Saturday Night Live Must Control Presidential Elections...

Obama gave SNL's Lorne Michaels The Presidential Medal of Freedom. Saturday Night Live MUST control elections now. Fer sure. This all but GUARANTEES president Alec Baldwin will win an Emmy... even though there are no Emmys in politics!!! Maybe Trump could win a Tony Award though? I dunno...

Open Carry Proponent Disappointed People Didn't Notice He Was an Insecure Prick

Deer Tick, VA - A local man and enthusiastic proponent of open carry gun laws was disappointed today when nobody looked at him like he was a total ammosexual prick.

Cletus Jackson told Unsolicited Drivel,  "Man. I can't believe it! This state invented open carry. That's how you make laws, right? Invent them? I don't believe in no science though. Men didn't evolve from no monkeys. Despite what people say about my idol, Donald Trump. I drove all over this town and nobody noticed me. Everybody else was wearing guns they also bought without background checks and I just blended in like all the other white people here. Should have never gone into that Panera Breads. Everybody looking at them computer tablets. What's Focaccia bread? Sounds socialist to me. Too bad we don't have no gay-hatin' bakeries here. I would have been be heralded as a local hero in there. They's always be wanting equal rights like marrying their own cousins. But what gay would hang out here? I don't know what they do? Is there a store that sells rainbow unicorns? My brother who never married nobody suggested that maybe. Don't know why he used one of them there bedazzlers on his KKK hood though. Hope he bought them rhinestones at the Hobby Lobby. I'd check the Yahoo for the real story 'bout those rainbow unicorns on my AOL account, but I blew off my opposable thumbs.

Senator Bernie Sanders Caught Saving Cat From Being Roadkill: Wasserman Schutlz Inconsolable

Don't Cry for Me Donkey Party...

Portland, Oregon - Current democratic party chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, was found beside herself today (almost forgetting her hair gel) when she learned that while on the campaign trail, Senator Bernie Sanders rescued a kitty from being crushed by a Secret Service SUV. Maybe they gave him the drunk Secret Service guys? (Those were meant for Trump.)

She told a staffer, "Damn it! That man with a 100% approval rating from the Humane Society! Everyone knows the most popular animals on the Internet are cats! Followed by goats and maybe lamas? Everyone ALSO knows FOR SURE Hillary Clinton would recuse a cat ANY DAY of the week. She OWNED 'Socks' the cat after all. She didn't name him, 'Socks the sensible shoes' cat. And Socks rocked it. Until they abandoned him. Or her? Whatever. What if Sanders rescues a French Bull dog? This man must be stopped. What if my arch nemesis Tim Canova saves some endangered species of gecko from pesticides in my district in Florida? The Geico gecko could never save me if THAT nightmare happens! I guess I'll just go back to my real life ambition. Playing the role of 'Evita" at Burt Reynold's dinner theater in Jupiter, Florida???"

Former Governor Jan Brewer Excitedly Open to Be Trump’s Possible VP Pick

We're so expert at hatred!

Phoenix, AZ - Former Arizona governor, Jan Brewer, is very excited her name is being floated around as Donald Trump’s possible pick for vice president to make America hate more than it already does.

When reached for comment, Brewer told Unsolicited Drivel, “I didn’t think it was possible to find a candidate that hates Mexicans more than I do??? And he lies constantly! Just like I lied about finding severed Mexican drug cartel heads in the deserts of my adopted home state. I may be no beauty queen like Sarah Palin, but both Donald and I have skin that makes us look like we sunbathe on the actual surface of the sun. Donald even hates chimichangas! Don’t tell him the recipe was invented in America. I’d worry he won’t like me anymore because they serve them in Arizona and I have to admit, that’s the last meal I shared with my other favorite hater, Sheriff Joe Arpaio when we were playing Wheel of Deportation. I will never ‘play the woman card' like Hillary Clinton either. The last time I tried to play the ‘woman card’ the clerk at the Walmart cut it up like I was an identity thief. In fact, they revoked my woman card many years ago. Something about me having as much compassion for women and all of humanity as a scorpion? I don’t really remember…

When reached for comment Secretary Clinton had no words.

Donald Trump's White Christmas!

Donald Trump Sings "White Christmas" from Funny Or Die

The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore
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Donald Trump Still Working on a Strategy to Offend Almost Every American

Wrong finger, Asshat.

Somewhere in Iowa or New Hampshire – Strategists for alleged billionaire and megalomaniac haircut of manhood, Donald Trump, are scratching their heads of inferior hair today for ideas on how he can offend almost the entire nation before the primaries to guarantee the votes of people with the brainpower of an amoeba. Unsolicited Drivel has been told by a staffer, “We’re not very smart. We’re running out of ideas! We know we can get the Neo-Nazi vote and as of today, that might be enough. He still needs to step up his white supremacy.”

We had a staffer dig through the dumpster at Trump Tower (they aren’t smart enough to shred their paperwork), to see what we could find. In one crumbled up email from a non-secure server here were some of their ideas:

• Insult Asians by telling them they all look alike (Trump forgot they existed).
• Tell Native Americans he will buy all of their casinos because they are not REAL Americans and not worthy of bankrupting a casino.
• Start a Rich Bastards Lives Matter activism group.
• Accuse the Sikhs in America of being Isis if they wear black turbans.
• Insist Carly Fiorina is going through menopause at the next debate debasing all women with hot flashes.
• Tell fast food and Wal-Mart workers on food stamps they are LOSERS!
• Insult a veteran (other than John McCain) who is preferably in a wheel chair, missing legs and gay.

Sorry, kids! That’s all we could find today. No doubt the insults will keep coming from El Trumpo!!!  Keep the faith.

Carnival Barker - Trump

Without Donald Trump, I'd Starve

From NOT laughing.

No Self-Respecting Cat Would be a Trump

(Via Tumblr/Vanity Fair)

Sarah Palin Drops Another "Smart Bomb"

What an ignoramus. Indiana Jones couldn't find her college diploma, let alone Donald Trump.

Rocker Bret Michaels Was Allegedly in Tears Due to “Celebrity Apprentice” Firing

New Yawk – Poison front man Bret Michaels was allegedly in tears after his being the first fired from Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice All-Stars season debut.  The crew said he had tears streaming down his face and they had no idea if he was really THAT upset or if fellow competitor Omarosa had slipped some sliced onions under his bandana. They could not get close enough to the upset rocker to really know for sure.

A pal of Michaels’ told Unsolicited Drivel, “Fans and friends of Bret’s are heartbroken as we thought for sure that Bret would be the first two-time Celebrity Apprentice winner given his amazing work ethic.  I’m sure Omarosa didn’t slip any onions under his bandana because he would never let her get close enough to him to try because he thinks she’s an evil Voodoo priestess – which is why he picked her for his team. BIG mistake. So those tears were real Drivel Lady.  And hasn’t Bret already suffered enough???  Between all of his health problems, having to bang those skanks on Rock of Love, and believe me you would not have wanted to see Bret’s face after seeing the movie version of his musical Rock of Ages last summer. It was like someone had just thrown his puppy under a truck.  The good news though is he and Donald Trump will remain close friends because Donald is the only other rapidly aging dude Bret knows who has hair that's more whack than he does.”

NBC Now to Allegedly “Monitor” Donald Trump’s Borderline Insanity

You gotta pwobwem wit me?

New York - Real Estate mogul and reality TV star Donald Trump's increasing need to lose all of his marbles publicly was allegedly addressed at the 2013 winter Television Critics Association press tour on Sunday. Even though Trump claims to have “a great relationship with the blacks” or “Americans” as they are known in polite circles, he has repeatedly had issues with President Obama being in office. And supposedly, even his own family has told him to STFU in regard to his disdain.

An NBC honcho told us, “He has his own political belief system. We’re not quite sure what it is but are guessing it’s something like he believes in dipping the entire White House in gold, having legal gambling in the West wing and filling it with hookers from Eastern bloc countries to service patrons in the Lincoln bedroom.  But we can’t be sure. We will keep our ear to the ground for his political outbursts in the future.  Okay, just start paying attention really.  However, Mr. Trump still brought us ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ which has been a ratings winner for us.  And with the exception of Joan Rivers, the audience loves that he brings on other contestants who are people they thought were already dead, should be and/or are soon to go to prison, or should be studied in a lab. We do not share our political views with each other at NBC Universal. That being said, I will also confirm with you at this time that despite rumors, we did NOT inject our chief political correspondent Chuck Todd’s face full of Botox to keep him from looking like he was trying to keep from breaking out laughing all during coverage of the GOP at the Iowa Caucuses last year.”

Donald Trump’s Kids Stage a STFU Intervention

You're Fiwed!

New Yawk, NY – Donald Trump’s three eldest children from his first marriage to Ivana, Donald Jr., Ivanka, and that other one (Eric?) have reportedly staged an intervention with their loud-mouthed father beseeching him to shut the f*ck up already or they will no longer be able to put their storied family name on shabbily built skyscrapers they will have to rob Peter to pay Paul to build.

We talked to that one older kid who was unfortunate enough to inherit Donald’s looks and it turns out it was Eric Trump.  He told us, “Between dad's birther bender and his latest false ‘October Surprise’ where he offered $5 million to a charity if President Obama would show his passport and college transcripts, it was getting to be too much for us to stomach even though we are all media whores.  We even had to start mixing Maalox into our Bombay Sapphire martinis!  We tried to get Joan Rivers, possibly the most ruthless, bad-ass winner of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ to run the intervention and if it didn’t go well, bitch-slap dad in the head with one of her QVC necklaces that looks like it’s made of moon rocks. Unfortunately, she was too busy deciding who was a ‘fash-hole’ on her E! TV show 'Fashion Police' this week.  So we had to do it ourselves.  We told him to stop criticizing the president, just let him do his job…at least until ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ is cancelled and stick to what our dad does best…dying his skin to look like and Oompa Loompa in a Brooks Brothers suit, trying to give his arch nemesis Rosie O’Donnell a heart attack and pursing his lame brain idea to make the Statue of Liberty go condo* so he can rename it Trump Liberty Tower.”

*We don't welcome immigrants anymore, so why the hell not?

What Should The Today Show Do to Improve its Falling Ratings?

We polled our Unsolicited Drivel readers and here is what they told us:

Score ONE for the Good Guys

Trump Deletes Tweets, Yet Sadly, Refuses to Delete Himself

You gotta pwoblem wit me?

NY, New Yawk - Self proclaimed King of the USA, Donald Trump, quickly deleted some of the Twitter messages he put up after President Obama's reelection this week.

Trump, who admittedly doesn't drink, can still behave like the biggest asshole in America and APPEAR to be drunk with ease somehow every time he opens his mouth.  He also accomplished this by having his wife (secretary of the luxury condo tower) Tweet with her French manicure, "Well, back to the dwarwing board!"  And something like "This countwy is now a twavesty!!"  He also admitted that he felt Mitt Romney didn't connect with most Americans, like for example, "the blacks," with whom he has a great relationship, but also failed to notice that most of his help is Latino now and Snoop Dog (Lion?) only hangs out with him when he's stoned.  Like he's outta his zone, mon!

We wondered why someone as outspoken as Donald Trump is would take back his words of criticism?  Our current staff historian told Unsolicited Drivel, "Well America's always in need of having at the very LEAST one major asshole and Trump has been willing to fill that bill.  Tough job, but he delivers.  Especially when you consider how it would be so easy for Rush Limbaugh to OD or Bill O'Reilly to be a victim of spontaneous human combustion.  Trump also gets less D-List celebrities on his TV show than Dancing With the Stars.  Be that as it may, and even though former Senator Todd Akin challenged the Donald for the title of 'America's Biggest Asshole'…well, if you know Donald and I do, he doesn't like losing.  Yet he still toned down his Tweets for the time being and had Melania delete some.  Also, it's he likely calmed down a bit when the president sent him his college transcripts via a bald eagle courier that damn near scratched clean off whatever that thing is that lives on his head when it landed."

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Kimmel Translates Trump's Non-October Surprise

Donald Trump Set to Moderate a Republican Debate?

Des Moines, IA – Will The Donald be “firing” any 2012 GOP candidates this election cycle? It seems possible now that Newsmax has scheduled the TV reality star to host what will very likely be a lively debate on Ion TV on December 27th.

A spokesperson for the business mogul told Unsolicited Drivel, “Everybody loves Donald Trump as he’s continued to reinvent himself bankruptcy after bankruptcy and has upgraded his wives’ hotness each time as well. We think he will bring a lively, grassroots angle to the GOP debate. And speaking of roots, between Trump, Romney and Ron Paul’s eyebrows it should be one of the more interesting debates from a strictly follicle angle. Too bad Rod Blagojevich is no longer a politico! Expect this debate to be much more like The Apprentice as it will take place at a conference table and be more like a brainstorming session. That will give Rick Perry a chance to show America that his brain still does actually work.  Maybe. There will be no trick questions. Like which country does or doesn’t have nuclear weapons? Are you listening Herman Cain? Trump doesn’t even care if any of them can pronounce the word ‘nuclear.’ Should he get back in the race himself, he’d only nuke North Korea anyway. I expect the Donald will primarily just want to know what the candidates’ plans are for penalizing China for taking such advantage of the U.S. financially. Donald had proposed a 25% tariff on all of their imports and also insisted that they use their own products at home and resume binding their feet again. This Trump debate should be a really exciting event. Now if we can just get through the weekend without Newt Gingrich firing all of the other candidates first!”

More Americans Approve of Wall Street Occupiers Than Congress

A recent poll conducted among people who like to take polls revealed that more Americans approve of the people currently occupying Wall Street than they do of their own elected state representatives in Congress.

33% have a favorable opinion of the occupiers in lower Manhattan, many of whom are out of work students, 27% said they don’t like “those hippie freaks,” and 40% didn’t know the occupation was going on because they get their news from Fox and/or wouldn’t notice unless the occupation took place in Donald Trump’s hair.

In sharp contrast, only 14% of Americans have a positive view of Congress, and 82% disapprove.  Of those American’s disapproving of Congress, an impressive 67% said they would rather hang out with a young person in Zuccotti Park who was wearing a saggy knit cap, facial jewelry and tattoos and had hummus breath, and who had also only been sponge bathing at a McDonald’s for nearly a month, than hear anything that disgraced New York Representative Charlie Rangel had to say on his recent visit there.