Monday, December 24, 2012

Hundreds of Millions of Kids Fear Santa Will Use Apple Maps This Year and Totally F*ck Them

Ho! Ho! Huh?

All over the Word - Hundreds of millions of kids who still believe in Santa, in whatever version they have of him in their countries (Black Pete, Duke of Yule, St. Nickelback, whatever...) expressed fear today that they will be totally screwed out of receiving their Christmas presents if Santa uses Apple Maps on his iPhone 5.

Kids in middle America were even forming a support group to quell their anxiety today at a Chuck E. Cheese in Decatur, Illinois.  Speaking to Unsolicited Drivel via Skype, the self-help group leader Aiden McAvarice told us "We are like, so TOTALLY worried.  It would be one thing if Santa's elves built the iPhone 5, but we heard Chinese people who are only fed aroma of rice while on the job did it.  We get lost on the way to Lacrosse matches all the time when our parents use Apple maps.  We experimented with one for looking for a place in Arkansas, where people believe in Santa well into their 50s and it came up as Afghanistan!  How are those kids going to work OUR 'Call of Duty Black Ops II' video games in a god damn cave with no electricity? Jesus Christ! We never thought we'd say this because we all plan to give ourselves carpal tunnel syndrome from text-bullying by age 12, but technology sometimes sucks."

1 comments so far :

Ghost of Steve Jobs said...

Go fuck yourselves.

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