Kim Jong Un-Believable Prepares to Launch

First Minnesota Gives Us Michele Bachmann...

AND NOW THIS....??!!!??????
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Person Who Behaved Like a Duplicitous Douche Back in College Can’t Stop Posting "Think Positively" Pictures on Facebook

Nobody told me about Karma....whaaaaaaah!

Columbia, SC – A person who behaved like a complete duplicitous douche all throughout her college experience and still likely does so to this day cannot restrain herself from currently posting messages to promote “the power of positive thinking” on the increasingly banal social network site Facebook.

A former roommate of the serial picture poster told Unsolicited Drivel, “I should never have accepted her Facebook friend request in the first place but I did to be polite because my cool friends had already made the exception for her. I didn’t hide her to see if she was still the drama queen she always was, and I’m happy to report she is. She’ll complain one day she’s starving to death because of a thyroid condition, I offer helpful advice with a great weight gain smoothie recipe and she doesn’t even acknowledge it. Maybe she’s still smarting from the time I let a sheriff lead her away in handcuffs at 7AM after trying to arrest her for months for bouncing checks all over town?  But hey, I’m still smarting from the $300 she still owes me for the phone bill in 1986. Can you imagine the interest on that money even If I charged her a low rate? So after months of no Facebook presence at all, she’s now posting these ‘positive’ photos daily, which tells me, she’s really screwed up again. Cheated on someone, is wanted by the police, found Jesus and left him all within the course of one hour, became straight and gay in the same day, or whatever. I still can’t hide her from my feed though. I mean we are talking about a person who knowingly slept with a dog turd her bed, couldn’t return a VHS to the video store for 2 months even though it was next door and I wouldn’t even put it past her to serve those globs of toothpaste left over in the sink as after dinner mints when she finished serving Spaghetti-O’s she heated still in the can on the stove. And this was the 80s when Hipsters weren’t even invented yet.”

Mayor of Harrisburg, PA Makes William Penn do 360s

Check out the dudes' faces in the background! Hilarious. Except I know a resident who is suffering through her administration She went to Howard University.  Not a school for dummies. Too many nitrates from eating chili smokes at Ben's on U. Street?

Cornel West: Obama is a Republican in Blackface!

No longer BFFs!

Washington, DC -Author, activist and sometimes seemingly unhinged person, Cornel West, announced in an interview this week with Democracy Now that President Barack Obama is just a "Rockefeller Republican in Blackface."  West was then allegedly heard off camera by staffers admitting that he was looking forward to changing his name from "Cornel West" to "Captain Obvious West" and couldn't wait to order his new monogrammed towels from J. Crew.

We at Unsolicited Drivel wondered why such a learned man as Mr. West would waste his breath on spouting the obvious.  So naturally, we felt compelled to contact him for comment.

U.D.: "Corny, may we call you that?  Why would you waste your brain power on telling Americans what they already know?  How else you do you think the President was able to convince those whack-jobs in that penis-shaped state to vote for him?"

CW: "Yes, you may call me 'Corny' Drivel Lady, but only because I have heard you are a bad-ass and I love your description of the great state of Florida.  Appropriate as penises like Allen West are no longer representing them.  However, Mr. Obama, or 'Barry' as I used to call him when we used to shoot hoops together, has caved to the Republicans so many times, on so many an issue, that I have lost count.  I am assuming he's not going to change this term.  I don't think he has even used the word 'change' since 2008.  He no longer uses the words 'middle class' either."

U.D.: "Well Corny, we were just wondering if you'd been hiding a under a rock for the last four years.  Thanks for the clarification though.  Are you aware of Barack's secret plot to only let Sasha and Malia marry Latinos so that when their future smarty pants kids run for office they can be Rockefeller Republicans in olive skin face?"

CW: (Head explodes.)

The Resemblance IS Uncanny

How much you want to bet Tanning Mom's daughter ends up on the pole?

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Horny Country Breathes Sigh of Relief as Santorum Suspends Presidential Campaign

U.S .of A. – Red blooded Americans nationwide who don’t believe that sex should be merely for conception breathed a sigh of relief today when abstinence lover Rick Santorum suspended his GOP presidential campaign. The notorious non-masturbator, birth control hater and not gay sex discharge, was far behind in his delegate count to garner the Republican nomination and was reportedly not looking forward to getting creamed again by 18 points or more in his former home state of Pennsylvania in the primary on April 24^th.

A spokesperson for the Santorum campaign told Unsolicited Drivel, “We are not ending the campaign, we are merely suspending it. That means we can still tie up loose ends.   Translation: use Super Pac money to further our bat-shit right wing agenda with the hope that Mitt will pick Rick as VP when the time comes in Tampa. Newt Gingrich may be all for polygamy, but that’s not Mitt’s brand of Mormonism.   Romney’s never going to appeal to conservatives, so we think Rick, with his thinking that would surely take America back to the 1600s at least and possibly even bring back public flogging, might be a real boost to GOP ticket.  Also, it was getting too warm for sweater vests and those were Rick’s only real appeal to folksy Americans who aren’t busy thumping the Bible instead of humping their wives.”

Quran Burning Pastor Launches Presidential Bid

Gainesville, FL – He may not hold the appeal for right wingnuts of a gay-hating Fred Phelps, or recurring Rapture predictor Harold Camping, but the Pastor Terry Jones, most famous for threatening to burn the Quran and then chickening out*, has tossed his halo into the GOP 2012 presidential race.

A spokesperson for Pastor Jones, also named Jones, Deacon Jones, told us, “God created the earth in 7 days and Terry has a seven step plan to save the U.S.of A.  In addition to the plan, we’ve noticed that Americans haven’t had a President with oddly styled facial hair since Chester Arthur back in the 1880’s and Terry’s even willing to add muttonchops to the mix to seal the deal.  

Unsolicited Drivel decided to take a good look at Jones’ plan for our readers and asked the Deacon some more questions.

U.D.: So, Deacon.  May I call you Deacon?  Your first priority is to stop spending immediately.  How to you plan to do that and maintain infrastructure?

D.J.: When we say stop spending immediately, we mean to do so symbolically.  Like that “Buy Nothing Day” those hippies have the day after Thanksgiving.  Maybe just for Inauguration Day. Either that, or we’ll close the banks briefly to just to make a point.

U.D.: Good luck with that.  And how are you going to balance the budget?  Our current government filled with millionaires, whom one would think are expert at holding on to money while screwing others,  hasn’t even been able to do that.

D.J.: We have a very frugal parishioner in our congregation who always runs the bake sale.  She knows a great deal about making ends meet.  Her gooseberry pie is to die for, by the way.

U.D.: I see you want to reduce military spending.  So how does Terry plan to run on the Republican ticket?  Just yesterday, the spending-cut-happy Republicans cried foul when military spending was put on the cutting  table.

D.J.: While we truly believe in an “eye for an eye” like the Bible says, we need to stick to fighting the terrorists on U.S. soil.  Think of all the gas money we’d save from them planes not going overseas?!?

U.D.:  How are you going to deport all of the illegals?  You claim there are 20 million of them.  Won’t that just eat up the savings on gas money you just told me about from not flying our troops overseas? 

D.J.: If they weren’t here taking our jobs, we could save 400 million dollars to create jobs for our returning troops.

U.D.: Like picking fruit?  Americans who are already here don’t want those jobs. 

D.J.: Uh………..

U.D.: Why do you think corporate taxes should be reduced when corporate giants like GE already are not even paying their fair share and sometimes are not taxed at all?  Are you still under the voodoo spell of trickle-down economics and believe that will create jobs? Jesus probably created more jobs - at least 12 that I know of.

D.J.: Uh…………….

U.D.: You want to reduce bureaucracy and reduce role of government in businesses.  Aren’t you aware that most of big business controls the government?  Anyway, you don’t want the government to regulate the companies but feel they should regulate themselves.  So, do you take the same position as Michele Bachmann, that the regulatory agencies like the FDA shouldn’t monitor companies to keep them from selling us poo-tainted beef or crappy cantelope, and we should just all depend on the honor system so we don’t catch e-coli or Listeria and drop dead? Even more likely if an American lacks health care.  Save a dollar, lose a dude?  Is that your policy?

D.J.:  We believe in faith for healing.  But you know…I think I’m going to have to double check with Terry on his view about food safety and get back to you.  Maybe he was just thinking about leaving the falafel and hummus industries unregulated?

*Turning the other cheek.

Pat Boone Insists Obama Can’t Possibly Be American

The pop music version of Donald Trump (complete with weird hair), 50s crooner Pat Boone, has hopped on a “crazy train” that has nothing to do with his hit song to slam President Obama’s birth certificate, labeling it a “Photoshopped fraud.”

In an interview this week with The Birther Chronicle, Boone stated, “I was in Kenya about a year ago trying to convince them they’d all get AIDS if they didn’t join the Church of Christ and they said of Obama, ‘you know that guy’s from here.’  I believe that.  It explains why he’s hiding his birth records.  Also, he’s absolutely nothing like the only black guy I know – Little Richard. They couldn’t have less in common.  And Obama doesn’t even act like a bleeding heart liberal Democrat at all!  We don’t have black Republicans in this country either!!  Herman Cain, Michael Steele and that Alan Keyes fellow are all paid tokens to add diversity to our party.  The ghost of Ronald Reagan told me so.   And the only explanation for Obama’s constantly negotiating with the rich lawmakers who are in control of this country is that he’s some sort of high brow Kenyan Prince.  A Kenyan Prince who reads the Koran no less!!”

Michele Bachmann Will Not Let Poo-free Meat Stand in the Way of Job Creation

Des Moines, IA - Even though GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann is being slaughtered in the polls by a rootin', tootin’, executin’ cowbody, it’s not enough to stop her from keeping American jobs safe for cattlemen despite the threat of E. coli.

Bachmann visited a meatpacking plant in Des Moines yesterday where she learned how to properly slice a rib eye steak and heard all about the scourge that is the government’s food safety regulatory system.

While posing next to a slab of meat that would make Rocky Balboa groan, she told reporters, “These food safety regulations are part of the problem in preventing job creation and have become the overkill.  The stricter they get, the more jobs they take away.  From everyone on the cattle farm, to the slaughterhouse, to the fine people at the Burger King, and even the cardiac specialists who work in the hospital emergency room.  America can’t stand to lose any more jobs in this economy and that’s just what the FDA has planned for us.  That’s why from this day forward, I hope you will join me in my stalwart efforts to pray the E. Coli away.  And remember, always cook your contaminated meat patties to a full 165 degrees. Unless you're serving them to Rick Perry.”