Biggest Shockers from Dick Cheney’s New Book!

It comes as no surprise that former Vice President Dick Cheney is indeed trying to make good on his promise that “heads will explode” in Washington upon the release his new memoir, “In My Time.”

Unsolicited Drivel has snooped by looking over shoulders at Kindles and Nooks headed to K Street this morning (we can’t afford the book or the e-readers), and here are the most revealing tidbits so far…

• Cheney has "no regrets" over waterboarding unlawful combatants to try and garner information after 9/11™.  Although he did concede that if he had it to do over, he’d use beer instead as it would also offend their religion and sting their eyes.  Besides, the plumber’s bill at Gitmo for offending prisoners' religion from flushing their Korans got kind of out of hand.

• Cheney felt that Colin Powell was disrespectful over his handing of the invasion of Iraq and routinely has Powell’s front yard littered with Pottery Barn catalogues even to this day.

• Cheney thought that Condoleeza Rice was a lightweight and took every opportunity he could to make her cry.  Usually he did this by refusing her requests to leave town to go shoe shopping.

• Cheney kept a secret resignation letter in his desk at all times and was prepared to use it if it doctors were ever able to implant him with a functioning human heart.

• There are not enough hours in the day to beat on Arizona Senator John McCain for criticizing Cheney’s policies he inflicted on the Bush Administration in his effort to bring America to its knees.  In fact, Cheney had wanted to have Halliburton drill enough holes in the earth to slow down its rotation to have more hours in the day to criticize McCain and do so while scowling at him from the outside of a bamboo cage.

• Cheney’s sorry he shot his friend Harry Whittington while hunting, but Harry hadn’t shaved all that weekend and after a few shots of single-malt over his oatmeal in the morning, even Mrs. Cheney would have looked like bin Laden to him.

And finally…

• Cheney also reveals that during the 2010 operation to place a battery-operated pump in his chest, he dreamt about being in a wonderful place in Italy, preferably sharing a glass of grappa with Mussolini.