Rush Limbaugh WRONG on Ricin Poisoning Suspect Arrest

New York – Increasingly mentally unhinged and advertising revenue lacking broadcaster Rush Limbaugh has insisted that the only reason the government arrested Ricin poisoning suspect Paul Kevin Curtis… is because he hails from Dixieland.  Yes, you read that correctly.

Unsolicited Drivel contacted a sheriff’s deputy down in Lee County, Mississippi for comment.  The officer, who chose to speak anonymously, told us, “Mr. Curtis was arrested because of some mighty fine policin’ alright, alright.  Anybody who can get access to the Internets can figger out how to make that rice krispies poisoning. They can do it in the libbery if they still have one and have a hobo read them the instructions.  We arrested the suspect, Paul Kevin Curtis, ‘cause he got three names.  That told us one thing little lady – serial killer.  Also, we had to put an end to his career as an Elvis impersonator.  Curtis ain’t got no rhythm in his hips. That’s the most shockin' thing about that boy bein’ from the South y'all!”

Super Bowl Halftime Shows We’d Actually Like to See

Madonna is playing the halftime show at this Sunday’s Super Bowl, proving that she’s still got it…if by “got it” we mean has enough f*cking nerve to demand $300 for concert tickets. As we’ll no doubt be treated to songs to make us reminisce about a time when Warren Beatty didn’t look like a corpse (as we saw him look okay while she banging him in that black and white movie she made fifty years ago), we’ll also be wondering if the NFL couldn’t have been a little more creative with their entertainment and not have it stuck in a by-gone era?  They never are, but who wants to count the veins on Madonna's arms in hi-def? Really? So, we took it upon ourselves to think of ways to liven up the Super Bowl halftime show and came up with these ideas for our fantasy football follies:

1.  Blue Ivy Carter – Baby’s First Jam
Beyonce and Jay-Z’s kid and her 300 nannies and 850 body guards take to the stage to show that baby is already a musical prodigy at only six weeks old.  Ivy’s onesie will be bedazzled with stones cut from dad's newly purchased Hope Diamond and her back-up dancers will also serve as armed security guards wearing real bullet bras, unlike Madonna’s fake one on her “Blonde Ambition” tour.  Justin Bieber will make a cameo to close the program and sing along with Blue while she cries to his hit “Baby,” with special guest Willow Smith dancing behind them in a crib seeming to have wild hand-head sex with her newly shaved noggin.

2. Madonna/Elton John Lip-Synch-Off

Madonna’s biggest critic, Queen of England Elton John, will join the alleged singer at for a lip-synching contest as he so loathes her technique.  The challenge will be that they will be forced to fake emote to each other’s songs.  Elton’s husband David Furnish and whichever prepubescent boy Madonna is currently dry-humping will live blog nasty comments via Facebook while Madonna messes up Elton’s lyrics as nobody knows what they are to begin with (Tiny prancer? Yellow Brick ho?) and Elton gags on the sheer banality of hers.

3. Elvis Serenades the People of Wal-Mart
Featuring an “Elvis Impersonator,” but due to a battle with Lisa Marie and the Church of Scientology, no actual Elvis songs, they could present some 50s sock-hop or rockabilly kind of studio tracks with lyrics including Wal-Mart specials and featuring a dance troupe of mullet-headed men with special guests, the “Tramp Stamp Two-Steppers.”   Other original songs could include tracks like, “Blue Suede Smock,” “I Can’t Help Falling in Aisle 5 Thanks to You Never Cleaning Up,” and “In the White Trash Ghetto.”