Rocker Ted Nugent Restricted to Hunting Own Head Lice (& Crabs)

Ketchikan - A District Court judge has ordered Ted Nugent to be restricted to hunting solely his own bodily varmints after he confessed to illegal black bear hunting.

The plea agreement states that the mouthy, right wing Motor City Madman illegally killed the black bear in 2009 (instead of killing the American public’s eardrums with his music) and as punishment he must now be limited to hunting his own head lice and not surprisingly - genital crabs.  And the judge also specified the use of a crossbow. 

Attorneys for Nugent didn’t return calls for comment.  However, one insider from the court proceeding told Unsolicited Drivel, “It was kind of embarrassing for Ted because he always advocates ethical hunting practices.  Of course, it wasn’t as embarrassing as when Ted opens his mouth to comment on President Obama.  Be that as it may, it was kind of a crazy sentence.  But there’s a rumor out there that it’s not as crazy as what the judge was initially considering – restricting Ted to only hunting with Dick Cheney.”