Super Bowl Halftime Shows We’d Actually Like to See

Madonna is playing the halftime show at this Sunday’s Super Bowl, proving that she’s still got it…if by “got it” we mean has enough f*cking nerve to demand $300 for concert tickets. As we’ll no doubt be treated to songs to make us reminisce about a time when Warren Beatty didn’t look like a corpse (as we saw him look okay while she banging him in that black and white movie she made fifty years ago), we’ll also be wondering if the NFL couldn’t have been a little more creative with their entertainment and not have it stuck in a by-gone era?  They never are, but who wants to count the veins on Madonna's arms in hi-def? Really? So, we took it upon ourselves to think of ways to liven up the Super Bowl halftime show and came up with these ideas for our fantasy football follies:

1.  Blue Ivy Carter – Baby’s First Jam
Beyonce and Jay-Z’s kid and her 300 nannies and 850 body guards take to the stage to show that baby is already a musical prodigy at only six weeks old.  Ivy’s onesie will be bedazzled with stones cut from dad's newly purchased Hope Diamond and her back-up dancers will also serve as armed security guards wearing real bullet bras, unlike Madonna’s fake one on her “Blonde Ambition” tour.  Justin Bieber will make a cameo to close the program and sing along with Blue while she cries to his hit “Baby,” with special guest Willow Smith dancing behind them in a crib seeming to have wild hand-head sex with her newly shaved noggin.

2. Madonna/Elton John Lip-Synch-Off

Madonna’s biggest critic, Queen of England Elton John, will join the alleged singer at for a lip-synching contest as he so loathes her technique.  The challenge will be that they will be forced to fake emote to each other’s songs.  Elton’s husband David Furnish and whichever prepubescent boy Madonna is currently dry-humping will live blog nasty comments via Facebook while Madonna messes up Elton’s lyrics as nobody knows what they are to begin with (Tiny prancer? Yellow Brick ho?) and Elton gags on the sheer banality of hers.

3. Elvis Serenades the People of Wal-Mart
Featuring an “Elvis Impersonator,” but due to a battle with Lisa Marie and the Church of Scientology, no actual Elvis songs, they could present some 50s sock-hop or rockabilly kind of studio tracks with lyrics including Wal-Mart specials and featuring a dance troupe of mullet-headed men with special guests, the “Tramp Stamp Two-Steppers.”   Other original songs could include tracks like, “Blue Suede Smock,” “I Can’t Help Falling in Aisle 5 Thanks to You Never Cleaning Up,” and “In the White Trash Ghetto.”

Steven Tyler Rendition of National Anthem Worst Thing to Happen to Pro Athletes Since Kardashian Sisters?

Foxboro, Mass – Professional athletes and sports fans agreed yesterday that American Idol judge and Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem was “the worst thing to happen to pro athletes since the Kardashian sisters hit puberty and started preying on them like malnourished sharks."  

One teammate, who asked not to be named, told Unsolicited Drivel, “It was pretty bad.  I mean you could mute the video and still tell by the look on the players’ faces. Flacco looked like he sat on a tack.  At least Christina Aguilera has boobs you can stare at for a distraction.  I mean Steven has boobs too, I’ve seen pictures of him at the beach, but they aren’t the hot kind.  But you know what?  I’d still have to say his singing probably wasn’t quite as bad as it would be catching a case of crabs from dating one of those hairy sisters that own the E! Channel.”

We have also learned exclusively that even the ghost of Jimi Hendrix weighed in on the controversial song rendition via Ouija board, stating he would have been more than happy to have offered a royalty-free usage of his instrumental version of the anthem to play to have drowned out Tyler’s singing as it could be heard all they way up to Heaven, and it was very distracting to the security detail that was trying to keep Joe Paterno out.

NFL Reaches Agreement to Live On Millions of More Dollars Than You

Washington, DC – Bookies everywhere that were starting to get the shakes from potentially not screwing people out of their livelihoods this fall breathed a sigh relief today when it was announced that the NFL and its players association had finally come to an agreement to end their 4 ½ month lockout.

Commissioner Roger Goodell announced in a news conference with NFLPA leader DeMaurice Smith, "It's been a long time coming. Football is back and that's great news for everybody. I know it has seemed like a very long and unproductive process since I stood here back in March and announced that players and owners couldn’t come to any mutual agreement about living on millions of dollars per year when many Americans are starving. Ironically for the players the solution was really very simple - the NFL simply had to adjust the athletes’ salaries to a level that would guarantee their ability to bang one of the good looking Kardashians and/or Cameron Diaz and also open up a theme restaurant to overcharge for mediocre, calorie-heavy food that will increase the nation's obesity epidemic.  I don't know why it took us this long to see that.  Our bad.”