Republicans Gone Wild: Most Shocking Budget Cuts Edition!!

Washington, DC – Voters outside of Wisconsin, who haven’t felt the sting of buyer’s remorse yet after casting a ballot for an out and out class war last November, might not be paying close attention to the GOP’s not so secret “hit list” in their $60 billion spending cut proposal. 

Shortly before the Republicans begin their own version of “March Madness” with another veiled threat of a government shutdown looming, we bring you their greatest proposed fiscal hits.  The Democratic majority in the Senate voted down their diabolical plans, but here is where they proposed to cut Americans to the quick:

1) Natural Disaster Warnings
The GOP budget bill would strip the National Weather Service, the agency responsible for warning America about tornadoes, hurricanes, blizzards, fires, floods, Charlie Sheen appearances and even Tsunamis, of $126 million and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the folks who could have warned Japan about the 8.9 magnitude earthquake if the Japanese were lucky enough to be Americans, of $454.30 million.    We can only guess that the Republicans were relying on the fact that most Americans are pet lovers, and we would likely suspect something was strange about the weather when our dogs and cats started climbing up onto our rooftops or burrowing under the foundation of our homes.  Provided we had homes.  Americans living in the wealthiest zip codes could still rely on receiving a text message warning from FEMA.

2) Emergency Oil Reserves? What Emergency Oil Reserves?
It seems to be an unwritten rule that the crazier the dictator, the more precious natural resources the country he is terrorizing under his rule is in possession of - which their citizenry never reap the financial rewards for.  But we Americans can buy them!  However, as uprisings are likely to happen in oil rich nations as oppression gets pretty f’in old after a while, the United States keeps a Strategic Petroleum Reserve for emergencies so we can still drive ten yards for a McNugget.  The GOP budget plan was to cut $120.2 million from this oil supply, virtually guaranteeing an opportunity for gas prices to rise so high that Americans would have to choose between a gallon of gas and a gallon of milk at some point in the very near future.   Of course, if you are wealthy enough to hire a homeless person to transport you in a rickshaw (via Kramerica Industries), affordable gasoline is not a necessity.

3) No Fighting for Our Firefighter Heroes
Where's the fire? The Republicans planned to break the glass, pull out the ax and slash $510 million of the Federal Emergency Management Agency's grants for firefighters.  Very likely, some of the savings may have been reallocated to the people at FEMA who would be sending the text messages to the rich, entitled bastards about the coming Rapture (See: Budget cut #1) in lieu of national natural disaster warnings.

4) Emergency Responders Would Be Unable to Respond
To each other that is.  Mr. Counterterrorism Official sees a guy that would scare the crap out of Juan Williams leaving a smoking SUV in Times Square.  What is he to do?!?  Well, if Republicans had their way, he wouldn’t be able to warn the masses or request back-up via cell phone, as they planned for The Law Enforcement Wireless Communications Department to be relegated to using two Starbucks cups and a string via a $70 million budget cut.  Oops, terrorists just took out an entire Broadway theater!  Or, was that just the new special effects team on “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark?”  It would be hard for a first responder to tell the difference without wireless access to help gather info.

5) Bring Back the Banking Blinders
The GOP plans would once again turn a blind eye to banking blunders by cutting $56.8 billion from the Commodity Futures Trading Commission.  It is believed that lack of oversight caused the current financial meltdown which began (under Bush) in 2008.  President Obama wanted to increase funding to ensure non-predatory banking practices.  Under the GOP plan, even an amoeba could get a $750k mortgage provided it could show two forms of I.D. to the bank.

6) Less Time for Doing the Financial Crime
Republicans would cut $2.1 million from the crimes enforcement network at the Treasury Department.  That would translate to allowing hucksters like Bernie Madoff to come over to your house and have sex with your rare coin collection on your own bed, and then only receive a slap on the Rolex as punishment.

7) Just Put a Little Raw Meat On That Shiner Ladies
Are you a poor woman caught in an abusive relationship and can’t afford legal aid?  Sorry ladies, but $70 million dollars towards your freedom from abuse via legal protection would be gone if the GOP had their way.  So, just put a little raw meat on your black eye.  Can’t afford meat?  How about that meat-like stuff at the Taco Bell? This evil cut on the GOP’s part would have been a truly crushing step backwards to victims of domestic abuse, particularly as not every gal has low enough self-esteem to bang a moneybags like Mel Gibson.

8) Building a Nation of “Bristol the Pistols”
When it comes to showing compassion for their fellow humans, nothing makes a Republican get the warm fuzzies more than pining over an unborn fetus.  You betcha! That being said, the GOP proposed to cut $110 million from our communities for teen pregnancy prevention.  A nation of knocked up, unwed Palin-mommy wannabes - whoo, hoo!  It doesn’t get more backwards than that!

9) You Want Fries With That?
Sure the GOP can create jobs for limo drivers and caddies, but can they create other, non-service-related jobs for our kids?  The answer would be “No.”  Not while stripping the Department of Labor’s job core of $300 million in funding. Although the GOP may take partial credit for our kids ending up working behind the microphone at fast food restaurants, as they have about as much intention of reducing poverty as revealing their real tax returns, so they will be sending droves of Americans to the Diabetes Drive-thru.  However, as the GOP will not be eating at the restaurants themselves as the burgers are not made of prime Texas beef,  they can’t take TOTAL credit for fast food job creation.

10) Killing Them Baby Foreigners
Republicans are still under the assumption that “The Tourist” was big box office and Angelina Jolie can still afford to adopt every foreign kid in need.  Therefore, they proposed to cut $783.5 million from the USAID's Child Survival and Health Grants Program that works to fight against life threatening poverty.  They also made the argument that the tabloids are often right more often than wrong and that Jennifer Aniston was indeed in the foreign baby market, so what's the big deal?

So!  After examining these near catastrophes,  hopefully we can learn from our mistakes in the voting booth for next time.  Thankfully, these measures didn’t make it through the Senate, but the GOP goals are clearly to cut or regulate whatever they can.  So much for their disdain of “big government.”  Just be thankful I left out the part about them wanting to torture puppies in this article!