Monday, December 17, 2012

Surviving the Holidays After a Break-Up

Dude, I just peed on your Crest White-Strips™
U.S. of A. - Making merry can be a challenging task this time of year after a divorce, or when you find your boyfriend who suddenly stopped returning your calls arranging a 3-way with a couple of coke whores he very likely found on Craig’s List at the Applebee’s by the airport on your way home from a business trip.

Even though suicide is very popular this time of year and is also likely to be more popular than even our U.S. Congress for many years to come, it’s still a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  So we at Unsolicited Drivel would like to offer you a survival guide for the St. Nicholas Lonely Hearts Club.

1. Plan Ahead – This will help you anticipate things that will put you down.  If you know you have an overly joyful group of Christmas Carolers who will come to your door, make sure to offer them some nice hot-mulled cider with enough Ketamine in it to knock down a chorus of full of Amy Winehouses so they will STFU immediately.  That way you can get back watching to your Homeland marathon in heavenly peace and see another depressed chick suffering from unrequited love.

2. Start Your Own G.D. Christmas Traditions -  If you are recently divorced and have also been the one who typically decks the halls and buys all of the presents, force these duties off on the ex-spouse who will be obligated to take them on due to guilt and the failure of the marriage.  Make this very clear this is HIS (or her) fault – either due to infidelity, not sharing their really good drugs, or bilking innocent Americans out of their life savings via a hedge fund that those talking babies from E-trade would have done a more honest job of running.  Tell him for the foreseeable future, you will be spending every holiday in Cabo San Lucas wearing a mis-matched bikini (just like Jennifer Aniston or if you are a guy Gerald Butler) right after you collect your first spousal and/or child support check for a little nip/tuck.  If complaints are voiced about spending the money on yourself, just say these three words  “camera phone pictures” and your ex is likely to shut the f*ck up PDQ.

3. DO reach out to friends and family – Just tell them you appreciate their concern, but you already know where the liquor store is.  And if they were really worried about you committing suicide, they should have refrained from sending that fruitcake in the first place.

4. Connect with the True Holiday Spirit – Regardless of your religious background, Google the organizations that are ringing bells and collecting money for the poor this holiday season. Giving back to the community feels good, but when you are appalled to find out these same organizations give back to radical right wing political organizations, give to Toys for Tots instead.  But just give cash because it’s not an organization where you can unload the sharp or flammable objects in your house you’ve been dying (almost literally) to get rid of.

5. Treat Yourself to a REALLY Nice Gift –
No, we are not talking about a spa vacation package, or a 12-year old bottle of single malt scotch. We’re not even talking about a Corgi puppy or a grumpy face kitten.  Pets are not a replacement for human “friends.”  Yet. Once they learn how to text they will be.  Anyway, think about that George Michael song where he sings, “last Christmas I gave you my heart…” then insert the new lyrics “when all you deserved was a really big fart…” Then treat yourself to the greatest gift of all by making this solemn pledge: I WILL NO LONGER SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE OF NO FUCKING VALUE!  Just remember, that doesn’t include yourself if you are reading this right now.  These self-involved ass-hats are very easy to recognize….They’ll be the ones who ask you for first time all evening in the parking lot after drinks or dinner, “so, what’s new with you?” while they are unlocking their car door.

Have a happy holiday anyway!  It can be done.


The Drivel Lady
Like, where's Ashlee? We are so ready to get this party started!

1 comments so far :

Anonymous said...

Where do I find Ketamine? I'm two seasons behind on Homeland.

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