If Dr. Drew Was Your Dad, He Could Mess You Up Real Bad

That is, if you were Lindsay Lohan.  As Lindsay is not a run of the mill pot smoker who never leaves her mom’s basement, but is instead spotted out clubbing every night, the board (or maybe bored) certified addiction specialist has a serious message for her. 

Dr. Drew recently told an online entertainment site something like, “If she were my daughter, I would pack the fender panels of her Mercedes full of crystal meth, then I would rifle through her purse to replace her birth control pills with Ecstasy, I would switch her cologne with vodka, and then I would dust her Odor Eaters with cocaine, and after I saw her rip off the flier I put on her windshield for an upcoming rave on that night, and then watched her speed out of the driveway on only two wheels to get away from me, then…I would call the cops.  I’d have them on speed dial.  After she was arrested, I would leave her in jail long enough that she would go back to being bisexual for her future career in porn, as she was already uninsurable to work in the mainstream before she ended up in the clink, and I wouldn’t have plans to support her.  When she gets out of jail three years later and returns to her bad behavior, I would do it all over again just out of principle.  I mean, what I MEANT to say is, I hope Lindsay gets some help very soon before something really terrible happens!”  Upon reading about Dr. Drew’s sage parenting advice, Michael Lohan, in need of quick cash to finance his upcoming wedding, is believed to already be in contact with the A&E and VH1 networks to pitch an idea for a new reality show.