“Burlesque” is a musical comedy. I make this assertion because like a musical, people burst into song suddenly at times and it’s a comedy because it includes every possible cliché known in the history of the American cinema leaving the audience laughing at the actors - not with them.
Christina Aguilera plays Ali, a small town farm girl who wants to break into show business. She looks a little long in the tooth for the role (at 30), but we’re guessing it took her many, many years to either save up enough money from whole-note singing to finance the film herself, or it took her over 10 years to convince Hollywood producers to take on the project.
Cher (and her eyes – the only part of her face that still move) plays Tess, a tough and cynical owner of a cash-strapped club named, are you sitting down? – BURLESQUE! Isn’t that kind of like naming the club DANCE or SINGING?? No wonder business is bad – no catchy name like the “Pink Pussy(cat) Palace.” Yeah, THAT’s the problem. They provide no back story to the character as to why she’s bitter, other than her marrying and divorcing a milquetoast toad played by Peter Gallagher, and you can’t tell by watching Cher either, because if Hollywood has her pull her face any tighter, she’ll have both eyes on one side of her head like a flounder.
Stanley Tucci plays the same role he played in “The Devil Wears Prada,” only this time he’s a witty gay sidekick who’s a costumer. The costumes were the best part of the film, in my opinion. Maybe the club was going bankrupt because of too much sequin and ostrich feather overhead?
Cam Gigandet and Eric Dane play the love interests for the Ali character pretty much interchangeably as they kind of look alike and you forget their performances as you are watching them. Cam is the small town boy from Kentucky who writes music he won’t share with anyone, and Eric Dane is the evil businessman who wants to turn the nightclub into a high-rise office building.
Kristen Bell is miscast as the “bad-girl” dancer, Nikki, and Julianne Hough does justice to her sweet, but dim bulb, dancer Georgia. Alan Cumming is reprising his role from Broadway’s “Cabaret,” but he doesn’t seem to realize his character really is the box office operator and not the emcee.
Naturally, Ali’s extreme talent will save the day, as the club will be able to now feature her larger than life voice live instead of lip-synching. Her dancing won’t save them as it’s basically just wiggling between very quick cuts as the camera leaves her more than it hangs on her every step. However, as Tess has gotten so far into debt due to overuse of body glitter, she would “need to fill Yankee Stadium” to pay the mortgage. So, look for a sudden deus ex machina in the form of James Brolin in his two minutes of screen time. Kudos to Barbra Streisand for letting him share the screen with that other diva, Cher.
In summary, “Burlesque” is like a 100 minute Pussycat Dolls show without the sexy. The dialogue is so bad a 12-year-old could have written it. The only good line in the movie came from Stanley Tucci’s character, Sean, when he said, “My mother’s name was John.”
My other half’s review: “Bring two pillows, because your pillow will need a pillow.”
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