Jodie Foster Comes Out to Absolutely No One At Golden Globe Awards

Surprise! Not.

Los Angeles – It’s not likely because the champagne was flowing, but usually secretive actress Jodie Foster confirmed she was a gay publicly for some reason at the Golden Globe Awards last night to an unsurprised audience.  Even for folks watching in Idaho.  Where she mentioned having friends and where we didn’t know they let lesbians across the border... not even to go skiing. We were pretty much convinced lesbians were only allowed in that neck of the woods in Utah, and only if Robert Redford was in town for the Sundance film festival.

Be that as it may, Foster was receiving the Cecil B. De Mille Lifetime Achievement Award but instead chose to deliver an acceptance speech for the Anderson Cooper-Long-Overdue-Explanation-of-the-Obvious-Award.  Most of the audience was also aware that she was 50 years old but she made mention of this even though we saw her butt as a baby when her parents chose to exploit it to the sun's harsh rays half a century ago. Yet this proclamation, while no surprise, was still preferable to watching any awards acceptance speeches for "Les Miserables."

We asked one Hollywood insider at the Vanity Fair After Awards Party™ for comment regarding the non-surprise announcement who told us, “Jodie is extremely gifted and would still have her fans even if she was humping a German Shepherd.... in public and even if it came from a puppy mill. I'm not sure anyone even cares if she's ever had sex at all even though she has two children whose existence she won't explain.  However, I think the general public would be more interested in knowing how with acting from age 3, she didn’t grow up to be like fellow child star Lindsay Lohan who is expected to be choking on her own vomit as soon as next year.  But even more importantly, I think the general public would have been much more interested in knowing why her long-time pal Mel Gibson seems less scary to her than the serial killer nemesis in ‘Silence of the Lambs,’ Hannibal Lector.”  And Mel's not even fictional.

This Week in Lying Tabloids:

I heard the founder of the site Gossip Cop on the radio and the interview reminded me that the tabloids that print fake celebrity gossip every week are SOMEHOW able to stay in business.  I guess celebrities are either less litigious these days, or maybe it's because they can debunk the claims so quickly for their fans via their Twitter feeds.  Anyway, it reminded me of this tabloid below which is still one of my favorites.

Is The Hangover 3 Already Developing?

Hollywood – Response to the Memorial Day opening of The Hangover Part Two was so overwhelming, with nearly $200 million in box office ticket sales worldwide, that it’s believed that a sequel to the sequel is already in the works!

Despite at least 66 national critics giving it a big “thumbs down” and citing it as “the same exact movie, only now it's positively revolting” and further complaining they “wouldn’t even use the DVD once it’s released as a coaster for their martini,” audiences lapped up another installment of the hi-jinks of the over-imbibing “Wolf Pack."

An insider at the studio responsible for releasing the cinematic retread told us, “It’s true, we are already tossing out ideas for a third installment! You may have heard rumblings about setting it Amsterdam, but that’s not what we are thinking, as the group wouldn’t be very rowdy smoking hash and then falling asleep half an hour later. I think we’re leaning toward the Australian Outback. We could have Zack Galifianakis’ Alan be getting married to a gal who’s kind of like a female crocodile hunter/super model type character. Oh, and we can have Ed Helm’s Stu perform some sort of dental procedure one of her live crocs. The baby will be back, only a different baby, but that way we can make plenty of ‘a dingo ate my baby’ clichéd jokes. We haven’t decided what to do with Phil and Doug yet, but if we set it down under, we’re hoping we can get Mel Gibson back on board for a cameo. We felt really bad after axing him from the second film and he needs a comeback vehicle. Maybe he could play a version of his Mad Max character, only be a crazy guy who just thinks he’s Mad Max?  Crazy wouldn’t be a stretch for Mel. We could probably film him in just one take. Hey, that would probably save enough money to hire writers to come up with an original script next time around. How cool would that be?!?”

Jodie Foster’s Fans Fear She Must Be Deathly Ill

Austin, TX – Director and actress Jodie Foster has been speaking candidly with the press this week and insisting that she will love pal Mel Gibson until they day she dies, leaving droves of her fans to believe that she must be seriously ill.

Premiering her new movie starring Gibson "The Beaver," she told the press, "He is the most loved actor I have ever worked with on a movie. And he's not saintly, and he's got a big mouth. But I knew the minute I met him that I would love him the rest of my life."

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with one of Foster’s biggest fans at the South by Southwest Film Festival where Jodie was screening the long-delayed Gibson picture.  The extremely concerned young man told us, “These comments are very distressing indeed.  I mean at first we were worried for Jodie’s sanity when we heard her new move was called ‘The Beaver.’  Insert closeted-lesbian joke here.  Not a surprise that Gibson is the star as they are old friends, but of all of the animals she could have chosen?  And now, after his incredibly hateful, misogynistic and racist comments she says she will love him for the rest of her life?  Really?? Our fan club can only conclude that Jodie must be deathly ill with only months to live, and now we haven’t been able to enjoy the film festival at all.  Yes, that’s got to be the explanation.   Either she’s dying and will be rid of Mel and his antics soon enough, or her being previously cast in the movie ‘The Brave One’ will truly be a very ironic case of art imitating life.  We’re still waiting to hear about which scenario is which, but are praying our Clarice's complete recovery either way!”

Republicans Gone Wild: Most Shocking Budget Cuts Edition!!

Washington, DC – Voters outside of Wisconsin, who haven’t felt the sting of buyer’s remorse yet after casting a ballot for an out and out class war last November, might not be paying close attention to the GOP’s not so secret “hit list” in their $60 billion spending cut proposal. 

Shortly before the Republicans begin their own version of “March Madness” with another veiled threat of a government shutdown looming, we bring you their greatest proposed fiscal hits.  The Democratic majority in the Senate voted down their diabolical plans, but here is where they proposed to cut Americans to the quick:

1) Natural Disaster Warnings
The GOP budget bill would strip the National Weather Service, the agency responsible for warning America about tornadoes, hurricanes, blizzards, fires, floods, Charlie Sheen appearances and even Tsunamis, of $126 million and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the folks who could have warned Japan about the 8.9 magnitude earthquake if the Japanese were lucky enough to be Americans, of $454.30 million.    We can only guess that the Republicans were relying on the fact that most Americans are pet lovers, and we would likely suspect something was strange about the weather when our dogs and cats started climbing up onto our rooftops or burrowing under the foundation of our homes.  Provided we had homes.  Americans living in the wealthiest zip codes could still rely on receiving a text message warning from FEMA.

2) Emergency Oil Reserves? What Emergency Oil Reserves?
It seems to be an unwritten rule that the crazier the dictator, the more precious natural resources the country he is terrorizing under his rule is in possession of - which their citizenry never reap the financial rewards for.  But we Americans can buy them!  However, as uprisings are likely to happen in oil rich nations as oppression gets pretty f’in old after a while, the United States keeps a Strategic Petroleum Reserve for emergencies so we can still drive ten yards for a McNugget.  The GOP budget plan was to cut $120.2 million from this oil supply, virtually guaranteeing an opportunity for gas prices to rise so high that Americans would have to choose between a gallon of gas and a gallon of milk at some point in the very near future.   Of course, if you are wealthy enough to hire a homeless person to transport you in a rickshaw (via Kramerica Industries), affordable gasoline is not a necessity.

3) No Fighting for Our Firefighter Heroes
Where's the fire? The Republicans planned to break the glass, pull out the ax and slash $510 million of the Federal Emergency Management Agency's grants for firefighters.  Very likely, some of the savings may have been reallocated to the people at FEMA who would be sending the text messages to the rich, entitled bastards about the coming Rapture (See: Budget cut #1) in lieu of national natural disaster warnings.

4) Emergency Responders Would Be Unable to Respond
To each other that is.  Mr. Counterterrorism Official sees a guy that would scare the crap out of Juan Williams leaving a smoking SUV in Times Square.  What is he to do?!?  Well, if Republicans had their way, he wouldn’t be able to warn the masses or request back-up via cell phone, as they planned for The Law Enforcement Wireless Communications Department to be relegated to using two Starbucks cups and a string via a $70 million budget cut.  Oops, terrorists just took out an entire Broadway theater!  Or, was that just the new special effects team on “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark?”  It would be hard for a first responder to tell the difference without wireless access to help gather info.

5) Bring Back the Banking Blinders
The GOP plans would once again turn a blind eye to banking blunders by cutting $56.8 billion from the Commodity Futures Trading Commission.  It is believed that lack of oversight caused the current financial meltdown which began (under Bush) in 2008.  President Obama wanted to increase funding to ensure non-predatory banking practices.  Under the GOP plan, even an amoeba could get a $750k mortgage provided it could show two forms of I.D. to the bank.

6) Less Time for Doing the Financial Crime
Republicans would cut $2.1 million from the crimes enforcement network at the Treasury Department.  That would translate to allowing hucksters like Bernie Madoff to come over to your house and have sex with your rare coin collection on your own bed, and then only receive a slap on the Rolex as punishment.

7) Just Put a Little Raw Meat On That Shiner Ladies
Are you a poor woman caught in an abusive relationship and can’t afford legal aid?  Sorry ladies, but $70 million dollars towards your freedom from abuse via legal protection would be gone if the GOP had their way.  So, just put a little raw meat on your black eye.  Can’t afford meat?  How about that meat-like stuff at the Taco Bell? This evil cut on the GOP’s part would have been a truly crushing step backwards to victims of domestic abuse, particularly as not every gal has low enough self-esteem to bang a moneybags like Mel Gibson.

8) Building a Nation of “Bristol the Pistols”
When it comes to showing compassion for their fellow humans, nothing makes a Republican get the warm fuzzies more than pining over an unborn fetus.  You betcha! That being said, the GOP proposed to cut $110 million from our communities for teen pregnancy prevention.  A nation of knocked up, unwed Palin-mommy wannabes - whoo, hoo!  It doesn’t get more backwards than that!

9) You Want Fries With That?
Sure the GOP can create jobs for limo drivers and caddies, but can they create other, non-service-related jobs for our kids?  The answer would be “No.”  Not while stripping the Department of Labor’s job core of $300 million in funding. Although the GOP may take partial credit for our kids ending up working behind the microphone at fast food restaurants, as they have about as much intention of reducing poverty as revealing their real tax returns, so they will be sending droves of Americans to the Diabetes Drive-thru.  However, as the GOP will not be eating at the restaurants themselves as the burgers are not made of prime Texas beef,  they can’t take TOTAL credit for fast food job creation.

10) Killing Them Baby Foreigners
Republicans are still under the assumption that “The Tourist” was big box office and Angelina Jolie can still afford to adopt every foreign kid in need.  Therefore, they proposed to cut $783.5 million from the USAID's Child Survival and Health Grants Program that works to fight against life threatening poverty.  They also made the argument that the tabloids are often right more often than wrong and that Jennifer Aniston was indeed in the foreign baby market, so what's the big deal?

So!  After examining these near catastrophes,  hopefully we can learn from our mistakes in the voting booth for next time.  Thankfully, these measures didn’t make it through the Senate, but the GOP goals are clearly to cut or regulate whatever they can.  So much for their disdain of “big government.”  Just be thankful I left out the part about them wanting to torture puppies in this article!

Safeguard Yourself From Unhinged Celebrities

It's important to take precautions in avoiding obscenely overpaid egomaniacs losing their grips on reality to maintain one's own sanity.  Some celebrities are more of a danger than others.  Find out the level of their threat with our handy chart:

"Hangover 2" Hypocrisy

Los Angeles - Almost as soon as was it announced that Mel Gibson was going to be playing a role in the movie "The Hangover 2," he was dismissed from the project.  Liam Neeson has since replaced him, but it was believed that the entire cast and crew could not agree on Gibson joining them.  Now rumors are surfacing that it may have been a case of break-out star Zach Galifianakis PMS-ing all over the notion of sharing celluloid with Mel.

While some of us here at Unsolicited Drivel have never been a fan of Mel and would rather watch Liam Neeson read the Yellow Pages than watch Mr. Gibson's crazy eyes emote, we are NO FANS of hypocrisy, either!  The "librium teddy bear," boxer Mike Tyson, convicted rapist, was cast in the the first film.  WTF, Hangover guys?!?  As you will note in the chart below, Tyson and Gibson are not all that different, so we have to believe with that being said, Mel got the bum's rush.

Mel Gibson “Hangover 2” Role Explained

NEW YORK — Reports have surfaced that embattled mega-star Mel Gibson will be appearing in "The Hangover 2" in an effort to resuscitate his movie career.  The New York Post (owned by people who make shit up and call it news) reported that an “anonymous source” confirmed the cameo role in the sequel to the smash-hit movie.

Unsolicited Drivel spoke with our own “anonymous source” about Gibson’s movie comeback and he told us, “You’ve probably heard that Mel was only doing a cameo, a la Tom Cruise in ‘Tropic Thunder,’ but that’s actually not true.  In fact, he has the TITLE role!  Mel will be playing an actual hangover, like a separate entity to the guys who helps them question their judgment.  I smell Oscar bait! He’ll appear as a floating head, kind of like Jambi the Genie, but his face will be tinged in green.  It may be the only green Mel gets to see once Oskana’s 49th lawyer gets through with him.”

"The Hangover 2" picks up where the last film left off with the guys on a trip to Southeast Asia for a wedding. The first "Hangover" grossed $462 million worldwide at the box office and could have single handedly saved fading starlet Lindsay Lohan’s career, if only she hadn’t been too hungover to answer her agent’s call about the stripper role that ultimately went to Heather Graham.

Gibson Tirades Just A Hoax?!?

Hollyweird – Just yesterday filmmaker Casey Affleck admitted that his documentary of eccentric actor Joaquin Phoenix was not for real, and now another famous filmmaker may be following his tricky lead – Mel Gibson.

Hollywood insiders told Unsolicited Drivel that very soon Gibson will be making an announcement (probably on Letterman) that the last three months, in which tirade after racist/sexist tirade the actor engaged in were gradually exposed, we all part of a “mockumentary” he was filming.  The movie, tentatively titled “I’m Not All Here,” chronicles staged feuds the actor had with baby mama Oksana Grigorieva.  A source close the actor/director told us, “He never meant to trick anybody.  He just wanted to implode his own career in character this time around so he could control the profits.”

The L.A. Sheriff’s Department would not comment on this rumor, and there’s still no word on whether or not anyone was sexually harassed during the making of the film (like they allegedly were on Affleck’s), but we’re guessing it’s probably a safe bet.