Redditors Imagine If President Barack Obama Tweeted Like Donald Trump | The Huffington Post

Redditors Imagine If President Barack Obama Tweeted Like Donald Trump | The Huffington Post

These are pricelesss!

I Don't "Cotton" to Senator Tom Cotton

Rudy Guiliani Clarifies "Obama Doesn't Love America" Remark

Nice back peddling!

Can't Wait for The Pope's Visit!

So Glad I Cancelled My Verizon Account Merely Out of Spite YEARS Ago!

(Via Imgur)

Important Notice

This website has NOT ceased publication.  I just want to punch people in the face right now.  That is all.

Ted Nugent Attending the State of the Union Address? No Problem, According to Satan!

Don't worry sane people, I got this.  XO, Satan.

Hell – The Prince of Darkness, Satan, stated to Unsolicited Drivel today that people who are “up in arms”…(get it?) over one time rocker and now permanently mentally unhinged gun-nut Ted Nugent attending Obama’s State of the Union Address tonight should just chill already. That’s something that Satan doesn’t say lightly either – “chill.”

Rep. Steve Stockman (R) of Texas announced Monday that he didn’t believe there would be enough insane people who only cared about killing stuff (including President Obama) attending tonight's address and offered Nugent a ticket in the nose bleed seats for the President’s speech about why we are not going to live have through another shit-storm the next 1 to 4 years.

Lucifer told us, “I know what you are thinking! If I was truly good at my job I would have set Ted up as Dick Cheney’s favorite hunting buddy by now. But in reality, Dick can’t even leave his mansion now for fear of being shot or dragged by a pick-up truck by an Iraqi war veteran across U.S. lines to be charged as a war criminal. But I have very special plans for Ted when he gets here.  I plan to make him bunk with a singer who is basically the anti-Ted, except for being a total asshole - Pat Boone. And since Boone is a fellow Obama hater yet thinks any guy who has hair that covers their ears is a fag, he’ll be continually cursing Ted to get AIDS and die all over again.  It’s a win-win.  That should get the Motor City Madman to STFU for once. I have my hopes anyway.”

NBC Now to Allegedly “Monitor” Donald Trump’s Borderline Insanity

You gotta pwobwem wit me?

New York - Real Estate mogul and reality TV star Donald Trump's increasing need to lose all of his marbles publicly was allegedly addressed at the 2013 winter Television Critics Association press tour on Sunday. Even though Trump claims to have “a great relationship with the blacks” or “Americans” as they are known in polite circles, he has repeatedly had issues with President Obama being in office. And supposedly, even his own family has told him to STFU in regard to his disdain.

An NBC honcho told us, “He has his own political belief system. We’re not quite sure what it is but are guessing it’s something like he believes in dipping the entire White House in gold, having legal gambling in the West wing and filling it with hookers from Eastern bloc countries to service patrons in the Lincoln bedroom.  But we can’t be sure. We will keep our ear to the ground for his political outbursts in the future.  Okay, just start paying attention really.  However, Mr. Trump still brought us ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ which has been a ratings winner for us.  And with the exception of Joan Rivers, the audience loves that he brings on other contestants who are people they thought were already dead, should be and/or are soon to go to prison, or should be studied in a lab. We do not share our political views with each other at NBC Universal. That being said, I will also confirm with you at this time that despite rumors, we did NOT inject our chief political correspondent Chuck Todd’s face full of Botox to keep him from looking like he was trying to keep from breaking out laughing all during coverage of the GOP at the Iowa Caucuses last year.”

As Obama's $ensless War on Pot Continues...

What a waste of Federal money and manpower!  Chasing after folks that are likely home asleep on the sofa.  Or under the dining room table.

Pat Boone Insists Obama Can’t Possibly Be American

The pop music version of Donald Trump (complete with weird hair), 50s crooner Pat Boone, has hopped on a “crazy train” that has nothing to do with his hit song to slam President Obama’s birth certificate, labeling it a “Photoshopped fraud.”

In an interview this week with The Birther Chronicle, Boone stated, “I was in Kenya about a year ago trying to convince them they’d all get AIDS if they didn’t join the Church of Christ and they said of Obama, ‘you know that guy’s from here.’  I believe that.  It explains why he’s hiding his birth records.  Also, he’s absolutely nothing like the only black guy I know – Little Richard. They couldn’t have less in common.  And Obama doesn’t even act like a bleeding heart liberal Democrat at all!  We don’t have black Republicans in this country either!!  Herman Cain, Michael Steele and that Alan Keyes fellow are all paid tokens to add diversity to our party.  The ghost of Ronald Reagan told me so.   And the only explanation for Obama’s constantly negotiating with the rich lawmakers who are in control of this country is that he’s some sort of high brow Kenyan Prince.  A Kenyan Prince who reads the Koran no less!!”

Republicans Propose Vote to Repeal the Term “Wealthiest”

Washington, DC – In a move that came as a shock to almost everyone, President Obama turned back into a Democrat yesterday and finally called for the wealthiest Americans to pay their fair share of taxes.  

Obama stated, "It's only right we ask everyone to pay their fair share.  I will not support any plan that puts the entire burden for closing our deficit on Warren Buffett’s secretary.  I don’t know why I didn’t think of this plan ages ago! Like two years ago when my party was in control.  My bad."

Not surprisingly, the shockingly bold move from the President caused an immediate outcry from Republicans, this time to repeal the term “wealthiest.”  Speaker Boehner spoke after Obama’s press conference stating, “This is class warfare on the job creators plain and simple.  By the time you pay the salaries of the maid, the limo driver, the nanny, the bartender, the shoeshine guy, the lawn boy, the dog walker, and the Twitter and Facebook updaters, there’s very little money leftover for a job creator to scrape by.  Maybe only as little as $1,000,000 or so for the average wealthy* American.  And the American people don’t want their government’s economic strategy to depend solely on class warfare.  That’s why my colleagues and I are proposing we immediately repeal the term ‘wealthiest.’  That way we will have no longer have class distinctions and all Americans will finally be equal - just like the founding fathers intended."

*According to NPR 46% of Congress are millionaires.

Will You Be Watching Obama's Jobs Speech Tonight?

These buggers sure as hell will be.

Less Hope, No Change

Obama's B-Movie is Coming Soon!

I hope this plays at the Sundance Film Festival.  Liberals really need to know what he's been up to.

Obama Changes Vacation Plans to Silence Critics

Williamsburg, VA – Is Obama headed south instead of north on his vacation today?  A source says “yes” and confirmed the president has moved the first family’s vacation to Colonial Williamsburg to silence his critics once and for all.

A White House spokesperson told Unsolicited Drivel, “Despite his predecessor George W. Bush having spent nearly two and a half years on vacation,* many Americans still have taken issue with President Obama and his family’s Martha’s Vineyard vacation plans which were to have started today.  Not only did they not want him to take any time off after the histrionic debt ceiling fight sent stocks into the crapper, they particularly didn’t want him to do it by having a clambake with Carly Simon.  So after a bit of discussion, Obama agreed that visiting a seaside playground of the rich and famous might not be in his best interest right now.  We chose Colonial Williamsburg for the first family because we couldn’t think of a more patriotic, less controversial place for them to visit. Malia and Sasha plan to learn how to sew a flag with stars and bars and Michelle will learn to load a musket while they are there too!   Even the Tea Party won’t be able to take issue with the choice of the Williamsburg vacation and now our staff is really looking forward to seeing the next batch of crazy-eyed photos of Rep. Bachmann uploaded to the web once the news breaks and she finds out.  As another positive result of Obama’s new and improved American vacation, we also fully expect that sometime before Labor Day, we see'll at least one GOP candidate on film in Philadelphia humping the Liberty Bell. We've even started a betting pool for which candidate it will be!”

*879 Days - surpassing even Ronald (I should have moved my ranch to Hidden Valley so folks didn’t notice how disinterested I was in Washington) Reagan.

Obama Realistic About Re-election

New York – Speaking at a fundraiser last night likely attended by only by folks who get to hang* with the Clintons, President Obama stressed that his administration is focused on putting Americans back to work, instead of deluding themselves into thinking that spending cuts will solve all of our problems.  He suggested we invest in new (green) technologies and reinvest in education instead of just helping the rich invest on Wall Street, as was the plan over the last 10 years.

On a night when GOP Presidential hopefuls were cat-fighting in a debate over which had the least accomplishments, and a Fox News host received "boos" from the audience when he asked Michele Bachmann if she “submits” to her husband (when everyone knows Marcus Bachmann likes to be dominated), the President turned focus back to the important tasks at hand. Some of his remarks included: 

“Democracy is a messy business.  Heck, the Iraqi people can tell you that.  Our system is broken and after 2 1/2 half years of holding it together with Krazy Glue, it’s time to face facts - that glue just doesn’t do a heckuva job.  Getting to a second term will be a challenge.  Maybe I should have saved Bin Laden's death as an 'October surprise?'  But that's not my style.  So, are we going to have a country that’s inclusive, with opportunities for everybody, or a country that remains exclusive?  Are we going to create jobs outside of the military for a change?  Well, that’s the plan.  In fact, we have created jobs under my administration.  I thought about hiring a PR firm to get the message out, but that kind of bullsh*t costs money.  Besides, I’m not sure there’s a firm in America that’s talented enough get any message through the dense skulls of the Tea Party. Thanks.  You've been a lovely audience.  Enjoy the local free-range prime rib.”

As always, Ohio’s progressive Rep. Dennis Kucinich took issue with Obama’s leadership by stating, “Obama needs to be more like FDR.”  Upon hearing this criticism, GOP Presidential front-runner Mitt Romney stated, “If you mean Obama needs to be a rich white guy who comes from a neighborhood that most Americans could only dream about living in, then I agree!” 

*Not the folks who hang the Clinton’s hand-painted wallpaper.

Uncle Sam Announces Huge Yard Sale to Make Up for Crappy Debt Agreement

Washington, DC – The historically bad debt-ceiling agreement reached last night between the President and House and Senate leaders still has to be voted into law, but one iconic American figure, Uncle Sam, isn’t counting on it having any positive effect. Quite the opposite, in fact.

The country’s grizzled mascot complained, “I don’t know what part of the words ‘revenue increase’ this government doesn’t understand.  Save a dime, lose a dollar.  Didn’t one of the founding fathers say that?  I've never seen a business that tried to do things on the cheap succeed.  This deal is complete bunk and if it passes, will not get the country out of the crapper. We’re never going to be able to pay off this debt merely by spending cuts, so I figured I better chip in.  Much to my dismay, I’ve got those folks from Antiques Roadshow coming to appraise the Statue of Liberty and all of the stuff in the Smithsonian to put up for auction.   Mount Rushmore will open up for rock climbing expeditions and I’m also putting up all of the land in the other national parks for sale.  Wait a minute…didn’t the GOP already sell those parcels?  It’s really getting hard to keep track of which parts of the American dream they have already sold out.”

Speaker Boehner Didn’t Get the Memo About Having to Work Closely With the President

Washington, DC – Speaker of the House John Boehner was overheard by a CBS News reporter last night grumbling, "I didn't sign up for going mano-a-mano with the President of the United States.”  This complaint was in regard to the “dangerous game” he’s playing according to Obama over the debt ceiling negotiations and leaves the American public wondering, “then what the F did you sign up for Mr. Boehner?”

Unsolicited Drivel asked an aide close to the Speaker to tell us in confidence just what Rep. Boehner did sign up for.  They told us, “I can't say I know for sure.  I am a little surprised that he didn’t realize that the Speaker of the House would have to work one-on-one with the President regularly.  I even had to do a MapQuest for him to find the Oval Office.   I guess when a person’s mind is consumed with perpetuating the illusion that one will create jobs* just to get elected, hosting fundraisers, playing golf, pressing the flesh with lobbyists to line one’s own pocket, figuring out the quickest way to drive every American who’s not one of your cronies into poverty, protecting the right to life of fetuses until they are born and then become voters and frying one’s brain in a tanning booth, a Speaker doesn’t have time to read their job description.  Again, I’m just guessing, mind you.  I could be wrong.  But in that case it would have to be because Boehner’s delusional, and I don’t think he’d be able to get corporate America to hand him as much money as he gets regularly on a silver platter if he was bat-shit crazy."

*200 Days in: 1.9 million jobs killed and zero jobs created.

Obama Wants America to Believe That Washington Has Been Working Lately

Washington, DC – President Obama spoke this morning on the non-negotiations currently underway in Washington regarding the debt ceiling and assured America that once in a while Washington can actually do something that doesn’t involve cluelessly drinking $350 bottles of wine.

The president made it very clear that he had been working with speaker John Boehner all weekend on trying to come to a resolution to avoid America defaulting on its loans that wasn’t merely a stop-gap solution.

Boehner was not present at the press conference, but it is believed that he had indeed been in meetings with Obama all weekend as aides reported his skin was looking paler than the president’s for a change at their Monday morning prayer circle.

Obama stated that he believed the American people wanted things done and he expected to manage the deficit and stabilize the debt and do so all without raising taxes.  The president concluded his brief remarks by promising a resolution within a reasonable amount of time and then ended the press conference by pulling a live rabbit out of a top hat that had once belonged to Abraham Lincoln.

White House Insists - Still No Plans to Kill Grandma

Washington, DC – The Obama Administration was denying reports today that they were thinking of making cuts to Social Security in their plan to let Republicans continue with their delusional plans of no new taxes to avoid raising the debt ceiling, insisting instead that the President wants to strengthen the plan and not kill our elderly.

An Obama spokesperson stated, “While it’s true that the debt ceiling has been raised in the past more often than the Amish people raise barns, we’re trying to find a way around that to appear to have economic solutions this time. Social programs like Social Security definitely don’t drive up our deficit in a way that our starting wars on a regular basis with phantom menaces does, but we still need to find ways to strengthen them. Grandma will not starve under the new plan, but she may have to downgrade from Fancy Feast to Meow Mix.”

Upon hearing the news that the media had exaggerated their reporting of the President’s intentions toward the crucial social program, retailers immediately called China to cancel their huge orders of pitchforks and torches.