FDA Was Planning a Branding Campaign to Sell “Pink Slime”

Hey, kids! Cowelly says, "eat me!"

Washington, DC – Public disgust over the product being sold as ground beef known as “pink slime” has been exploding like a colon full of E. coli lately.  People had no idea the product, consisting of ground up fatty beef trimmings treated with ammonium hydroxide gas, was being served to our school children regularly and also sold in national supermarket chains in the form of those pre-made hamburgers people serve to neighbors at barbeques who are unworthy of grass-fed 100% beef.  And now the public outrage is about to get even bigger.

Unsolicited Drivel has exclusively uncovered a back room plot at the Food and Drug Administration to launch a huge marketing and branding campaign to dupe the public into thinking the “pink slime” is all natural.  A whistleblower at the agency told us, “Ever since Food Like Products, Inc., informed the press that they would have to close plants left and right as sales were plummeting, we knew we had to do something to stop the loss of those jobs for hard working Americans who don’t object to inhaling noxious chemicals all day. We hired a boutique branding agency, Lazy, Crazy & Heart Attack From Overwork, to come up with a mascot and we were going to present a campaign claiming that the pink slime came from a real animal – the Coweel.  They came up with a cartoon mascot, Cowelly, for the campaign.  People will buy anything with a cartoon mascot.  That’s why Charlie Tuna and that Bumble Bee have been so successful in spreading mercury poisoning.  And ammonium hydroxide exposure is great for Attention Deficit Disorder drug sales.   But now that you will be reporting this, they'll have to go back to the drawing board to sell pink slime. Without me. Maybe they can do a cross promotion with Pink Berry?  That stuff's not likely to be real food either.”