U.S. Asks Countries Outraged by NSA Spying to Patiently Please Take a Number

I always feel like somebody's watching me...

Washington, DC – As international outrage continues to grow over the United States’ NSA having cyber-spied on nations around the world, the Obama administration has issued a plea to those world leaders offended to please remain calm and then take a number to register their complaint on line.

Germany, Brazil, France, and now Spain have expressed outrage, in addition to probably 35 other countries most Americans have never heard of. But America is pretty darn sure they have residents who bow toward Mecca and/or wear attractive head scarves or just look a little brown-skinned, in general.*

A spokesperson for the National Security Agency told Unsolicited Drivel, “I was told to tell you we are very sorry that these countries, some them our allies, are so offended by our tactics to protect all things American, like freedom, from the terrorists. In fact, we are still apologizing to Germany’s President Angela Merkel for former President Bush’s terrorizing her with a shoulder rub with those brush clearin' paws of his during his term.  And we never anticipated the effects a Russian diet of just borscht and vodka would have on that whistleblower Edward Snowden. He's one hopped-up busy little bee now, ain't he? However, this surveillance is necessary to keep any terrorists from taking away Americans’ freedom to live in trailer parks, section 8 housing and homes heading toward foreclosure.  The 1% all have bomb shelters, so they are already taken care of if we pay attention to our intelligence. Anyway, in order to field all the complaints, we have decided to set up a new website where countries TAKING ISSUE WITH OUR VERY UNDERSTANDABLE 'TACTICS' can register to get a number for their complaint to be heard. No worries. Everyone’s concerns will be properly addressed in a timely manner. We hired the same web developer behind Heathcare.gov.”

*That explains Mexico.

I Don't Want Obama to See My Texted Liquor Store Shopping List

Disappointing, Barry. I'd like to know what the HUGE terrorist attack was they prevented but I'm sure that's classified :(

If Conservatives Could Edit the Second Amendment

(Via Matt Bors)

Urban Urchin on the Ricin Poison Scare in Washington

Limbaugh Citizenship to Be Revoked for Misinterpreting Beyonce Lyrics

Jerusalem - President Obama took time out of his busy schedule of making Israel’s President Benjamin Netanyahu seem less evil today to attend to a more pressing matter – revoking Rush Limbaugh’s citizenship over his Beyonce flub.

Because Limbaugh has been married four times and doesn’t have the first clue about how a woman’s mind works, he praised the R&B superstar for the lyrics in her new single “Bow Down / I Been On” thinking it meant she was either submissive to her husband Jay-Z, or would be submissive to him should she actually be in the same room with him ever in his lifetime which is about as likely as Limbaugh being hit by a meteor.  But unfortunately Limbaugh only listened to 15 seconds of the song, the same amount of time it takes him to climax, so he never got to the lyric about Beyonce being more than “his little wife.”

A spokesperson for Obama told Unsolicited Drivel, “The President had plenty of time to sneak in revoking Limbaugh’s citizenship because of the huge gaps of time he had in trying to gain the trust of the Israelis.  Beyonce is the equivalent of our Duchess Kate in this country so something had to be done to about his disrespectful remarks quickly.  So expect to see Rush’s name and the words ‘unlawful combatant’ come up in a memo soon.  Like half and hour ago!  At least Rush will enjoy the Cuban cigars at Gitmo!”

Sarah Palin to Screech at CPAC For Some Reason Again

I got my crib note all ready! You betcha!

Washington, DC – Former-half term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has been booked to speak (about what?) at this year's Conservative Political Action Conference again. 

Unsolicited Drivel received a copy of the press release from the conservative union making the announcement.



February 18, 2013 
Dick Hertz (202) 555-2345, wehateminorities@conservative.org 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE  
WASHINGTON, DC – The Conservative Union for Keeping America Armed and Conservative (CUKAAC) announced today that we were able to land Governor Sarah Palin like a mamma Grizzly bear we set a can of canned salmon out to attract this week and she will be speaking to represent our Americany views at the CPAC conference again this year March 13th - 16th!  For those of you have that been living underneath a rock somewhere (Afghanistan), Governor Palin was Senator John McCain’s GOP 2008 running mate* for Vice President, and was vetted for the job by just a de-worming and a trip to a beauty spa. She went on to help Senator McCain easily lose the presidential election by being a shrieking harpy with the attention span of a plate of Caribou jerky, but did so still looking very hot in $3,000 suits. Then Fox News hired her (temporarily) for some reason even though the head of the network felt she had all the intellect of a baby seal, but looked cute as a baby seal, so why the f*ck not sign her? Fortunately for us, Mrs. Palin still cleans up nicely and we were able to sign her on to speak just for Diet Dr. Pepper and bendy straws! And we can’t wait for her to remind Americans we still have white people here and Jesus was white too - not black as history dictates. We will continue to hire her while the Democrats are in the White House and/or until President Brownshirt Obama finally agrees to break off a piece of Alaska, which will be renamed 'Palinistan' just for Sarah's lovely God-fearing,  baby-makin' family.   And just to let you middle class people reading know, you'll need to pack a bag lunch to afford to eat in this fine town."

*Because Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's face scares babies.

Washington Avoids Fiscal Cliff Jumping (Sort of)

U.S. of A. - In the wee small hours of the morning last night, while most of America was on Twitter complaining what complete douche-nozzles they are, our nation’s lawmakers finally came to an agreement to avoid sending America over the Fiscal Cliff™, a term Congress hired a boutique branding ad agency to come up with to scare America on the taxpayers’ nickel.

As most Americans felt like they were mind-f*cked over this last minute deal (kind of like not knowing if Santa is going to bring you a shiny new fire-truck to become your own DIY first responder, or a bag of reindeer poop because even Santa doesn’t buy into the lie of clean coal) our lawmakers were able to make a deal just in time for them to go on vacation. Just like magic!  President Obama, flanked by Vice President Joe Biden, trying not to show off his awesome dentures, clearly explained the compromise while most people were watching the second showing of Chelsea Lately with the allegedly slutty talk show host threatening to bang whomever she was interviewing.

We checked in with our Unsolicited Drivel readers for reaction to the deal and here is what they told us…

So taxes are definitely going to increase for everyone.  The middle class (or upper middle class) whom I'm told still exist, may have to pay upwards of $837 more per year.  I put that kind of money up my nose in a single a day as DC madam.   But I also understand that taxes will increase significantly for people making over $400K and COUPLES making $450K.  Why does Congress think my totally emasculated spouse is only likely to make $50K per year?  If I added him to my stable to service closeted GOP Congressmen, he'd be in my tax bracket too if he wasn't a kept husband.

We can't tell you what a relief it is that Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security are safe for now, even though Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin campaigned most of the year on the promise of killing old people.  We don't even have an ice floe to be led out to sea on now as the GOP denies climate change.  Plus, it was bad enough for us personally back in the 60s when they took time out from counting their money to try and prevent our interracial marriage.

So they increased the Capital gains taxes?  Like I'd have anything to gain if I sold my shit-ass stock in Facebook?!?   I can't believe I purchased IPO stock from some idea-stealing dork who runs around the boardroom in a hoodie.  Now if I had purchased stock in whatever companies make Angry Birds or Call of Duty Black Ops II and wanted to unload it to start a meth lab....well, then I'd be really fucking pissed.

While I couldn't be more pleased for the hard-working Americans that got their unemployment insurance extended, I'm still really bummed.  See I took this picture to upload to my my business website back in 2010, but as I am in the "other 98%" I still haven't been able to become a job creator as I don't hire limo drivers or public relations people to do damage control.  Maybe I'll buy a pawn shop as white girls don't like to work as maids for my cleaning service and I never learned to speak Spanish.

Thank goodness they got that farm bill extended.  I am too self-involved to breast feed my daughter and do you know how much cash it takes to maintain this "natural" blonde hair?  No way I was going to pay $8 bucks for a gallon of milk.  But as the government will still do nothing to regulate the hormones in it and little Emma will likely get her period by age 8, maybe I'll invest in the pharmaceutical company that makes the morning after pill?  Even with the capital gains increase, if she grows up to be a slut like mommy, it will still be a win-win.

So, let me see if I understand this sweetie...they didn't f*ck with some things to benefit honest Americans, but they did still f*ck us on other things and as soon as they come up with a new catch phrase for the next fiscal crisis they will inflict on the American people, we will go through this all hype and hysteria again about impending doom as soon as they are sworn back into office as that is how they stay in office?  Yes, dear, I think that pretty much sums up how our government works these days.

No vote at ALL on disaster relief for Hurricane Sandy?  Fungool!  I'm just going to wait for my orders from Governors Christie and Cuomo before I gas up the Lincoln for my trip to DC.

Meghan McCain Threatening to Jump the Gated Community of the GOP Out of Crazyville

These old coots are insane...

Sedona, AZ - Champion and spokesperson for the handful of young Republicans who may be hip enough to think for themselves, Meghan McCain, has threatened to leave their utopia of Crazyville and jump the fence over to the Democratic party.  Or at least become a fake Republican ("Independent") like her hilarious "Uncle Joe" LIEberman.

For years now McCain has been blogging on the site The Daily Beast telling the elitist old white "job creators" that they must modernize their thinking and be more inclusive to their fellow Americans or they will never attract the young voters.  However, McCain did not realize that grumpy old rich guys, even if they could work a computer, would never read The Daily Beast.  They'd be reading The Weekly Standard.  Her bad.

We asked Ms. McCain about her frustration with the current state of the GOP and she told us, "Well, I should have known, you can't teach an old dog new tricks.  You know the basic doctrine of their generation: they hate minorities and they want their money.  I'm just surprised I wasn't able to attract more young voters to the GOP though.  I'm much hotter than Bristol Palin.  It took them twice as long to do her make-up on the campaign trail than mine.  And as far as my dad's attacks on proposed Secretary of State Susan Rice, it wasn't just because he thought she didn't know enough to try and expose Obama for allegedly covering up intelligence about the attacks on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya.  It's because he's so staunchly loyal to the party when he realized she wasn't Condoleeza Rice he just wanted her to get the Hell off of his old man lawn."

Red Cross to Mitt Romney: Cram Your Creamed Corn

U.S.of A. - While NJ Governor Chris Christie was pressing the flesh with President Obama (after he stopped causing the storm surge during hurricane Sandy by swimming), GOP Presidential hopeful and FEMA hater Mitt Romney was quickly devising a plan to save storm victims with a food drive…which kind of (allegedly) made the folks at  Red Cross want to choke on a corn dog.

An insider at the disaster relief organization anonymously told Unsolicited Drivel, "Uh, we know Mitt's never had to use our compassionate services as he can probably just ride out any storm in his car elevator, but we need financial donations to put the money exactly where it needs to go.  Be it maintaining shelters, feeding people too, but we decide where the money goes based upon urgent needs.  We accepted his truck full of peas and creamed corn just to be nice, but we wouldn't accept the horsehair blankets he had made out of Rafalca after he failed to medal in dressage in the London Olympics.  We love people as much as animals in our organization and in fact, ALL of Mr. Romney's ideas seem inhumane to us.  We don't need the magic Mormon underwear he offered for the victims either.  Perhaps Mr. Romney should not visit the hurricane victims today and just stay home, nice and warm, in one of his many, many houses and stick to handing out $100,000 bars to trick-or treaters tonight? That would be a nice change for him instead of handing out pink slips.  Thanks for letting me vent, U.D.  Dealing with these blowhard politicians after a natural disaster can be dealing like barnyard animals with their heads cut off!"

Honey Boo Boo Mistakes Dr. Drew For a Grandpappy and Promptly Fell Asleep

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hollywood - America's future pole dancer, TLC star Honey Boo Boo Child, appeared on Dr. Drew Peterson's HLN show last night and promptly fell asleep during his questions.

Mama June told Unsolicited Drivel, "Well, that Dr. Drew person seems like some kind of health nut 'cause we couldn't find no Go-Go juice at that Craft Services table.  You know how Honey relies on that to be wound tighter than a 2 dollar watch.  Anyways, she was tired to begin with and he just looked like some grandpappy she was worried would start boring her with stories about how hard it was when he was growing up with no money and walking through six-feet o' snow with no shoes to get to school an' all, when them are conditions we lived with every day before them nice, greedy folks at TLC turned her into America's sweetheart.  Hell, we was living on raccoons and crickets before Toddlers and Tiaras.  Besides, Honey Child's already done her duty for this country by endorsing that Obomber guy for President.  She ain't got nothing to say to Dr. Drew 'cause she's too little for Moonshine or Meth yet."

Yet ANOTHER Siri Parody (NSWF)

You know how I love them.

Rejected Fox News Headlines

Can't believe these didn't make it to air.

Via Tumblr

Rocker Ted Nugent Restricted to Hunting Own Head Lice (& Crabs)

Ketchikan - A District Court judge has ordered Ted Nugent to be restricted to hunting solely his own bodily varmints after he confessed to illegal black bear hunting.

The plea agreement states that the mouthy, right wing Motor City Madman illegally killed the black bear in 2009 (instead of killing the American public’s eardrums with his music) and as punishment he must now be limited to hunting his own head lice and not surprisingly - genital crabs.  And the judge also specified the use of a crossbow. 

Attorneys for Nugent didn’t return calls for comment.  However, one insider from the court proceeding told Unsolicited Drivel, “It was kind of embarrassing for Ted because he always advocates ethical hunting practices.  Of course, it wasn’t as embarrassing as when Ted opens his mouth to comment on President Obama.  Be that as it may, it was kind of a crazy sentence.  But there’s a rumor out there that it’s not as crazy as what the judge was initially considering – restricting Ted to only hunting with Dick Cheney.”

Obama Claims Credit for Kim Kardashian Divorce to Raise Approval Rating

Washington, DC – President Obama spoke out today and openly claimed credit for the breakdown of reality TV princess Kim Kardashian’s 1,728-hour marriage.

He stated before the stunned press, “You know I love the hoops.  That automatically makes me a fan of the New Jersey Nets' Kris Humphries.  I couldn’t stand idly by and let that young woman of questionable values take advantage of him purely for financial gain. And I watched her do it before I had Michele block that Kardashian TV show from Sasha and Malia’s Tivo. I don’t currently have a public enemy number one to hunt for America for security purposes, so I had to improvise.  It’s what a true leader does – thinks on his feet.  I just wanted to remind the American people that even though we haven’t seen any economic growth and our youth are flocking to occupy our cities in droves that I’m still here and I’m working for you.  That’s why I sent an executive order to Ms. Kardashian demanding she file for divorce from Mr. Humphries.   Folks seem to forget about my efforts lately, as there hasn’t been a recent opportunity for me to very publicly verbally bitch-slap Congress for putting the American people’s needs behind their greed.  So, I decided to settle for the next best thing - their reality TV counterpart.”