Woman Plans to Have Most of Her Body Parts Removed Thanks to Actress Angelina Jolie

Knocking out good judgement!

Egg Harbor Township, NJ – An area woman confessed today that she was planning on likely removing most of her body parts thanks to the seemingly extremely brave actress Angelina Jolie.

Ashley Peterson told Unsolicited Drivel, “I’m not going to waste my money on having the $3,000 genetic testing, I’m just going have my boobs removed. If it’s good enough for Angelina Jolie, it’s good enough for me. I don’t even have any family history of the breast cancer. Plus, I can't use my boobs to get work as a stripper because I'm very religious and don't want to try heroin.  That's the only occupation I can find that's hiring around my area.  I’m also thinking of removing my ovaries, my uterus, and my armpits too thanks to Angie.  I don’t even like her movies. Have you noticed that they are kind of about really depressing stuff and most of the people are all sad? I just figure if she’s stellar  enough steal a guy like Brad Pitt, I should do exactly what she does. Even though she confesses she doesn’t have a single female girl friend she can give life saving boob-removing advice to.  I don’t have insurance as like I said, I'm unemployed but I've just decided I'm going to loot my 401k because the notoriously private actress actually broke her silence. When Angie speaks, I listen. Although I'm told I'll have to see a plastic surgeon because superstar cancer surgeons seem to think I'm a moron.  By the way, as soon as Gwyneth Paltrow falls out of love with her colon because she suspects she might have a polyp, I’m yanking mine too!!

Gwyneth Paltrow Shocked by “Most Beautiful” Magazine Cover

New York – Colon-obsessed starlet Gwyneth Paltrow claims she is completely shocked to be named as the cover girl for this year’s People Magazine’s ‘Most Beautiful’ issue.

The spawn of much more talented parents told Unsolicited Drivel, “When I first read about it, I thought it was a joke. Or maybe I had developed dyslexia. But I think only Scientologists get that disorder because Tom Cruise is a sufferer. I mean it’s not like I am an Eva Mendes, Jennifer Lawrence or Megan Fox. At home I wear no make-up and jeans.  Of course, my jeans cost $4,000 and I am just sitting back on my penthouse terrace while I’m enjoying my latest diet I made up.  This time it’s macrobiotic lychee nut essence.  It’s a very iconic cover and I’m honored. Particularly since I think my assistant's assistant's assistant told me recently that it might be possible that some people don’t like me.  Can the fine editorial staff at People Magazine just tell how beautiful I am on the inside? No.  That could not be possible.  Then the honor must have been bestowed on me because I grabbed some guy’s nuts live on The Graham Norton Show.”

Crooner-in-Chief Obama to Appear On Glee?

Washington, DC – Earlier this week President Obama sang again. This time he joined music greats B.B. King, Mick Jagger, Jeff Beck and Buddy Guy at the White House to celebrate blues music in our American culture. And now we have learned exclusively that he may have an even bigger public singing gig on the horizon in a guest role on Glee!

An insider in the administration told Unsolicited Drivel, "As you can tell, Obama is surely as talented as frequent Glee guest star Gwyneth Paltrow. And Ms. Paltrow’s appearances certainly did a great deal to restore the fan base she lost after she launched that website giving lifestyle advice that makes her seem like a pretentious wench obsessed with ignoring her husband in favor of her lower intestine. Just because the Republicans have failed to produce a candidate that any of them want to have a beer with doesn’t mean Obama’s not vulnerable in November. Also, appearing on a show like Glee will give Obama a chance to win back his fan base in the gay and lesbian community that he’s alienated since taking office by dragging ass on their issues because he's in the closet himself...as a conservative! We don’t have any plans to start a new war with Syria during an election year, so the President’s possible role on Glee could suffice as our 'October Surprise'. And as the country seems to be going bat-shit insane even without Michele Bachmann leading their way, we’re pretty sure now that the Republican candidate is going to be Rick Santorum instead of Mitt Romney.  If that's the case, we'll probably have Obama appear on the Halloween episode of Glee as school board administrator and have him in costume as the devil. Hell, Santorum's already convinced he’s running against Satan anyway."

Alec Baldwin Doesn’t Care if You Care He Wasn’t at The Emmys

New York – Alec Baldwin never intended to attend last night’s 50 thousandth annual Emmy Awards Show and it wasn’t because he knew Jane Lynch would look more svelte in tuxedo.  So Internet gossips just need to get over it already!

An insider in the star’s camp told Unsolicited Drivel, “Alec had never planned to be at the Emmys so we don’t know why he’s catching such flack.  He was going to be celebrating 30 Rock’s first day of syndication yesterday along with his new daily ability to eclipse Tina Fey’s spotlight.  He also attended Tony Bennett’s birthday party, which he knew would be much more fun than sitting at the endless Emmy ceremony next to Gwyneth Paltrow doing her goth impression of I Dream of Jeannie.  Alec prerecorded a segment for the Emmys, but they tossed it out at the last minute fearing it would anger Rupert Murdoch as it alluded to phone hacking voicemail and Fox is owned by his disgraced News Corp. that's under investigation for that.  I don’t know why they had a problem with it.  The Simpsons make fun of Fox all the time.”

We checked with a disgruntled Fox intern who had been on the production crew of the Emmy ceremony for the inside scoop on the text of Alec’s Emmy voicemail routine.  Apparently, it went something like this:

“Once again, I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone to call you and you have made an ass out me of for the last time. Rupert, I don’t care if you’re 83 years old or a 103 years old, or whatever you are, you are nothing but a rude, thoughtless little pig!”

Woman Liked Gwyneth Paltrow Better When She Was a “Fake British Person”

Baltimore, MD – An area woman admitted today that she liked actress Gwyneth Paltrow much better way back when she was pretending to be British chick and not offering her opinions via media outlets that simply recycle news and seem to be obsessed with her.

Lisa Blake told Unsolicited Drivel, “You know, if Gwyneth had hired an ad agency to promote herself, I would be her target demographic, yet, I couldn’t warm up to her now if my life depended on it.  She makes a string of indy films, pretending to be the next Emma Thompson and I thought she was kind of cool.  Then I found out she was just a rich American kid from Manhattan.  As an Anglophile, I felt duped.  And her accent wasn't even that great.  My bad.  Then she decides to offer lifestyle advice on that website Goop. If I want pretentious advice about buying stuff I can't afford, I’ll stick with Martha Stewart, thank you very much. Then she was trying to impersonate a cool person on Glee, a show that’s supposed to be about nerds. Another strike against her.  Then she’s suddenly a chef.  This week she’s spouting off about the Bible and hating haters in Arkansas over homosexuality, so now she’s a theologian?    I’m guessing if she doesn’t cut the crap with the excessive multi-tasking, that if Hollywood someday makes a film about her life, then James Franco would likely end up playing her.  He looks pretty good in a blonde wig, but I’m not sure if he can do a fake British accent too.”

Stop the World! Gwyneth Paltrow Used the “C” Word

Los Angeles - America’s self-appointed princess of pretension, Gwyneth Paltrow, shocked her fans this week by referring to her grandmother as "a real c**t" and "mean as hell."

The occasional actress made her 4,589th appearance to promote her cookbook (which Mario Batali probably wrote, but is interspersed with snippets from her journal*) on the cable talk show Chelsea Lately when she hurled the “c-bomb,” which was bleeped out for TV viewers because nobody who watches Chelsea Handler has ever heard that word before.  No, actually they've all heard it.  Regularly.  But TV still has something called "standards and practices" to adhere to.

One of the actresses’ die-hard fans told Unsolicited Drivel, “It was shocking to say the least.  It took a very long time for Gwyneth to earn my undeserved fan-worship back once I figured out that she wasn’t a waif-like British girl, and that she probably grew up in a penthouse overlooking Central Park.  And now this vulgarity!  I suppose she could have used the ‘c-word’ so she could come off as an irreverent whore like Chelsea tries to, but I’m kind of really wondering if maybe the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree and if Gwyneth’s just like her grandma.  Oh, now I get why she named her daughter Apple! It didn't make any sense before.”

*Written on organic rice paper with squid ink she collected herself while making calamari for her Daddums.

Megan Fox Inks Tribute to Mickey Rourke

Megan Fox has admitted to adding a permanent reminder of the time she spent acting with Mickey Rourke – a tattoo!

Michael Bay’s former whipping girl became very tight with Rourke during the filming of their upcoming movie "Passion Play."

Fox told MTV.com, “I have serious admiration for Mickey and now I seriously have a new tattoo to so honor him!  I know he goes around badmouthing Gwyneth Paltrow and stuff, which might make him seem mean.  He even told me that the last decent performance she gave was making fish tacos on her website.  But our friendship continues to blossom and that’s all that matters to me.  He’s like my angel on earth!  I hope he has kids soon, as he’d be an awesome dad.  Plus his kids could like, stroke my ego too.  As long as that doesn't involve any actual touching...with germs.”

Fox did not unveil her new ink for MTV, which she indicated was on her rib cage, so we sent a photographer to stalk her during her recent Hawaiian vacation.  The tattoo design is a heartfelt tribute to her "friendship" with Rourke, for sure, but we can’t begin to imagine how her long time boyfriend, Brian Austin Green, feels now about hitting her with that.

Gwyneth Paltrow Has Emotions - Even Hatred!

Bitchestershire on Thames – Gwyneth Paltrow wants the world to know that when she’s not filled with marcobiotic wheat grass soufflé, at times, she can be filled with hate.

Gwyneth took the time to speak to British Vogue in between providing lifestyle tips via her website on keeping her colon squeaky clean.  She told the glossy magazine, “Oh, yes, I can be mean.  I can be as mean as I am lean. I have a so-called friend who has really done me wrong.  But revenge is corrosive and it doesn’t make me feel good.  Every time I feel myself holding on to hate, I give myself and IV of brown rice syrup to sweeten up my disposition immediately.”

As a result of the interview, the magazine seized upon the opportunity to speculate that Gwyneth’s rage is directed at long time pal, Madonna, which seems unlikely.  In fact, Madonna has been particularly grateful to Paltrow for helping her master her fake British accent, and Gwyneth’s been partial to Madge for turning her on to a trainer* who can make the veins pop out on her bony arms to make her look more fit.

Those in the know suggest her hatred has always been directed at former pal, Winona Ryder, and the feeling is mutual.  Apparently, not only did Gwyneth steal Winona’s idea of banging rock stars, but she also stole the script away from her for “Shakespeare in Love,” and subsequently, won an Oscar for playing a boy.  This left Winona with feelings of resentment, because as the gamine actress would have been able to do the part of Viola without any make-up, the role could have provided her plenty of time for opportunities to shoplift accessories in the costume shop on set - which would have kept her out of Saks.

*The trainer has since been fired, as the workout schedule left no time for photo opportunities kissing babies in Malawi.