Read This! Attorney General Won’t Be Reciting Miranda to Osama

Washington, DC - As reports are surfacing that indicate that former Attorney General, John Ashcroft, and Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, warned the 9/11™ Commission to “not dig too deep,” into investigating the September 11th terrorist attacks, current Attorney General, Eric Holder, has come under fire for “testy” remarks about Osama bin Laden.  On Tuesday, Holder told congressional Republicans on the House Budget Committee that he believed we would never be reading Osama bin Laden his “Miranda Rights.”  Initially, one might believe that this would be good news to their ears as it would clear the way for torture should they find him - but you would be wrong, because what Holder really meant was that he didn’t believe Bin Laden would ever be taken alive.  This was very bad news all around to the “do as I say, not as I do crew.”  Holder also took issue with terrorists being tried in a military court, feeling they should be tried like the old-fashioned mass murderers, the Manson family,  even if they didn’t carve 9/11™ into their foreheads. Holder indicated that if we were so inclined, we could still read his rights to Bin Laden’s corpse if we ever find it, and we were still hung up on procedure.   However, for those who have believed that Bin Laden has been dead since shortly after the 9/11™ attacks, it becomes even more of confusing formality as he likely has been converted into bat guano long ago.  How else can we explain our government’s failure to find a freakishly tall terrorist leader, dragging ass all over Tora Bora caverns in heavy, symbolic holy robes while relying on only one kidney?  Even if there weren’t discarded takeout containers from the “Falafel Hut” littering the cave’s entrance, we still should have found him by now.  Provided he was not dead, and we actually spent 9 years looking for him in the first place.  As the search never was featured on “America’s Most Wanted,” we’ll never know for sure.  And, even more disappointing, we’ll also never know if Osama shops at Wal-Mart.