Patients More Likely to Prefer Depression Over Pills

U.S. of A. – Antidepressants are the second most prescribed drug in the U.S., but that may be about to change.  Nobody likes to be depressed, but recent findings show that most Americans would rather suffer through that depression than seek help from their doctor in the form of a pill. 

A researcher who conducted the study told Unsolicited Drivel, “It’s not the stigma of mental illness that is keeping depressed folks out of the doctor’s office.  Everybody’s depressed these days.  Why wouldn’t they be when they see how our lawmakers don't seem to care about anyone's welfare but their own?  I blame the decrease in seeking help on the actual pills.  I’m not sure when doctors stopped prescribing the pills that actually help, like the anti-anxiety class of drugs, but I’m guessing it was about the same time that big Pharma wanted to market their new SSIs for depression.  But my study shows that most Americans would rather sit through endless re-runs of Touched by an Angel or Pixar films than take a drug that turns them into a zombie, causes impotence and weight gain and could also make them have a baby that comes out with three heads and/or gills.  And Americans are going to become even more depressed when they realize that big Pharma has a diabolical plan to keep marijuana illegal so it will never replace their antidepressants that they’ve spent millions developing and marketing.   One big pharmaceutical company, I’m not going to name names but theirs rhymes with ‘silly,’ is even currently designing a superhero-themed Pez dispenser for their pills to combat their decreasing sales.”