album?

This Week in Lying Tabloids:

I heard the founder of the site Gossip Cop on the radio and the interview reminded me that the tabloids that print fake celebrity gossip every week are SOMEHOW able to stay in business.  I guess celebrities are either less litigious these days, or maybe it's because they can debunk the claims so quickly for their fans via their Twitter feeds.  Anyway, it reminded me of this tabloid below which is still one of my favorites.

Obama Looking Forward to 4 More Years of Calling Kanye West a Jackass

Washington, DC – Sources close to President Barack Obama claim that not only is the faux progressive looking forward to having four more years for Americans to notice his first term accomplishments -- he’s also hoping for four more years rife with opportunities to label Kanye West a “jackass.” Obama famously labeled hip-hop’s biggest ego as such after his stunt at the VMAs embarrassing full-time surprised person Taylor Swift and did so again this week when asked about him by The Atlantic.

A rep from Obama’s campaign told Unsolicited Drivel, “When that Atlantic reporter asked him about Jay-Z versus Kanye, of course Obama was going to say he preferred Jay-Z.  Jay lets him sing karaoke with Beyonce at parties.  Once we crush Romney in the election in November provided every racist in America doesn’t come out of their bomb shelter to vote, the President will enjoy having many more chances to label West, or 'Immaletchufinish' as we refer to him in the West Wing, a jackass.  He’s the only person who can really do that with little to no fear of a drive-by shooting thanks to the Secret Service.  And now that Kanye is dating a Kardashian, he’s pretty much guaranteed to implode publicly more often than Speaker Boehner burst into tears.  Although I must confess, considering how many of George W. Bush’s policies Obama has continued with, I’m surprised that he didn’t mistakenly refer to the rapper as Conway.”

Hip Hop is Not Dead – Kanye West is Just Making it Suck

Herefordshire, England – Even though there were clear signs that hip-hop was not dead with Nicki Minaj’s nipple showing it had a life of its own last Friday, rapper Kanye West launched into a bizarre rant at the Big Chill music festival over the weekend to make sure everyone knew it.

Speaking over the most heckles of “Shut the f**k up” that have ever been recorded in a live performance, West rambled on during his set about everything from the premature death of hip hop, to the premature death of Amy Winehouse, something about Michael Jordan who hasn’t started a music career and may or may not have something to do with death, and finally, West also compared himself to Hitler because people look at him funny on the street.  He also claimed that all of the bat-shit-crazy stuff he says will be explained one day through a shining light that’s not controlled by one of his roadies.

We didn’t think hip-hop was on life support and we also didn’t understand how Kanye’s name and Amy Winehouse’s or even Hitler’s for that matter have any business in the same sentence together, so we checked with a pop culture expert for comment who told us, “I don’t get the comparison to Amy Winehouse either.  That woman had a serious set of pipes and I’m not talking about the ones she just used to smoke crack.  I have no idea if Kanye smokes crack.  He might make more sense if he did.  But the Hitler comparison, I can buy oddly enough.  Hitler’s only real talent was also shameless self-promotion.  And I actually shudder to think how much more damage Der Führer could have done had he had access to AutoTune.”

Kanye West Suicidal?

Rapper Kanye West has come forward with the candid admission that he has had thoughts of suicide.

At a screening of his musical short “Runaway,” West told the audience, “There were times that I contemplated suicide,” but has since decided, “I will not give up on life again.”

West didn’t go into details, but considering he probably has had more money than the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost combined for much longer than he has had to eat McNuggets we wondered why?  So we asked a pal for a clue who told us, “Well, I’m assuming that you probably think he is remorseful for coming off as the biggest jack-ass in the music business after the Taylor Swift VMA debacle, but I’m guessing his feelings probably have to do with his missing his mom.   Regardless, I really try and get him to focus on the positive karma still due to him in this life for pointing out what a hypocritical racist bastard George W. Bush is to America on live TV.”  I think that would sustain anybody."