Tony Hayward Wishes He’d Gone to Acting School

Hayward/Sheen

Jolly ‘ole England – Disgraced former BP CEO Tony Hayward said he wasn’t prepared for the media "feeding frenzy" after he was too much of a cheap bastard to pay for safety in the Deepwater Horizon Gulf Oil Spill Disaster™ and he wishes he had better communication skills to deal with the press.

After being "demonized and vilified" by the press, Hayward suggested that maybe instead of spending money on sailing lessons to race yachts with crews larger than the populations of some island nations, he probably should have gone to The Royal Academy of Dramatic Art to learn how to fake empathy.   However, as Hayward’s not very mindful regarding the challenges of the simple folk, we are guessing that he probably would have concentrated his studies on performing Macbeth or King Arthur in Camelot and his degree would have been useless anyway.

Unsolicited Drivel spoke with one anonymous source at BP that told us, “BP didn’t have a contingency plan.  Why would we?  We didn’t have a safety plan.  We pretty much pulled things out of our arse.  Our biggest mistake after the disaster was not immediately replacing Hayward with actor Michael Sheen before putting him in front of the television cameras.  You Yanks never would have known the difference and Sheen could emote the crap out empathy.  Unfortunately, Michael’s schedule didn’t permit as casting directors seem to be convinced he’s the only bloody actor who can play every uptight, stiff-upper-lipped British bloke historical figure of the 21st century, and blimey, we got quite a good lot of work for him.”