"Satan" DOES NOT Look Like Obama!

New York – Producers of the smash hit cable TV series on the Arts and Entertainment network, The Bible, say that the Internet Tea Party troll chatter about the actor they cast in their miniseries as Satan looking like President Barack Obama is “utter nonsense.” They also added the words, “balderdash” and “malarkey” (bwaaaah!) to get their point across.

Producer Mark Burnett of Survivor fame told Unsolicited Drivel exclusively, “Firstly, I’d like to thank all of those people out there who still believe in Jesus. Whoa! We are talking Honey Boo Boo ratings territory!!!  In terms of the Obama comparison, that’s a sin to even think that people!!  Really, it is. We just wanted someone for Satan who looked so as mean and evil as a person would if we told him he had to spend the rest of eternity in the desert with former Survivor contestant Elisabeth Hasselbeck.  I think actor Mehdi Ouzaani mastered that look and did so without any make-up.”

Another crew member on The Bible mentioned to us that they also used a local casting director and that the director was trying to find an actor who looked like Osama bin Laden, but the director's vision wasn’t the greatest ever since his neighbor poked one of his eyes out for staring at his goat for too long.

Bigfoot Demands Reality Show to Finally Reveal Himself

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Portland, OR – “Bigfoot” also known as “Sasquatch,” as known as the “Abominable Snowman” in parts of the world where he’s likely to snack on your Yak (the Himalayas),  has tweeted this week that he’s willing to come out of hiding for good if he can be guaranteed his own reality TV show on the TLC cable network.

Scientists have recently collected some Bigfoot DNA samples but have no other Bigfoot DNA to compare them to and are too to fearful compare them to some of the current stars of reality television.  Particularly - the Kardashians.


Nevertheless, the “Hairy” Houdini disappearance artist of the Pacific Northwest has told Unsolicited Drivel exclusively (after stealing someone's iPhone outside of a Starbucks) that he would finally prove the legend of his existence is true once and for all if he could be guaranteed a prime time reality show on TLC specifically to strong arm the Animal Planet, also of Discovery Communications,  to make those rubes on “Finding Bigfoot” look even more rube-tac-u-lar and then cancel it in short order. 

The great man-like beast told us, “First of all, I plan to pay no taxes on my outrageous salary I will demand. The federal government already doesn’t recognize its indigenous people and immediately protect their Constitutional rights and I was here before the Native Americans, so why bother pleasing those selfish guys?  I do have some conditions for the TLC channel though.  I would have to get top billing over that infantile hilly-billy harridan, Honey Boo Boo.  There is no negotiation on that.  They can keep “Hoarders” on the air though.  You can't possibly imagine how much stuff I’ve stolen from campers who have been blaming the thefts on the bears all of these years!!! I had to pick the lock and load up some human idiot's storage facility.”

Honey Boo Boo Mistakes Dr. Drew For a Grandpappy and Promptly Fell Asleep

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Hollywood - America's future pole dancer, TLC star Honey Boo Boo Child, appeared on Dr. Drew Peterson's HLN show last night and promptly fell asleep during his questions.

Mama June told Unsolicited Drivel, "Well, that Dr. Drew person seems like some kind of health nut 'cause we couldn't find no Go-Go juice at that Craft Services table.  You know how Honey relies on that to be wound tighter than a 2 dollar watch.  Anyways, she was tired to begin with and he just looked like some grandpappy she was worried would start boring her with stories about how hard it was when he was growing up with no money and walking through six-feet o' snow with no shoes to get to school an' all, when them are conditions we lived with every day before them nice, greedy folks at TLC turned her into America's sweetheart.  Hell, we was living on raccoons and crickets before Toddlers and Tiaras.  Besides, Honey Child's already done her duty for this country by endorsing that Obomber guy for President.  She ain't got nothing to say to Dr. Drew 'cause she's too little for Moonshine or Meth yet."