Maybe I Still CAN Make Fun of the Kardashians?

Sorry, Chelsea Handler.

Bigfoot Demands Reality Show to Finally Reveal Himself

(Artist’s rendering)

Portland, OR – “Bigfoot” also known as “Sasquatch,” as known as the “Abominable Snowman” in parts of the world where he’s likely to snack on your Yak (the Himalayas),  has tweeted this week that he’s willing to come out of hiding for good if he can be guaranteed his own reality TV show on the TLC cable network.

Scientists have recently collected some Bigfoot DNA samples but have no other Bigfoot DNA to compare them to and are too to fearful compare them to some of the current stars of reality television.  Particularly - the Kardashians.


Nevertheless, the “Hairy” Houdini disappearance artist of the Pacific Northwest has told Unsolicited Drivel exclusively (after stealing someone's iPhone outside of a Starbucks) that he would finally prove the legend of his existence is true once and for all if he could be guaranteed a prime time reality show on TLC specifically to strong arm the Animal Planet, also of Discovery Communications,  to make those rubes on “Finding Bigfoot” look even more rube-tac-u-lar and then cancel it in short order. 

The great man-like beast told us, “First of all, I plan to pay no taxes on my outrageous salary I will demand. The federal government already doesn’t recognize its indigenous people and immediately protect their Constitutional rights and I was here before the Native Americans, so why bother pleasing those selfish guys?  I do have some conditions for the TLC channel though.  I would have to get top billing over that infantile hilly-billy harridan, Honey Boo Boo.  There is no negotiation on that.  They can keep “Hoarders” on the air though.  You can't possibly imagine how much stuff I’ve stolen from campers who have been blaming the thefts on the bears all of these years!!! I had to pick the lock and load up some human idiot's storage facility.”

Jenners Continue to Not Deny Impending Divorce

Happily Never After?

Brentwood, CA -  Keeping Up With The Kardashians stars Bruce and Kris Jenner continue to remain silent about rumors of their inevitable divorce despite the fact that every couple who has ever appeared on a reality TV show has inevitably divorced, dating all the way back to the Louds on the the original reality TV series An American Family in the 70s.  Yes, EVERY couple.  Google it.

Self-proclaimed expert on evweything, Barbara Walters, believes the rumor about trouble in paradise for the stage mom on steroids and the former Olympic great are twue, because of the couple's silence on the subject.

We at Unsolicited Drivel have brainwashed ourselves into believing anything Barbara says because she was the first female broadcaster to demand equal pay for equal work.  Be that as it may, we needed to get the inside scoop for ourselves.  A so-called "family friend" of the K. Klan told us:

"Well, it's not like Bruce is uncomfortable being under the spotlight.  He's been in the spotlight for some time and not just on a plastic surgeon's table.  And Kris has finally stopped bragging to him about how she used to bang O.J. Simpson when she was pretending to befriend Nicole.  No need to verbalize it, there's a sex tape.  Kato Kaelin filmed it in exchange for a Big Mac.  I think Bruce is just tired of being Kris' man servant.  Speaking of sex tapes, I heard he had to function as 'Best Boy' in the production of Kim's.  Some of the other unpleasantness he's been subjected to include waxing Khole's back hair, bitch-slapping Kourtney's baby daddy that entitled little prick Scott Disick when he gets too smug and he also had to sign an agreement to sell Kendall and Kylie into white slavery should their reality show ever be cancelled.  So my guess is it's time for Bruce to lawyer up!"

So I Went to Buy Cereal Yesterday...

and saw THIS. Yikes!

Tabloids Aren't Interested in Photos of That New Kardashian Kid Penelope Scotland

I can see why. 

Radioactive Tuna in California!

A radioactive blue fin tuna (pictured below) has been found off the waters of California.  It's believed that tuna has been contaminated due to the Fukushima nuclear plant disaster last year after the earthquake in Japan.  Dang, Aquaman!  But maybe there's a sliver lining to this mushroom cloud? Here's to hoping the Kardashian Klan might be huge fans of sashimi.

Eat me!

Steven Tyler Rendition of National Anthem Worst Thing to Happen to Pro Athletes Since Kardashian Sisters?

Foxboro, Mass – Professional athletes and sports fans agreed yesterday that American Idol judge and Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem was “the worst thing to happen to pro athletes since the Kardashian sisters hit puberty and started preying on them like malnourished sharks."  

One teammate, who asked not to be named, told Unsolicited Drivel, “It was pretty bad.  I mean you could mute the video and still tell by the look on the players’ faces. Flacco looked like he sat on a tack.  At least Christina Aguilera has boobs you can stare at for a distraction.  I mean Steven has boobs too, I’ve seen pictures of him at the beach, but they aren’t the hot kind.  But you know what?  I’d still have to say his singing probably wasn’t quite as bad as it would be catching a case of crabs from dating one of those hairy sisters that own the E! Channel.”

We have also learned exclusively that even the ghost of Jimi Hendrix weighed in on the controversial song rendition via Ouija board, stating he would have been more than happy to have offered a royalty-free usage of his instrumental version of the anthem to play to have drowned out Tyler’s singing as it could be heard all they way up to Heaven, and it was very distracting to the security detail that was trying to keep Joe Paterno out.

If You Were a Kardashian, James Bond Would Hate Your Ridiculous Ass

New York-It’s getting really tough to say who was the most “horrified” as the week goes on after the premiere of the latest Kadashian “E!” Network orgy of excess show that was Kourtney and Kim Take New York. Obviously, stunt-hubby and Photoshop project out of the Kardashian Kristmas Kard, Kris Humphries, pops to the top of the list. And of course, there’s always O.J. Simpson who could be feeling extra guilty sitting in jail right now because if he had found ‘the real killers’ of his wife and her companion as promised, America probably wouldn’t be watching this kovetous klan on our TV screens this very day. Thanks, Juice. Thanks a lot.

And now the one and only James Bond, actor Daniel Craig, has declared the entire Kardashian family as “f**king idiots” for the January issue of GQ magazine. Craig stated, "You see that and you think, “What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a f***ing idiot on television and then you'll pay me millions?”

A pal of Craig's told Unsolicited Drivel, “Daniel is an actor, a fan of the scripted word. Of course he holds disdain for reality stars whose only fame is garnered by prostituting themselves in front of the camera. He’s also a private person and prefers to date his co-stars in secret and subsequently marry them while his ex-girlfriend runs up his credit cards out of spite. He’s okay with that. He’s not going to douse any of them with a martini. Dan’s just been a little cranky with the Bond delays since nobody could figure out what the holy hell was going on with the plot that included that incomprehensible bug-eyed French dude as the villain in Quantum of Solace.   Seriously, what WAS that? At least he has the release of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo to look forward to next month. And I’m sure they’ll be rider barring Kardashians from the red carpet because those ho-bags are likely to be strictly vagazzlers.”

Sasha and Malia Obama Will NOT Be Keeping Up With the Kardashians

Washington, DC – First Lady Michelle Obama opened up in an interview recently and indicated that President Obama is no fan of his daughters watching the Kardashians on TV.

She stated, “Barack really thinks some of the Kardashians are well…uh, he didn’t come out and use the words ‘narcissistic, money-grubbing whores’ but let’s just say their show is off limits for the girls to watch. I’m okay with any television show if Sasha and Malia are learning the right lessons from it, but I don’t think learning how to bang an NBA star by releasing one’s own sex-tape sends the right message. Mind you, I’d be perfectly okay with either of the girls dating an NBA star. Barack does love the hoops. But I’d prefer if maybe they could meet in an emergency room setting when the NBA star has been rushed in for a bad reaction to performance enhancing drugs, like his testicles shriveling to the size of a couple peanuts, and either Sasha or Malia are working there and end up treating him because one or both of them have become a brilliant trauma specialist after med school. Plus, I have no interest in pimping out my kids so they can find a rich guy. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I'm just a simple gal who likes to shop at the Target."

First Look at Kim Kardashian's Wedding Dress!

Wow!  Vera Wang must really enjoy slumming!!  One of those other Kardashians (Zeppo?) said she thought Kim would go with a Christmas theme with the bride in red and the bridesmaids in green.  Looks like her dream wedding is about to come true!

NFL Reaches Agreement to Live On Millions of More Dollars Than You

Washington, DC – Bookies everywhere that were starting to get the shakes from potentially not screwing people out of their livelihoods this fall breathed a sigh relief today when it was announced that the NFL and its players association had finally come to an agreement to end their 4 ½ month lockout.

Commissioner Roger Goodell announced in a news conference with NFLPA leader DeMaurice Smith, "It's been a long time coming. Football is back and that's great news for everybody. I know it has seemed like a very long and unproductive process since I stood here back in March and announced that players and owners couldn’t come to any mutual agreement about living on millions of dollars per year when many Americans are starving. Ironically for the players the solution was really very simple - the NFL simply had to adjust the athletes’ salaries to a level that would guarantee their ability to bang one of the good looking Kardashians and/or Cameron Diaz and also open up a theme restaurant to overcharge for mediocre, calorie-heavy food that will increase the nation's obesity epidemic.  I don't know why it took us this long to see that.  Our bad.”

Kim Kardashian OWNS “Black Hair With Junk-in-the-Trunk” Look

Los Angeles – Celebutard Kim Kardashian just made a shocking move to make her even more irrelevant today by filing a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the apparel retailer Old Navy for using a look-alike model in their ads. 

In addition to claiming the retailer is infringing on her carefully manufactured persona by using model Melissa Molinaro, the reality star also claims that Old Navy is intentionally misleading consumers by letting them think that her butt could ever fit into their jeans.

A pal of the litigious Kardashian told Unsolicited Drivel, “I’m sure you are probably thinking this is all about Melissa dating Kim’s ex Reggie Bush, but it’s not. She doesn’t even have any proof that Melissa has to wax bi-hourly, would wear conflict diamonds that are likely responsible for the genocide of an entire village in Sierra Leone, or has even made a sex-tape. Nevertheless, Kim is so pissed that she also leaning toward trade-marking her having black hair and a voluptuous figure because there’s no way she can trade-mark the ability to remain in the spotlight despite having no discernable talent other than shameless self-promotion.   Paris Hilton already owns the rights to that.”

Khloe Kardashian Seemingly Okay With "Kreepy One” Vibe

In the current reality-TV-whoring crop of Kardashians there’s Kim; the hot exhibitionist one with the sex tape, Kourtney; the mommy one who bangs that dude who looks like “American Psycho,” and Khole; now to be known as The Kreepy One.

In just released pictures from a new spread of YRB Magazine (which we can only assume stands for Young Rich Bitch Magazine) the 26-year old socialite makes a bold fashion statement. 

She wrote on her blog, "Isn’t it fab?! "It’s so different from anything I’ve ever done, which was what made the shoot so fun for me!”

We asked one reality TV addict for comment on Khloe’s new look.  He told us, “It’s different alright. Gee, just I was finally starting to not be creeped out by her with that new copper hair color, she goes right back to Bonerkillerville.  Beyond Bonerkillerville.  She’s totally found the off-ramp to mental Castrationtown.  I guess she can count on those pregnancy rumors stopping now as I can’t imagine her husband Lamar will want to bang her ever again after seeing her mug in that. But you know what, I think  Khloe's still may not be as creepy as Jennifer Aniston looking like a 12-year old while dry humping that Teddy bear for Allure."

Kim Kardashian Kredit Now Available!!

Good news, kids!  The kinky Kardashian sisters' new kredit kard is now available in prepaid amounts of $60 or $100.

The sisters want to teach youngin's all about responsible spending and the importance of establishing a kredit rating.  The low amount on the debit kards will keep you out of trouble.  Unless, of course, you spend all of the money on lube like the Kardashian sisters very likely do.