Hasselbeck: Trump Creates More Jobs Than Obama

New York – Elisabeth Hasselbeck , The View co-host and token conservative, added the fuel to the media frenzy fire of Donald Trump’s faux presidential run on Tuesday by insisting The Donald had created more jobs than President Obama.

Her co-hosts were all visibly flummoxed at Hasselbeck’s remark, but were probably not as hard on her as they normally would be, as they were still shocked by Whoopi Goldberg’s description of herself wearing a thong earlier in the program.  At least Barbara Walters piped up by saying,   “You mean because of Celebrity Appwentice?”

We’re guessing it’s pretty dull on set for Elisabeth these days since both her favorite female politicians* come across as borderline insane, and Whoopi Goldberg, while liberal, is not a living, breathing hornet’s nest like former co-host Rosie O’Donnell was.   Was that Elisabeth's motivation for making such a silly remark?

Our political analyst has weighed in on Hasselbeck’s seemingly kooky comment adding, “I suppose she’s never heard of Obama signing the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009?  It created thousands of jobs in infrastructure development, research, renewable energy, and construction.  I’ve seen the signs with the Recovery Act’s seal on construction projects all around the nation’s capital and in National Parks.  However, I suppose Ms. Hasselbeck only takes her family to homogenized attractions like Disney World.  As far as Trump’s job creation record goes – well, I don’t count Celebrity Apprentice, but I suppose if you factor in casino dealers, cocktail waitresses, hookers, herpes ointment manufacturers, gambler’s anonymous counselors and bankruptcy attorneys, he probably has created his fair share.  In fact, it may be the only instance in our country’s economic history that the Republican plan of ‘trickle-down economics’ has actually worked.”

*Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann.

Palin Makes Hasselbeck Feel “Dirty”

New York - Conservative talk show host Elisabeth Hasselbeck from “The View” was at the front of the line during the McCain/Palin presidential campaign to shill for the shrill Sarah Palin, but now she’s been kicked to the curb and feels used, as Palin won’t return her phone calls.

This is very bad news for liberal America indeed, because as they are tolerant human beings, they will now have to feel sorry for someone who does not share their values and speaks of them very dismissively.  But, that’s just what liberals do.  Their bad.

One of the combative host's pals told Unsolicited Drivel, “Back in 2008, Elisabeth was the first to publicly defend Sarah’s $150,000 wardrobe when other Americans were scraping by on food stamps, because she KNOWS how important it is to look good when you don’t have facts to back up your arguments.  But now, she feels like she’s totally been used.  She’s a very genuine person, even if only a small portion of America agrees with what she has to say, and deserves better than being tossed aside like a dirty Kleenex by that half-term governor bitch.  I know Palin won’t return John McCain’s phone calls either, but let’s face it, once she’s off the ticket, he’s just a lying, creepy, old man with cracked corn teeth.  He’s not at all glamorous like Elisabeth can be when she bothers to have her roots done.  This is really sad, because it means the only conservative she can hang out with now and still get the amount of publicity she needs to remain relevant and pretend to call a friend is Bill O’Reilly.  She can't trade fashion tips with him.”