Russell Brand Demands Kardashian 4-Way; America Throws Up in Own Mouth

Los Angeles – Comedian and alleged actor Russell Brand made the entire country throw up in it’s own mouth last evening by fantasizing out loud about having a four-way with the Kardashian sisters.

Appearing on the talk show Chelsea Lately (as the only guest host Chelsea Handler probably would not want to bang) he made his admiration obvious to the attention whore sisters.

Unsolicited Drivel contacted Brand for comment about his fantasy date.

U.D.: “Firstly, Russell, uh, it’s nice to meet you. I guess. Did you ever notice that you have played the role of ‘Aldous Snow’ at least four times even though the character’s name had been changed in different movies?”

R.B: “Blimey!  I never noticed that Drivel Lady! But I have ADD you know love!”

U.D.: “Well, you might want to have a little discussion with your agent about that or stay off the movie screen for a good while so people forget.  Anyway, why the Kardashian sisters?”

RB: “Well, those lassies seem game for anything.  They've even sniffed their bloomers on TV!  I don’t know what Armenian coochies smell like and I’d like out for meself.  I imagine, Ishkhan, Sig; some kind of lake trout like they have in their homeland? I dunno! My ex-ball and chain’s mum, Katy Perry’s, would never approve of such an orgy as she’s very religious.  I bet the Kardashian’s mum Kris would even shoot the sex tape!”

U.D.: “You do realize you will still be playing ‘Aldous Snow’ in the sex tape, right?”

RB: “I guess I hadn’t thought that far ahead love. Better up me Adderall.”

Washington Avoids Fiscal Cliff Jumping (Sort of)

U.S. of A. - In the wee small hours of the morning last night, while most of America was on Twitter complaining what complete douche-nozzles they are, our nation’s lawmakers finally came to an agreement to avoid sending America over the Fiscal Cliff™, a term Congress hired a boutique branding ad agency to come up with to scare America on the taxpayers’ nickel.

As most Americans felt like they were mind-f*cked over this last minute deal (kind of like not knowing if Santa is going to bring you a shiny new fire-truck to become your own DIY first responder, or a bag of reindeer poop because even Santa doesn’t buy into the lie of clean coal) our lawmakers were able to make a deal just in time for them to go on vacation. Just like magic!  President Obama, flanked by Vice President Joe Biden, trying not to show off his awesome dentures, clearly explained the compromise while most people were watching the second showing of Chelsea Lately with the allegedly slutty talk show host threatening to bang whomever she was interviewing.

We checked in with our Unsolicited Drivel readers for reaction to the deal and here is what they told us…

So taxes are definitely going to increase for everyone.  The middle class (or upper middle class) whom I'm told still exist, may have to pay upwards of $837 more per year.  I put that kind of money up my nose in a single a day as DC madam.   But I also understand that taxes will increase significantly for people making over $400K and COUPLES making $450K.  Why does Congress think my totally emasculated spouse is only likely to make $50K per year?  If I added him to my stable to service closeted GOP Congressmen, he'd be in my tax bracket too if he wasn't a kept husband.

We can't tell you what a relief it is that Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security are safe for now, even though Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin campaigned most of the year on the promise of killing old people.  We don't even have an ice floe to be led out to sea on now as the GOP denies climate change.  Plus, it was bad enough for us personally back in the 60s when they took time out from counting their money to try and prevent our interracial marriage.

So they increased the Capital gains taxes?  Like I'd have anything to gain if I sold my shit-ass stock in Facebook?!?   I can't believe I purchased IPO stock from some idea-stealing dork who runs around the boardroom in a hoodie.  Now if I had purchased stock in whatever companies make Angry Birds or Call of Duty Black Ops II and wanted to unload it to start a meth lab....well, then I'd be really fucking pissed.

While I couldn't be more pleased for the hard-working Americans that got their unemployment insurance extended, I'm still really bummed.  See I took this picture to upload to my my business website back in 2010, but as I am in the "other 98%" I still haven't been able to become a job creator as I don't hire limo drivers or public relations people to do damage control.  Maybe I'll buy a pawn shop as white girls don't like to work as maids for my cleaning service and I never learned to speak Spanish.

Thank goodness they got that farm bill extended.  I am too self-involved to breast feed my daughter and do you know how much cash it takes to maintain this "natural" blonde hair?  No way I was going to pay $8 bucks for a gallon of milk.  But as the government will still do nothing to regulate the hormones in it and little Emma will likely get her period by age 8, maybe I'll invest in the pharmaceutical company that makes the morning after pill?  Even with the capital gains increase, if she grows up to be a slut like mommy, it will still be a win-win.

So, let me see if I understand this sweetie...they didn't f*ck with some things to benefit honest Americans, but they did still f*ck us on other things and as soon as they come up with a new catch phrase for the next fiscal crisis they will inflict on the American people, we will go through this all hype and hysteria again about impending doom as soon as they are sworn back into office as that is how they stay in office?  Yes, dear, I think that pretty much sums up how our government works these days.

No vote at ALL on disaster relief for Hurricane Sandy?  Fungool!  I'm just going to wait for my orders from Governors Christie and Cuomo before I gas up the Lincoln for my trip to DC.

Did Chelsea Handler Inadvertently Doom Her New Show?

Los Angeles – Comedienne and talk show host Chelsea Hander may have doomed her upcoming sitcom, and she didn’t do it by showing up looking like a shipwreck victim in the Hamptons last weekend, but possibly by admitting a fondness for using her brain!

In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Handler told them, “I can't keep doing the same thing; my brain is bleeding. I want to do something that's more mindful and isn't celebrity-centered. I'm not looking to totally bail on E! They've done a lot for me, and I like it here... if you take away the Kardashians."

Our media analyst weighed in on her comments telling us, “Of course we’d all like to imagine a world without Kardashians. Sadly, that’s not going to happen. And I also think success for Chelsea’s new sitcom Are You There Vodka? It’s Me Chelsea, is highly unlikely too. I had already suspected that because of the darn near intolerable laugh track they have on the trailer, but this public admission by Handler that she’d has some brainpower and is longing to use it will likely doom the show. Hollywood has convinced viewers that they don’t want to see smart women on TV. Think about it – even if the female characters seem smart, they always have quirky emotional issues that take them down a number of pegs intellectually.  Because so many internet media outlets are too cheap to pay writers, they will re-post that interview in every one of their entertainment pages.    If viewers perceive that Chelsea has serious brainpower because of this overexposure, they'll likely skip her sitcom no matter how banal the writing is to watch the morons on reality TV instead.  And if Chelsea didn’t want her underutilized brain to bleed, she probably shouldn’t have carved out a niche as the funny slut who makes up silly names for her hoo-ha.”

Stop the World! Gwyneth Paltrow Used the “C” Word

Los Angeles - America’s self-appointed princess of pretension, Gwyneth Paltrow, shocked her fans this week by referring to her grandmother as "a real c**t" and "mean as hell."

The occasional actress made her 4,589th appearance to promote her cookbook (which Mario Batali probably wrote, but is interspersed with snippets from her journal*) on the cable talk show Chelsea Lately when she hurled the “c-bomb,” which was bleeped out for TV viewers because nobody who watches Chelsea Handler has ever heard that word before.  No, actually they've all heard it.  Regularly.  But TV still has something called "standards and practices" to adhere to.

One of the actresses’ die-hard fans told Unsolicited Drivel, “It was shocking to say the least.  It took a very long time for Gwyneth to earn my undeserved fan-worship back once I figured out that she wasn’t a waif-like British girl, and that she probably grew up in a penthouse overlooking Central Park.  And now this vulgarity!  I suppose she could have used the ‘c-word’ so she could come off as an irreverent whore like Chelsea tries to, but I’m kind of really wondering if maybe the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree and if Gwyneth’s just like her grandma.  Oh, now I get why she named her daughter Apple! It didn't make any sense before.”

*Written on organic rice paper with squid ink she collected herself while making calamari for her Daddums.