Exclusive Photo: Bill O'Reilly in the Falklands War

Maggie Thatcher wanted him knighted, but the Queen said, "NO!"

Score ONE for the Good Guys

Inside Newt Gingrich’s New and Improved Anti-Adultery Pledge!

Someplace in Iowa – Self-proclaimed and actual GOP front-runner Newt Gingrich has signed a pledge that he’ll never be an adulterous letch again!  Yes, you read that correctly.

A socially conservative group got the thrice-married Gingrich to sign a pledge this week in which the Republican presidential hopeful also vowed to defend the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) so Americans can’t have equal rights or marry dolphins or tortoises like Fox News host Bill O’Reilly’s fears the most.

Unsolicited Drivel has also learned exclusively that Gingrich pledged to the future ex-Mrs. Gringrich, Callista, that he will never cheat on her in the future without her a full having a full Pet Scan done to show if she has any signs of illness.  Calllista, trying to come across as human, believed the scan had something to due with the SPCA, so was also happy to sign the pledge with her conflict diamond-encrusted Mont Blanc she purchased (with a Groupon) from Tiffany’s.

In another crap-tinged story, the second haircut in the GOP race, Mitt Romney, had incident where he believed he could show he could relate to Middle America by recalling a day when he had to poop in a bucket once while in France.  But sadly, Romney's hopes were dashed again when it was revealed it had been holding a bottle of Veuve Clicquot earlier in the evening.

More Historical Inaccuracies From Bill O’Reilly’s "Killing Lincoln" Book Revealed!

Fox News pundit Bill O’Reilly is no stranger to folks thinking he’s a blow-hard dork. However, this time his new book on Abraham Lincoln has focused on the fact that he’s also a lying and or/delusional dork.

Despite being on the New York Times bestseller list (along with books about attracting “juice heads” penned by Snooki and Chelsea Handler’s most recent guide to masturbating with household furniture), the on-line magazine Salon.com recently reported that "Killing Lincoln", which O’Reilly co-authored with Martin Dugard, is so riddled with factual errors that the National Parks Service took time out from painting their future “We’re Closed” signs at the request of Congress to reveal all of the mistakes in the perhaps treacherous tome before out and out banning it from the bookstore at the Ford’s Theatre.

We at Unsolicited Drivel spent a large portion of last week reading “Killing Lincoln,” and are stunned to bring you even more factual inaccuracies this morning. Other O’Reilly tall tales include but are not limited to:

-Lincoln farmed minks illegally in a bathtub with chicken wire over it, yet he was morally opposed to wearing fur.
-Lincoln started the Civil War because he lost drinking game with Ulysses S. Grant.
-His wife Mary was a card counter and casinos were forced to turn a blind eye by Lincoln’s newly invented Secret Service.
-Lincoln’s favorite drink was Hawaiian Punch. In fact, he invented it despite never having been to Polynesia.
-His son Tad was originally going to be named Nostradamus until Lincoln got in a fight with his best friend, Nostradamus Brown.
-Lincoln had a skin condition which prevented him from wearing socks. To help him not feel odd, Mary had all the socks removed from the White House. No pets were even allowed to be named “Socks” in the White House either until William Jefferson Clinton had the ban lifted in 1993.
-He never ate rutabagas because he hated the vegetable’s name.
-Lincoln never graduated from law school, although he practiced as a lawyer without incident. His actual major was fine art with an emphasis fashion and he had hoped to become a haberdasher.
-He only wore a beard to cover up a scratch on his cheek a high school girlfriend gave him when he got fresh with her at the senior prom.
-He had a pet mouse that could do tricks. His favorite trick was to have it run to the top of a dollhouse and jump off the roof onto a tiny trampoline. The mouse's name was Jebediah.
-Lincoln only went to the Ford Theatre because they had the best popcorn outside of Springfield, Illinois.

Bill O’Reilly Threatens to Delight Rational People By Quitting His Show Over Tax Hikes

New York - Fox News commentator and potential Ichabod Crane impersonator, Bill O’Reilly, insinuated he might delight freethinking, progressive Americans by quitting his TV show over Obama’s proposed tax hikes.

Speaking to his television audience as if a day without him would be like a day without oxygen*, O’Reilly stated, “It’s not that I don’t want our government to have money. Money goes in, money goes out. But if they want revenue, it’s not going to come from me. You can’t tax achievement otherwise all we’d have are underachievers. Like the folks in my audience that aren’t millionaires who are watching this show right now while looking up from their scratch-off tickets at the local liquor store. Okay, I guess that’s most of you. But if you tax the achievers, they’ll pack it in. Stop achieving altogether. And I may just pack it in if Obama raises my taxes. But even after I’ve decided to stop achieving, I’ll still be achieving by ruining the livelihoods of my entire staff. Which again, makes me an overachiever even when I’ve stopped achieving. I guess I just operate on a higher level.  I can’t explain that.”

Even though Obama’s tax plan has yet to be implemented, upon hearing the news of O’Reilly’s threat, millions of Americans** who don’t like their news delivered with a heaping side of emotional manipulation strictly for financial gain due to case of megalomania, were already fantasizing about sending him plenty of boxes to clean out his office.

*Really just hot air.
**Including Keith Olbermann, who we hear has already caught a cab and is half-way to the Fox studio.

Bill O’Reilly Worries Rosie O’Donnell Will Be the Iceberg to Oprah’s Titanic

Rage commentator and all around considerate guy, Bill O’Reilly, expressed his grave concerns that Rosie O’Donnell may tank Oprah’s struggling network with the addition of her talk show.

Speaking to Fox’s obligatory on-air blonde with lots of cleavage and another guy paid to agree with him because he works for his boss, O’Reilly said something like, “Oprah doesn’t have any successful shows. Rosie is at the far left and therefore, evil. Advertisers don’t like that.  That’s why Olbermann only has that cheesy 9/11 commemorative coin seller and that weird weed whacker thing plugging their wares on his show.  And Rosie’s NBC variety show lasted 12-minutes because they forgot to hire comedy writers. She’s not Rizzoli or even Isles. I don’t know what Oprah could possibly be thinking by putting her free-range, locavore eggs in Rosie’s basket. You can't explain that.”

We thought O’Reilly’s assessment of Rosie’s prospects was pretty harsh, so we checked in with our media analyst for comment.  He told us, “True, Rosie is not the Rosie of the early 90s, but Ellen has already supplanted her as the non-controversial lesbian on the talk show circuit.  I’m sure Oprah and Rosie reached some sort of agreement over the tone of the show.   Oprah’s vision for her network is about being the best person you can be.  Rosie’s version of that is being an informed American. If Bill O’Reilly was interested in being informed, he would be clamoring to work for Oprah.”