GOP in Congress Secretly Push to Ban Celiac Disease

Put a sock in it, bitch.

Washington, DC – The 2013 Congress has just been sworn in and is apparently up to no good already.  Despite having a record number of women, people of color and gays and lesbians, the GOP (so we are told) is still trying to kill Americans.  This time by working to ban Celiac disease – that gluten intolerance that makes peoples’ colons explode if they eat wheat products.

We thought we would check in with one of the most evil GOP Congressmen who doesn’t get nearly enough attention - our very own shame of Maryland - Representative Andy Harris.  Harris was the first freshman Congressman to demand his new healthcare benefits after the 2010 election; voted against the Safe Routes to School program (so little kids can continue to become stains on the pavement while walking to school); had a journalist who was trying to film a documentary about the toxic natural gas extraction method fracking in Maryland arrested; voted against Hurricane Sandy relief when his very own district at home is in a flood plain; voted no on Agricultural Disaster Assistance to starve the farmers that voted him into office; and naturally, DOCTOR Harris voted against Obamcare. This is only a small listing of his "charms."

We called Rep. Harris’ office to make an inquiry about this alleged bill to ban Celiac disease and were only able to get an aide on the phone.  He told us, “I will neither confirm or deny your conspiracy theory about the GOP working to ban Celiac disease to please the Wheat lobbyists and/or the Pharmaceutical lobbyists who sell stomach medication.  It should be obvious to you by now that Rep. Harris doesn’t give a crap about farmers or the health of Americans.  I will say that most Americans would never even know the disease existed if that mouthy little harpy on ‘The View’ Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t constantly talk about it and Pepto Bismol sales would not have gone down.  So I wouldn’t be surprised if one day it appears like somebody slipped a Rufi into Whoopi Goldberg’s Kombucha tea and she sits on Elisabeth and smothers her. It could happen.  But you didn't hear that from me."

Rep. Peter King Relieved He Can Go Back to Hatin’ on Muslims Now

Washington, DC – The House of Representatives finally passed a $9.7 billion bill to aid the victims of Hurricane Sandy today. The bill sailed through the normally dysfunctional bunch of law blockers faster than Team Oracle in the America's Cup.  As the bill is likely to be approved by the Senate very quickly (as they are somewhat less insane than the House), this very good news indeed for Rep. Peter King of Long Island because it means he can go back to devoting his day to hating Muslims full-time!

An aide to the irascible Congressman told Unsolicited Drivel, “I was starting to get really worried his head would explode if we didn’t get the Sandy relief this week. Do you know what the consequences of that could be? Well, I think it would mean that Communist Alec Baldwin would move back to Long Island and run for Representative King’s seat and that would spell clear and present danger for haters everywhere. Although it’s still possible that Mayor Bloomberg will just appoint Baldwin to his seat when he retires, as he seems to think he’s king of the Jews as well as New York City or something. And didn't those people kill Jesus? The nerve. So we took Representative King’s blood pressure after the vote and all is well. Now he can go back to hating Muslims, or ‘Mohammeds’ as he likes to call them and raise holy Hell every time they try and build another mosque that most New Yorkers would pass by every day and never even notice.”

Hurricane Sandy Forces Suri Cruise to Live Near Nerds

What in the name of Xenu?!?

New York, NY - Self-proclaimed Queen of all celebrity tots, Suri Cruise, was forced to leave her luxury apartment in Chelsea this week due to Hurricane Sandy, and move to a hotel…UPTOWN!

The six-year-old pending fashionista told us, "About 8:30 Monday night we lost power and I had to resort to looking at myself in the mirror by my pink flashlight! Can you believe that? I know it doesn't look like it would matter to my mom Katie if she could bathe or groom, but it certainly matters to me! So, I'm like even though we live in one of the hippest 'hoods in Manhattan let's bail. Even the Starbucks were closed! Then Katie goes and moves us to a hotel on the upper East Side. I mean, what the heck? I don't swear by the way.  I'm too cool for a potty mouth.  Didn't that communist Alec Baldwin live on the upper East Side before he started banging a yoga instructor half his age downtown? Plus there are women here who look…are you sitting down?……MATRONLY!!!  I can't wait to get back to Chelsea where they gays are like my ladies-in-waiting and are nearly wetting themselves to see what I wear to school each day!"

NBC to Host Telethon to Maybe Aid Hurricane Sandy Victims

We're so compassionate!?!

New York - NBC Universal is planning to host a telethon as soon as they can pull a production staff together and try and lure stars like Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, you know, the usual suspects….to help raise money to aid the victims of Hurricane Sandy.

The program, which they will not share with other networks (because of advertising revenue) is tentatively titled "Coming Together" and will not feature Beatles music because they are British dudes and also due to NBC's shitty programming over the years, they could never afford the music rights anyway.

An intern at the peacock network, who asked not to be named, told Unsolicited Drivel, "It's hopefully going to be a star-studded show and at least, unlike with Hurricane Katrina, we won't have any fear of Kanye West stomping up on the stage and proclaiming 'President Obama hates black people!' I cannot guarantee that will mean there will be no Kardashians on the broadcast.  Sorry.  You have no idea how sorry I am about that.  I can tell you the show will be hosted by Matt Lauer…which kind of leaves me scratching my head.  I mean if they wanted to do a show about victims, why didn't they just hire Ann Curry to host it?"

Red Cross to Mitt Romney: Cram Your Creamed Corn

U.S.of A. - While NJ Governor Chris Christie was pressing the flesh with President Obama (after he stopped causing the storm surge during hurricane Sandy by swimming), GOP Presidential hopeful and FEMA hater Mitt Romney was quickly devising a plan to save storm victims with a food drive…which kind of (allegedly) made the folks at  Red Cross want to choke on a corn dog.

An insider at the disaster relief organization anonymously told Unsolicited Drivel, "Uh, we know Mitt's never had to use our compassionate services as he can probably just ride out any storm in his car elevator, but we need financial donations to put the money exactly where it needs to go.  Be it maintaining shelters, feeding people too, but we decide where the money goes based upon urgent needs.  We accepted his truck full of peas and creamed corn just to be nice, but we wouldn't accept the horsehair blankets he had made out of Rafalca after he failed to medal in dressage in the London Olympics.  We love people as much as animals in our organization and in fact, ALL of Mr. Romney's ideas seem inhumane to us.  We don't need the magic Mormon underwear he offered for the victims either.  Perhaps Mr. Romney should not visit the hurricane victims today and just stay home, nice and warm, in one of his many, many houses and stick to handing out $100,000 bars to trick-or treaters tonight? That would be a nice change for him instead of handing out pink slips.  Thanks for letting me vent, U.D.  Dealing with these blowhard politicians after a natural disaster can be dealing like barnyard animals with their heads cut off!"