Donald Trump’s Kids Stage a STFU Intervention

You're Fiwed!

New Yawk, NY – Donald Trump’s three eldest children from his first marriage to Ivana, Donald Jr., Ivanka, and that other one (Eric?) have reportedly staged an intervention with their loud-mouthed father beseeching him to shut the f*ck up already or they will no longer be able to put their storied family name on shabbily built skyscrapers they will have to rob Peter to pay Paul to build.

We talked to that one older kid who was unfortunate enough to inherit Donald’s looks and it turns out it was Eric Trump.  He told us, “Between dad's birther bender and his latest false ‘October Surprise’ where he offered $5 million to a charity if President Obama would show his passport and college transcripts, it was getting to be too much for us to stomach even though we are all media whores.  We even had to start mixing Maalox into our Bombay Sapphire martinis!  We tried to get Joan Rivers, possibly the most ruthless, bad-ass winner of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ to run the intervention and if it didn’t go well, bitch-slap dad in the head with one of her QVC necklaces that looks like it’s made of moon rocks. Unfortunately, she was too busy deciding who was a ‘fash-hole’ on her E! TV show 'Fashion Police' this week.  So we had to do it ourselves.  We told him to stop criticizing the president, just let him do his job…at least until ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ is cancelled and stick to what our dad does best…dying his skin to look like and Oompa Loompa in a Brooks Brothers suit, trying to give his arch nemesis Rosie O’Donnell a heart attack and pursing his lame brain idea to make the Statue of Liberty go condo* so he can rename it Trump Liberty Tower.”

*We don't welcome immigrants anymore, so why the hell not?

Keith Olbermann to Take Over Oprah’s Failing Network

Chicago – Hot off the heel that booted him off Current TV last week, rumors are flying that irascible pundit Keith Olbermann is in talks to take over Oprah Winfrey’s failing OWN cable network.

Olbermann was spotted in the Windy City over the weekend dining with Winfrey and feeding her deep-dish pizza like a scene out of Lady and the Tramp, leading many media analysts to believe the takeover is already a done deal.

A former co-worker of Olbermann’s at Current TV told Unsolicited Drivel, “Keith had been planning on leaving Current way before Al Gore booted him.  His desk was too close to the printer and he always got stuck clearing the paper jams or changing the toner.  He also claimed the toner was poisoning his brain whenever there was a Republican debate or primary to cover.  Keith had friended Oprah on Facebook as far back as October and as they are both narcissists, they got really tight.  Keith had one stipulation in the deal to buy OWN and that was that she let him change the network’s name to ME.  In fact, I heard his new show is going to be called, But Enough About Me, What Do the Rest of You Progressives Think About Me?  Keith taking over the network may also be good news for the recently fired Rosie O’Donnell as they are so close in their political views. Although I’m told Keith balked a bit when Rosie told him she’d never wear Spanx again and she’d like to do her new talk show dressed as Che Guevara.” 

Bill O’Reilly Worries Rosie O’Donnell Will Be the Iceberg to Oprah’s Titanic

Rage commentator and all around considerate guy, Bill O’Reilly, expressed his grave concerns that Rosie O’Donnell may tank Oprah’s struggling network with the addition of her talk show.

Speaking to Fox’s obligatory on-air blonde with lots of cleavage and another guy paid to agree with him because he works for his boss, O’Reilly said something like, “Oprah doesn’t have any successful shows. Rosie is at the far left and therefore, evil. Advertisers don’t like that.  That’s why Olbermann only has that cheesy 9/11 commemorative coin seller and that weird weed whacker thing plugging their wares on his show.  And Rosie’s NBC variety show lasted 12-minutes because they forgot to hire comedy writers. She’s not Rizzoli or even Isles. I don’t know what Oprah could possibly be thinking by putting her free-range, locavore eggs in Rosie’s basket. You can't explain that.”

We thought O’Reilly’s assessment of Rosie’s prospects was pretty harsh, so we checked in with our media analyst for comment.  He told us, “True, Rosie is not the Rosie of the early 90s, but Ellen has already supplanted her as the non-controversial lesbian on the talk show circuit.  I’m sure Oprah and Rosie reached some sort of agreement over the tone of the show.   Oprah’s vision for her network is about being the best person you can be.  Rosie’s version of that is being an informed American. If Bill O’Reilly was interested in being informed, he would be clamoring to work for Oprah.”