Exciting New Magazine for Media Whores!

Has America Finally Tired of Kate Gosselin's Bitch Face?

Not here for advice?  No problem!

Cyberspace - America's never sweetheart, the original octomom, Kate Gosselin, has been FIRED from her job at CouponCabin.com for not being a team player.
Gosselin, star of the thankfully cancelled TLC's  Kate Plus 8 (and the ex-husband I f*ckin' hate), had been accused of being…(are you sitting down?)…a DIVA!

An insider at the website told us, "Kate would pen columns that we not up to par to say the least and really were of no interest to the obsessive compulsive audience and/or those whose lives have been ruined by the GOP that we were trying to reach for our coupon community.  Don't get me wrong, I do think Kate is obsessive…but only when it comes to herself.  Her articles were more about how to get free stuff without having any discernible talent other than being a complete and total harpy.  Plus, once they recast Bristol Palin instead of her on the Dancing with the All Stars All Stars, Kate became insufferable to be around even though she danced like she was handy-capable during her stint on that show.  In any case we at CouponCabin.com wish her all the best in her next venture.  Perhaps someone will develop a new website, I don't know...maybe something like HowtoBangYourBodyGuardYouNeedBecauseYouAreSuchAnAssole.com, and she can write an advice column and find a good fit."

What Should Be Kate Gosselin’s Next Reality TV Show?

TLC’s Kate Plus 8 series concluded this week with it’s highest ratings of the season, but it’s star, Kate Gosselin, is making the rounds telling the media she’s now out of work and filled with worry about supporting her brood.  

Despite the fact that ex-husband Jon has told her via an interview on a C-list entertainment show, “reality TV is NOT a career,” Kate still believes that her future lies on the small screen - not scaring people into getting well like she used to do as a nurse.   

We know that Kate can’t dance from her awkward stint on Dancing With the Stars, so what should her next show be?  We have some suggestions:

Survivor: Dating Kate – It became clear with the Gosselin’s divorce playing out before an audience week after week that Kate might be a bit of a challenge to have a relationship with.  In this combination of The Bachelorette and Survivor, confident male contestants could sign on for a modern day version of The Taming of the Shrew.  The winner of the competition will be whichever one of Kate’s gentlemen callers that avoids being diagnosed by Dr. Phil with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

So You Think You Can Procreate? – Kate and Octomom Nadia Suleman will serve as the judges for this show about women obsessed with creating multiple in vitro wonder spawn with the hope of having their very own reality shows.  The winner will not be determined based upon the number of babies born, but by how out of touch with reality the mother is if she thinks having multiple babies will solve her problems and also how soon she’ll become a burden on society. 

The Simple Life: Berks County – An update on the previous fish out of water concept reality show, this Simple Life will feature Kate and her kids returning to their roots as a Pennsylvania suburban family after being pampered by having a big budget reality show for years.  Look for high drama when Kate is forced to sell her 2-seater Audi sports car to pay for a minivan she can fill with Hot Pockets and macaroni and cheese.

“Kate Plus 8” Canceled!

Americans who absolutely thought that not a single, solitary thing that was good was going to happen this year were stunned today when the TLC network announced it would be canceling the reality show Kate Plus 8.

The show, which followed the perils of marrying a complete douche and also in vitro fertilization, has steadily lost viewers since the divorce of Kate and husband Jon, but not because a crazed gunman held the entire Discovery Network hostage due to his belief that their substandard programming was signalizing the decline of polite civilization.  

A spokesperson for the network told Unsolicited Drivel, “The kids were getting to that ‘in between’ age where they were not going to be cute for much longer.  It’s possible that dependant upon the amount of vacant stares at our production meetings that we might bring the show back once they are past the tween years and have the potential for an intervention and/or ending up in rehab.  However, the primary reason we canceled the show now is because Kate has made her intentions to start dating again very clear to the media.   But the network executives fear her chances of matching the level of nut-crushing shrew heights she reached with Jon on camera again are slim to none as plastic surgeries and hair extensions aside, she hasn’t been able to even get a single dude who's not on the payroll to even look at her sideways.  If she decides to switch teams and date chicks though, our door will be wide open again.  And if she dates a trannie, we'll give her her own network."

An Uncertain Fate for Kate?

While most viewers probably weren’t paying attention last night*, TLC debuted yet another season of “Kate Plus 8,” hoping the action-packed episode would add some life support to the Gosselin family franchise.

TLC, the channel that brings viewers gross and bizarre stuff we never knew we ever would want to watch, continues to have faith in Kate, but it’s unlikely the show will ever pull in the ratings it used to and Kate has told pals that she fears she may need to someday “get a real job.”

A source at Discovery/TLC told Unsolicited Drivel, “They’re pulling out all the stops for sure.  I don’t know if you saw the Australia episode last night, but we probably should have had Kate wrestle a Great White Shark to pull in the kind of numbers that TLC had hoped for.  In the beginning the Gosselins were a curiosity for viewers and Kate in particular, with her insistence on building a child army against Mother Nature's wishes to someday revolt against Jon, and with her hairstyle that looked like a shaved rabbit butt.   Now with $8 thousand dollar hair extensions, no Jon to kick around and her taking the kids on expensive vacations, she's not someone Middle America can relate to in a recession.  She better hope the show can stay afloat.  I mean, what kind of job would Kate get now anyway?  Is she going to go back to being a delivery nurse?  She'd scare babies right back into the womb.   Those kids are only going to be cute for about 5 more minutes too.  Once they’re tweens, nobody’s going to want to watch them.  But I bet TLC might be able to get a big audience for them again if they develop a reality show that revolves entirely around the Gosselins playing dodge ball with the Palins.”


*They were too busy watching Kirstie Alley fall on her ass.

Kate Gosselin Shows off Non-Bangin’ Bikini Bod!

Giving birth to 2 litters = eight little publicity stunts didn’t stop Kate Gosselin from reaching her goal to reclaim her bikini body and it’s time to show it off! 

Kate appears on the cover of the next Petty Weekly to let her fans know she is "the most fit I've ever been."  The reality TV mom admits that now that her children are in school and are somebody else’s problem, she has much more time to exercise than she did previously.  "I've worked my tight ass off! Haven't I earned the right, at this point, to look good?" she says.   She said that all she’s done is eat healthier and has been running (away from paparazzi).

The newly single mom insists she’s not dating anyone (her bodyguard) and says she’s still looking for Mr. Right.   Unfortunately, as one sex therapist told Unsolicited Drivel, it could take a while.  He said, “I think Kate is going to be waiting a LONG time to meet for the right guy for her.  Unless she is willing to legally change her name.  We have found that with our subjects we studied, just hearing Kate’s name causes the kind of, well, shrinkage for men that they had only previously experienced by bathing in icy cold mountain spring water.”