Super Bowl Halftime Shows We’d Actually Like to See

Madonna is playing the halftime show at this Sunday’s Super Bowl, proving that she’s still got it…if by “got it” we mean has enough f*cking nerve to demand $300 for concert tickets. As we’ll no doubt be treated to songs to make us reminisce about a time when Warren Beatty didn’t look like a corpse (as we saw him look okay while she banging him in that black and white movie she made fifty years ago), we’ll also be wondering if the NFL couldn’t have been a little more creative with their entertainment and not have it stuck in a by-gone era?  They never are, but who wants to count the veins on Madonna's arms in hi-def? Really? So, we took it upon ourselves to think of ways to liven up the Super Bowl halftime show and came up with these ideas for our fantasy football follies:

1.  Blue Ivy Carter – Baby’s First Jam
Beyonce and Jay-Z’s kid and her 300 nannies and 850 body guards take to the stage to show that baby is already a musical prodigy at only six weeks old.  Ivy’s onesie will be bedazzled with stones cut from dad's newly purchased Hope Diamond and her back-up dancers will also serve as armed security guards wearing real bullet bras, unlike Madonna’s fake one on her “Blonde Ambition” tour.  Justin Bieber will make a cameo to close the program and sing along with Blue while she cries to his hit “Baby,” with special guest Willow Smith dancing behind them in a crib seeming to have wild hand-head sex with her newly shaved noggin.

2. Madonna/Elton John Lip-Synch-Off

Madonna’s biggest critic, Queen of England Elton John, will join the alleged singer at for a lip-synching contest as he so loathes her technique.  The challenge will be that they will be forced to fake emote to each other’s songs.  Elton’s husband David Furnish and whichever prepubescent boy Madonna is currently dry-humping will live blog nasty comments via Facebook while Madonna messes up Elton’s lyrics as nobody knows what they are to begin with (Tiny prancer? Yellow Brick ho?) and Elton gags on the sheer banality of hers.

3. Elvis Serenades the People of Wal-Mart
Featuring an “Elvis Impersonator,” but due to a battle with Lisa Marie and the Church of Scientology, no actual Elvis songs, they could present some 50s sock-hop or rockabilly kind of studio tracks with lyrics including Wal-Mart specials and featuring a dance troupe of mullet-headed men with special guests, the “Tramp Stamp Two-Steppers.”   Other original songs could include tracks like, “Blue Suede Smock,” “I Can’t Help Falling in Aisle 5 Thanks to You Never Cleaning Up,” and “In the White Trash Ghetto.”

Hospital Denies Installing Electronic Force Field to Keep Commoners Away from Jay-Z and Beyonce’s Baby

New York – Lennox Hill Hospital has been taking a lot of heat for possibly giving R&B and rap superstars, Beyonce and Jay-Z, special treatment during their stay in the maternity ward during and after the birth of their baby girl Blue Ivy Garden Weed Seedling.  And now rumors are also flying that they actually installed an electronic force field for the couple to keep the other people in the hospital away from their new bundle of joy - at least before she had signed her first recording contract and needed the publicity.

One new dad told Unsolicited Drivel, “They can deny it all they want, but on my way to the to the nursery to see my newborn, I definitely felt a significant shock through my entire body when I got within ten feet away from the glass and I was forced to skip the visit and there was suddenly smoke coming out of my ears and I didn’t want the newborns to be already thinking about taking up a nasty habit like cigarettes.  Especially the ones that didn’t really have lungs yet.”

The hospital denies any such electronic deterrent was set up to keep the little people from obtaining a glance at the R&B baby royalty.  A spokesperson clarified further, “We did no such thing to keep plain people that can’t afford to buy Birkin diaper bags in every color away from the nursery when little Ivy was in it.  We also deny that we brought in live storks that had been trained as OBGYNs to deliver her, or that any out of work actors were hired to impersonate wise men or angels, or that we arranged for a star to be visible from the east, and that the entire six floor was on lock-down before and after the birth.  Beyonce and Jay-Z had a very simple birth and welcomed their beautiful baby girl into our ‘Executive Suite,’ which means the only difference between her and other moms was that Beyonce got a free can of macadamia nuts. Yeah, that’s pretty much all she got.”