Woman Plans to Have Most of Her Body Parts Removed Thanks to Actress Angelina Jolie

Knocking out good judgement!

Egg Harbor Township, NJ – An area woman confessed today that she was planning on likely removing most of her body parts thanks to the seemingly extremely brave actress Angelina Jolie.

Ashley Peterson told Unsolicited Drivel, “I’m not going to waste my money on having the $3,000 genetic testing, I’m just going have my boobs removed. If it’s good enough for Angelina Jolie, it’s good enough for me. I don’t even have any family history of the breast cancer. Plus, I can't use my boobs to get work as a stripper because I'm very religious and don't want to try heroin.  That's the only occupation I can find that's hiring around my area.  I’m also thinking of removing my ovaries, my uterus, and my armpits too thanks to Angie.  I don’t even like her movies. Have you noticed that they are kind of about really depressing stuff and most of the people are all sad? I just figure if she’s stellar  enough steal a guy like Brad Pitt, I should do exactly what she does. Even though she confesses she doesn’t have a single female girl friend she can give life saving boob-removing advice to.  I don’t have insurance as like I said, I'm unemployed but I've just decided I'm going to loot my 401k because the notoriously private actress actually broke her silence. When Angie speaks, I listen. Although I'm told I'll have to see a plastic surgeon because superstar cancer surgeons seem to think I'm a moron.  By the way, as soon as Gwyneth Paltrow falls out of love with her colon because she suspects she might have a polyp, I’m yanking mine too!!

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Gollum Demands Brad Pitt Make Angelina Jolie Return "The Ring"

Middle Earth – The protector of the One Ring, or “the precious” as he likes to gurgle it, was hopping mad this week as he has convinced himself that Brad Pitt stole it and used it in the design of Angelina Jolie’s engagement ring. 


Unsolicited Drivel spoke with the shriveled little thing recently about his concerns.

U.D.: “Your claim certainly comes as a surprise. Everybody always thought the reason the Hollywood super couple hadn’t gotten married was because we don’t have marriage equality in this country. Then they ditched the idea of their gay pals having equality and decided to put that big ol’ hunk of ice on Angie’s finger. At first I was surprised, thinking Angelina would never wear a ‘conflict’ diamond being so socially conscious and all. But then I found out that Brad had their daughter Zahara mine it herself on a return trip to visit relatives in Africa. That’s probably the only time the little lady wasn’t wearing a dress. She’s the Anti-Shiloh, you know. So what’s this business about The Ring?”

Gollum: “I can’t say with complete certainty, but the ring disappeared about the same time that Pitt began designing Jolie’s ring – a couple of years ago. I suppose it took him so long to design one ring as he smoked too much pot. Me, I’d have it designed in an afternoon. Or in my sleep. That ring makes you plenty popular and the most famous woman in the world obviously would want even more fame. It's like a drug, even better than Botox and she used to do plenty of drugs. Anyway, I still can't find it and I’m pretty sure that Brad dude is guilty as Hell. He's pretty shifty looking. Not as shifty as an Orc mind you, but shifty enough.” 

U.D.: “But the ring makes you invisible and turns you evil. Angie is a known exhibitionist and a humanitarian.”

Gollum: “Lately her leg has been more popular than she has been, between her movies bombing and her directing depressing, rape-y ones. Maybe she only wants to show her leg to the fans and make the rest of her invisible? As for evil, who do you think sent Jennifer Aniston the script for Wanderlust? Now Angie will be able to finish her off at last! It’s also a girlfriend deflector. I know Angie already said she has no friends, so why not develop that into her super power?  I have demanded they return the ring to me immediately, but as I have to go through their publicists, I have little to no hope.” 

U.D.: "Well you’ve got me convinced. Especially with the claim about evil Angie sending Jen crappy movie scripts in recent years. Good luck, Gollum. I hope you get your ‘precious’ back. Hey, maybe you could ask Gabby Sidibe to help you out?”

Brad Pitt Didn’t Mean to Say Jennifer Aniston Was Boring

Los Angeles - Hollywood hunk Brad Pitt is trying to do damage control even before an interview he gave with Parade Magazine is released this weekend to protect the feelings of ex-wife and America’s sweetheart Jennifer Aniston.

Pitt told the publication that he spent much of the 90s hiding out in a haze and further added, “I think that my marriage had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

Now the actor says his comments were misconstrued and he told Unsolicited Drivel, “It grieves me that this was interpreted this way.  Jen is totally loving, funny and cool. That’s how she’s kept the tabloid magazine business booming all these years for vultures that have no real journalistic credibility or creativity.  I just meant that I spent most of the 90s stoned in a haze, Jen didn't seem to mind it, and I didn’t realize the world was going to Holy Hell in a hand-basket until I met Angie and she pointed that fact out for me by tattooing statistics of worldwide child neglect on my upper thigh.  Things are still kind of hazy for me from time to time.  That’s why I let Shiloh pick out her own clothes whenever I'm the stay at home dad and she ends up dressing like G.I. Joe."