Entertainment Industry Stymied Over Lohan Interview; May Create Award for Best Fake Performance

Hollyweird - Viewers were stunned last night when fading starlet Lindsay Lohan gave her best performance since "Herbie Fully Loaded*" (without allegedly being loaded) while being interviewed by media queen and part-time racial hatred victim (via being deprived of a  $38k handbag), Oprah Winfrey. People were so impressed by Lohan's frankness, particularly her refusal to wear a bra, that the interwebs were buzzing all day!

One industry insider told Unsolicitied Drivel, "That interview was masterful. It almost made the memory of watching Lindsay in Liz and Dick seem like just a bad booze hangover. A Southern Comfort or Tequila hangover mind you, but it's less painful now.  I still am not clear why she hasn't lanced her parents out of her life like the boils on the butts of humanity they are, but she still defended herself splendidly. And she actually made me believe she only 'tried' coke maybe 10-15 times even though everybody KNOWS coke totally works on the very first try! Even if you have the PERSONALITY of a garden slug it will make you believe you are Dorothy Parker or Oscar Wilde!! I'm so sorry the Emmy awards nominations have already been announced because I feel they should create a special category just for Lindsay; Best Interview Performance by a Grifter Masquerading as an Actress.  In fact, I think she could make it a full time gig. That being said, do you have Katie Couric's number? Now that she and Kim Kardashian are on the outs, an interview with Katie, especially if Katie slams her afterwards, could qualify Lindsay for the creation of this new 'Grifter' Emmy awards category next time around! Better get Ellen DeGeneres to host the Emmys though. She never calls any celebrity on their bullshit."

*Well, technically that was her last "hit" that didn't involve a car...crashing into a 18-wheeler.

When Are Kimye Going to Name That Baby Girl?

I got ticked the other day because Yahoo! News referred to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's daughter as "America's Royal Baby." When I criticized their assessment, some Yahoo user knuckle-dragger insisted I must have an ugly face. Of course. I look like the f*cking Elephant man because I don't like reality TV/media whores. The people on Yahoo! that comment are the dumbest of the dumb. I'm not even sure they have all of their chromosomes. If you are really bored a fun activity is to go on Yahoo! Answers and see the ridiculous questions and advice they give each other about pregnancy, STDs, other important life issues like that. Oh, and how boogers should look. Careful not to spit your drink out on your keyboard.  Anyway, here are some fun suggestions from a user on Tumblr:

Exciting New Magazine for Media Whores!

Kanye West “Accidentally” Leaks “Kimye” Baby Name!

Yes, dear.

Los Angeles –  Never famous for keeping his yap shut, Kanye West has accidentally leaked the name of his little bastard he’s having with socialite/media whore Kim Kardashian – North.  North West.

A pal of the irascible rapper told Unsolicited Drivel, “Is that totally cool or what yo?  Obviously he couldn’t go with South West. That would be racist!  Plus, I think there's an airline named that or something.  They'd probably totally sue Kanye!  I bet a college grad snobby bitch like you thought he picked it because of that famous Hitchcock movie North By Northwest? But the only ‘Hitch’ Kanye knows is that piece of crap Will Smith film.  He don't care about some master of suspense dude in film y'all. He ain't never going to be invited to no Oscar ceremony. Kim is totally okay with the name but we’re told her mom Kris is not pleased.  No ma'am. She’s threatening to file for full legal custody and change the little brother’s name to Knorth

First Look at Kim Kardashian & Kanye West's Sonogram!

You saw baby Kimye here first!

Jenners Continue to Not Deny Impending Divorce

Happily Never After?

Brentwood, CA -  Keeping Up With The Kardashians stars Bruce and Kris Jenner continue to remain silent about rumors of their inevitable divorce despite the fact that every couple who has ever appeared on a reality TV show has inevitably divorced, dating all the way back to the Louds on the the original reality TV series An American Family in the 70s.  Yes, EVERY couple.  Google it.

Self-proclaimed expert on evweything, Barbara Walters, believes the rumor about trouble in paradise for the stage mom on steroids and the former Olympic great are twue, because of the couple's silence on the subject.

We at Unsolicited Drivel have brainwashed ourselves into believing anything Barbara says because she was the first female broadcaster to demand equal pay for equal work.  Be that as it may, we needed to get the inside scoop for ourselves.  A so-called "family friend" of the K. Klan told us:

"Well, it's not like Bruce is uncomfortable being under the spotlight.  He's been in the spotlight for some time and not just on a plastic surgeon's table.  And Kris has finally stopped bragging to him about how she used to bang O.J. Simpson when she was pretending to befriend Nicole.  No need to verbalize it, there's a sex tape.  Kato Kaelin filmed it in exchange for a Big Mac.  I think Bruce is just tired of being Kris' man servant.  Speaking of sex tapes, I heard he had to function as 'Best Boy' in the production of Kim's.  Some of the other unpleasantness he's been subjected to include waxing Khole's back hair, bitch-slapping Kourtney's baby daddy that entitled little prick Scott Disick when he gets too smug and he also had to sign an agreement to sell Kendall and Kylie into white slavery should their reality show ever be cancelled.  So my guess is it's time for Bruce to lawyer up!"

NBC to Host Telethon to Maybe Aid Hurricane Sandy Victims

We're so compassionate!?!

New York - NBC Universal is planning to host a telethon as soon as they can pull a production staff together and try and lure stars like Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, you know, the usual suspects….to help raise money to aid the victims of Hurricane Sandy.

The program, which they will not share with other networks (because of advertising revenue) is tentatively titled "Coming Together" and will not feature Beatles music because they are British dudes and also due to NBC's shitty programming over the years, they could never afford the music rights anyway.

An intern at the peacock network, who asked not to be named, told Unsolicited Drivel, "It's hopefully going to be a star-studded show and at least, unlike with Hurricane Katrina, we won't have any fear of Kanye West stomping up on the stage and proclaiming 'President Obama hates black people!' I cannot guarantee that will mean there will be no Kardashians on the broadcast.  Sorry.  You have no idea how sorry I am about that.  I can tell you the show will be hosted by Matt Lauer…which kind of leaves me scratching my head.  I mean if they wanted to do a show about victims, why didn't they just hire Ann Curry to host it?"

Huffington Post Agrees to Continue to Set Civilized World Backwards With Kardahsian Koverage

Krack attack!

New York, and now trashing up other countries' media too - The Huffington Post founder, Arianna Huffington, confirmed for us today that she promises to send the civilized world backwards by continuing to feature non-stories about the Kardashian family.

She told U.D., "I know evereeeone thinks I am some left ving politico, but I've really become obsessed with, how you say, being zee media whore.  I promise I vill still post about Obama and the Mitt Romney erection, but I get many more hits for my vebsite, vich I still don't pay most of the writers on by zee vay, when I continue to post pictures of zee Kardashians' ass-ets?  Get it?  Ven Kim's ass gets it own Tvitter account, I probably von't even have to get out of bed in zee morning as I can just trust my staff, or svaves as I sometimes refer to them, to post Tvitt pictures of zat fat ass all day long!  I can hardly vait.  I'm much older than I look because it's very tiring aggregating everybody's material dahlink!"

Kardashian Kitten to Demand Emancipation

Los Angeles, Miami, New York, or whatever town they are currently infecting – Mercy Kardashian, the newest addition to the media whore clan, and kitten, is rumored to be hiring a lawyer to seek emancipation. 

The folks on Internet blogs have all been buzzing about whenever Kim K. posts a picture with her (pretending to love something other than herself), or the kitten with any other member of her furry family, the cat looks downright miserable.

We at Unsolicited Drivel have our own cat ranch with happy emotionally stable cats.  We sent our cat Giacomo (because he’s a hottie and Mercy’s a girl) out to interview her.  And here is what she told him:

“You know what my name is derived from?   Kim’s chant she continually repeats to herself, ‘Mercy, mercy, me!  I can’t believe I convinced the American public I have any talent other than being covered with pee!’  The little kid Mason is okay, but those other self-involved biotches are a bit much to stomach.  Especially as they only feed me caviar.  Bruce Jenner’s face also scares the fleas right off me.  Plus, I get tired of getting hot bikini wax dripped on my gorgeous fur.  And Kanye West is freaking irritating.  Every time I meow, he interrupts me and says, ‘Imma let you finish, but you ain’t the finest pussy in this K-klan!’  So I’ve hired a lawyer to gain my freedom.  That chick that represents Lohan.  She can rescue a miserable creature from anything!”

Giacomo also offered for her to come to live at the U.D. cat ranch as soon as Lohan’s lawyer wins her case and under the condition that Mercy would agree to change her name.  She said she would definitely consider it.

"I'm too sexy for myself" - Giacomo

UPDATE: R.I.P Mercy.  The poor kitten allegedly suffered from a "virus" and went to a MUCH better place. Kim had already tossed her aside claiming she was "allergic" to her, yet Kim doesn't sneeze uncontrollably at the smell of her shit-ass perfumes.

This Week in Lying Tabloids: Randy Travis

Was he really working on a new album?

This Week in Lying Tabloids:

I heard the founder of the site Gossip Cop on the radio and the interview reminded me that the tabloids that print fake celebrity gossip every week are SOMEHOW able to stay in business.  I guess celebrities are either less litigious these days, or maybe it's because they can debunk the claims so quickly for their fans via their Twitter feeds.  Anyway, it reminded me of this tabloid below which is still one of my favorites.

Van Susteren Opens Up About Lohan “Nerd Prom” Invite

Washington, DC – Fox News pundit Greta Van Susteren has been a source of criticism for inviting not one, but two tabloid darlings to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner (aka the Nerd Prom) over the weekend.  Both Kim Kardashian’s ass and Lindsay Lohan’s side boob joined Greta for the evening of lukewarm comedy stylings and self-congratulation for the formerly investigative media. 

As there is no escaping the Kardashians (much like death and taxes), their presence in Washington Saturday night was self-explanatory, but many people still wondered why Van Susteren would invite fading starlet Lohan to the actual star-studded event.

An insider at Fox News cleared up the mystery of Lohan’s presence telling us, “Greta doesn’t laugh much at these events.  Not because the jokes aren’t funny because they are always written by liberals, but because she can’t move her face.  She got tired of being the only stone-faced person at her table, so she needed somebody as jacked up on botox as she was.  After seeing Lindsay’s non-emoting face on the recent episode of Saturday Night Live, she became an obvious choice for an invite. However, Greta’s first choice of a fellow stone-faced dinner companion was actually Taylor Armstrong of the Real Housewives franchise, but unlike Lindsay Lohan, amazingly enough Taylor is employed so she couldn’t get away.”

Obama Looking Forward to 4 More Years of Calling Kanye West a Jackass

Washington, DC – Sources close to President Barack Obama claim that not only is the faux progressive looking forward to having four more years for Americans to notice his first term accomplishments -- he’s also hoping for four more years rife with opportunities to label Kanye West a “jackass.” Obama famously labeled hip-hop’s biggest ego as such after his stunt at the VMAs embarrassing full-time surprised person Taylor Swift and did so again this week when asked about him by The Atlantic.

A rep from Obama’s campaign told Unsolicited Drivel, “When that Atlantic reporter asked him about Jay-Z versus Kanye, of course Obama was going to say he preferred Jay-Z.  Jay lets him sing karaoke with Beyonce at parties.  Once we crush Romney in the election in November provided every racist in America doesn’t come out of their bomb shelter to vote, the President will enjoy having many more chances to label West, or 'Immaletchufinish' as we refer to him in the West Wing, a jackass.  He’s the only person who can really do that with little to no fear of a drive-by shooting thanks to the Secret Service.  And now that Kanye is dating a Kardashian, he’s pretty much guaranteed to implode publicly more often than Speaker Boehner burst into tears.  Although I must confess, considering how many of George W. Bush’s policies Obama has continued with, I’m surprised that he didn’t mistakenly refer to the rapper as Conway.”

Hamm Still Thinks Kardashian’s a Sham

New York – Actor Jon Hamm is still letting the public know that he thinks celebutard Kim Kardashian and her self-manufactured fame are ridiculous.

Speaking to Matt Lauer on The Today Show this morning when Hamm was asked about his recent comments where he called Kardashian a “f*cking idiot” he stated, “I don’t think they were careless. I think they were accurate.”

A pal of the hunky Mad Men star told Unsolicited Drivel, “It’s true.  That’s exactly how Jon feels. I don’t think there are enough hours in the day for Jon to think that Kim is stupid.  He did appreciate that this was a Leap Year and he had an extra 24 hours to think about what an idiot Kim is for thinking she has any real talent other than shameless self-promotion.  I bet that had Jon ever played Superman, he would even slow down the Earth’s rotation to have more hours in the day to revile Kim. I’m not sure why he feels so strongly about her. Maybe because he struggled for many years to become a success and land on a show that actual smart people watch and didn’t just rely on having a second rate rapper pee on him in a sex tape so he could someday market a perfume that smells like flowery pee?  Sounds feasible.”

Dog That Replaced Kim Kardashian in Super Bowl Ad Already Turning Out to be a Real Bitch

New York – The French bulldog who replaced Kim Kardashian in an upcoming Skechers Super Bowl ad is following in the previous spokes model’s footsteps apparently as word on the set is the pup is already behaving like a diva and entitled bitch despite having no real talent.

A source on the production staff told us, “So far she’s demanded a private dressing room instead of her usual crate, petit filets to be brought in at meal times from the restaurant STK, a credit card with her likeness on it, her fellow littermates to be somehow worked into the commercial even though we have no interest in them as they aren't as pretty as she is, and an AKC championship Pomeranian to pose as her boyfriend who she will break up with in short order with just for publicity.  She’s also refused to race the pack of greyhounds as scripted in the commercial as she says they should be lucky just to lick her butt - which she has uncharacteristically refused to let them do.  I can only hope we get the commercial filmed and in the can before Ryan Seacrest offers her a reality show on E!”

Remember the Way She Entered Our Stream of Consciousness America

Kim Kardashian Moving to Dubai?

Los Angeles – Americans are still slamming Kim Kardashian this week over the alleged millions she made on her tall-tale wedding.   And now pals of disgraced reality TV princess are speculating that she may move to Dubai after the end of her 1,728-hour publicity stunt marriage.

A source close to Kim told us, “Kim is heartbroken that people think she wouldn’t marry for love and instead had the E! Network and Ryan Seacrest handpick a groom for her. Which they kinda did. But WTF people?!? So fickle! Kim is well aware that a lot of Americans take offense at her lavish wedding ceremony in this economy too. Particularly the gay ones who have complained that they would have toned it down a bit.  The glitz factor, I mean.  IF they could get married.  Then this morning her momager Kris made some crack about hating Indian givers when she was asked about Kim deciding to keep the $2 million ring and not give it back to Kris Humphries.  So now the family has also offended Native Americans in addition to the morals of just about everyone else here except maybe the 1% wealthiest in our country.  But if Kim moves to Dubai, a country where they build indoor ski resorts in a desert, nobody would notice her pursuit of cash because they all have so much they're wiping their butts with $100 bills.  She wouldn’t have to hide her curves there under a burqa either and she’d probably even be perceived as a poor person.  Then the people of Dubai would expect her to marry for money and not be offended that they were duped by a narcissist into thinking it was all about true love.  It's a totally a win-win."

Pondering Prairie Dog Wonders

Obama Claims Credit for Kim Kardashian Divorce to Raise Approval Rating

Washington, DC – President Obama spoke out today and openly claimed credit for the breakdown of reality TV princess Kim Kardashian’s 1,728-hour marriage.

He stated before the stunned press, “You know I love the hoops.  That automatically makes me a fan of the New Jersey Nets' Kris Humphries.  I couldn’t stand idly by and let that young woman of questionable values take advantage of him purely for financial gain. And I watched her do it before I had Michele block that Kardashian TV show from Sasha and Malia’s Tivo. I don’t currently have a public enemy number one to hunt for America for security purposes, so I had to improvise.  It’s what a true leader does – thinks on his feet.  I just wanted to remind the American people that even though we haven’t seen any economic growth and our youth are flocking to occupy our cities in droves that I’m still here and I’m working for you.  That’s why I sent an executive order to Ms. Kardashian demanding she file for divorce from Mr. Humphries.   Folks seem to forget about my efforts lately, as there hasn’t been a recent opportunity for me to very publicly verbally bitch-slap Congress for putting the American people’s needs behind their greed.  So, I decided to settle for the next best thing - their reality TV counterpart.”

What Things Could Outlast a Kim Kardashian Publicity Stunt Marriage?

Los Angeles – Surprise!  It's already splitsville for Hollywood’s biggest publicity whore Kim Kardashian and her basketball player hubby Kris Humphries.  Personally, we always found it pretty creepy that Kim married a dude whose name is spelled exactly like her “Momager” Kris. We also suspected trouble the minute she left him off the first magazine cover whoring out her wedding photos.  The split seems to come pretty quickly too after gossip sites reported that she originally had another ball player in mind and “settled” on Humphries.  Regardless, there seem to be plenty of things in this crazy world that have lasted longer than Kim K.’s sham of a marriage.  Somewhere right now that spinster Paris Hilton is smiling.  Anyway, failures this big scream for comparison!  So let’s take a look at some things that seem likely they could last longer than a Kim Kardashian marriage: