Jodie Foster Comes Out to Absolutely No One At Golden Globe Awards

Surprise! Not.

Los Angeles – It’s not likely because the champagne was flowing, but usually secretive actress Jodie Foster confirmed she was a gay publicly for some reason at the Golden Globe Awards last night to an unsurprised audience.  Even for folks watching in Idaho.  Where she mentioned having friends and where we didn’t know they let lesbians across the border... not even to go skiing. We were pretty much convinced lesbians were only allowed in that neck of the woods in Utah, and only if Robert Redford was in town for the Sundance film festival.

Be that as it may, Foster was receiving the Cecil B. De Mille Lifetime Achievement Award but instead chose to deliver an acceptance speech for the Anderson Cooper-Long-Overdue-Explanation-of-the-Obvious-Award.  Most of the audience was also aware that she was 50 years old but she made mention of this even though we saw her butt as a baby when her parents chose to exploit it to the sun's harsh rays half a century ago. Yet this proclamation, while no surprise, was still preferable to watching any awards acceptance speeches for "Les Miserables."

We asked one Hollywood insider at the Vanity Fair After Awards Party™ for comment regarding the non-surprise announcement who told us, “Jodie is extremely gifted and would still have her fans even if she was humping a German Shepherd.... in public and even if it came from a puppy mill. I'm not sure anyone even cares if she's ever had sex at all even though she has two children whose existence she won't explain.  However, I think the general public would be more interested in knowing how with acting from age 3, she didn’t grow up to be like fellow child star Lindsay Lohan who is expected to be choking on her own vomit as soon as next year.  But even more importantly, I think the general public would have been much more interested in knowing why her long-time pal Mel Gibson seems less scary to her than the serial killer nemesis in ‘Silence of the Lambs,’ Hannibal Lector.”  And Mel's not even fictional.

Failed Reagan Shooter John Hinckley Jr. Insists He’s No Threat to Any Politicians Today

Washington, DC – Lawyers for the man who tried to assassinate then president Ronald Reagan back in 1981, John Hinckley Jr., are insisting that he can now be released from the mental hospital and also add that he is “no threat whatsoever” to anybody that even remotely resembles a politician.

A source close to Hinckley’s family in Virginia told Unsolicited Drivel, “Yes, John’s requesting more time to leave the psychiatric hospital to spend with his 85-year old mom.  His lawyers have proven he’s able to function by holding down a job, and he’s learned at life.  But quite frankly, were John to be released permanently, we wouldn’t fear a repeat incident of him trying to shoot any politicians. John was never a politically minded person to begin with.  Had he known Reagan was going to send the U.S. economy down the path to ruin for years to come and raise more taxes than any peacetime President, that might have changed.  Reagan’s own party would have assassinated him had they known that. Like I said, John is still not political and with the current batch of GOP candidates running, CLEARLY, they are not politically minded either.  In fact, didn’t Mitt Romney’s staff just announce he wasn’t Governor of Massachussetts after all and that it was just a computer glitch?  And as far as the Democrats are concerned, even Hollywood’s stop taking their calls.  John just heard that his mom finally was thinking of buying him that iPad for Christmas this year.  And now with the advent of Facebook, he really believes might get to finally get poke Jodie Foster.”

Jodie Foster’s Fans Fear She Must Be Deathly Ill

Austin, TX – Director and actress Jodie Foster has been speaking candidly with the press this week and insisting that she will love pal Mel Gibson until they day she dies, leaving droves of her fans to believe that she must be seriously ill.

Premiering her new movie starring Gibson "The Beaver," she told the press, "He is the most loved actor I have ever worked with on a movie. And he's not saintly, and he's got a big mouth. But I knew the minute I met him that I would love him the rest of my life."

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with one of Foster’s biggest fans at the South by Southwest Film Festival where Jodie was screening the long-delayed Gibson picture.  The extremely concerned young man told us, “These comments are very distressing indeed.  I mean at first we were worried for Jodie’s sanity when we heard her new move was called ‘The Beaver.’  Insert closeted-lesbian joke here.  Not a surprise that Gibson is the star as they are old friends, but of all of the animals she could have chosen?  And now, after his incredibly hateful, misogynistic and racist comments she says she will love him for the rest of her life?  Really?? Our fan club can only conclude that Jodie must be deathly ill with only months to live, and now we haven’t been able to enjoy the film festival at all.  Yes, that’s got to be the explanation.   Either she’s dying and will be rid of Mel and his antics soon enough, or her being previously cast in the movie ‘The Brave One’ will truly be a very ironic case of art imitating life.  We’re still waiting to hear about which scenario is which, but are praying our Clarice's complete recovery either way!”