Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Year in Lindsay Lohan

I know she still has time to get arrested before New Years Eve, but I am starting my year end reviews this weekend.  I like to do a "Year in Celeb-u-tards" review, but Lindsay deserves her own exclusive compilation.  So here goes!

Lindsay Lohan Okay with PANNED SNL Performance
New York – Lindsay Lohan’s hosting gig for Saturday Night Live last weekend has been universally panned.  But a rep of the fading starlet insists she’s doing just fine and isn’t bothered by critical remarks about her performance like, “more wooden than her L.A. court judge’s gavel,” or “I thought she’d get paper cuts on her eyes from the cue cards.”

Lohan’s camp told Unsolicited Drivel, “Everything with SNL went according to plan. Lindsay was deliberately was trying to show the audience that her eyes weren’t dilated by being dependent on the cue cards.  And I must say she did a bang-up job of not knowing her lines.  However, if we had known the writers weren’t going to hardly give her anything to do just because she spent more time on a press junket than in rehearsal, and that most jokes would revolve around substance abuse, we would have totally insisted she play the tipsy Cinderella in the Real Housewives of Disney sketch instead of Kristen Wiig.”


What's Next For Lindsay Lohan? 
Judge Stephanie Sautner released the troubled starlet from her formal probation for DUI and her five finger jewelry discount this afternoon. The judge was adamant that Lohan stay out of the night clubs and concentrate on her career. I hope Lindsay went straight home from the court and didn't stop at Happy Hour or something.

Lindsay Lohan to Pitch Reality Show Based Upon Recurrent Scuffles
Los Angeles – If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!  Fading starlet Lindsay Lohan is allegedly planning to pitch a new reality show based upon her recurrent scuffles with people in and outside and anywhere near nightclubs.  Tentatively titled Who Wants to Accuse Lindsay Lohan of Battery? the show will primarily center around people who claim Lohan either threw a drink in their face, scratched them, or clipped them with her car.  As there will never be any credible witnesses because they are either drunk or high, the plaintiffs will have to convince the studio audience and America about the validity of their claims that will be voted on via text message, or by simply throwing their smart phones at the TV.

A spokesperson for Lohan told Unsolicited Drivel, “We got the idea when some woman accused Lindsay of assaulting her at the Standard Hotel last week so soon after she allegedly hit that one guy with her car instead of clipping baby strollers like she usually does. Lindsay insists she was at home on the night in question watching Homeland and why wouldn’t I believe she could be so engrossed in a show about another bi-polar hot mess that she would forgo clubbing?  That’s when I realized that pretty much anyone would want to accuse Lindsay of battery, given the chance, and I came up with the idea for the show. I can’t wait to pitch it.  It will also be helpful to have this as a backup project once she ruins the memory of beloved screen legend Elizabeth Taylor in her upcoming Lifetime movie biopic and Liz’s fans try and club her even without the TV cameras involved.”

First Pic of Lindsay Lohan as Liz Taylor!
Wow!  That didn't take long.  Just a day after the tabloids reported that Megan Fox, who was also allegedly up for the role of Elizabeth Taylor, is supposedly pregnant, Lifetime TV formally announced Lindsay Lohan's casting in Liz and Dick.  They've have moved production to LA so that Lindsay won't be offending Canadian citizens during filming and have already been trying out some hair and make-up looks.  Check out this very first picture!

Lindsay Lohan Can’t Find “Dick”
Los Angeles – Fading starlet Lindsay Lohan is said to be very unhappy with the casting choices presented to play Richard Burton in her upcoming TV movie biopic of Elizabeth Taylor, Liz and Dick.

Believing she had some sort of casting control, Lohan originally wanted Scottish actor Gerard Butler for the role of the cinema icon.  But Butler feared that he would forget who Lohan was even as he was banging her in her trailer and he declined the role.

So where does this leave the Lifetime Network when they are about to start shooting the film?  A production assistant told us exclusively, “We’re probably going to have to go with one of those dudes from either Gossip Girl or CSI.  It’s not the network’s fault that Lindsay can’t sit still long enough to watch an entire TV show to actually know who the actors are.  I don’t know why she thinks she has casting control over the Burton role anyway.  Would you believe she even wanted to move our efforts to Wales and launch a reality show called So You Think You’re a Dick? to find a co-star?!?”

Lindsay Lohan's $40,000 Tanning Bill Explained
Lindsay Lohan is being sued for $40,000 in unpaid tanning bills from a salon in Las Vegas.   Our in-house tabloid has figured out why the fading starlet struggled to stay so tan!

BFFs peeps!

 Lindsay Lohan to Dr. Phil: You Didn’t Understand My Mom at All!
New York, NY – One-time actress and legging designer (WTF?) Lindsay Lohan has complained that Dr. Phil has taken advantage of her mother, Dina, even going so far to say the therapist (who got his degree by mailing in a box top off of a box of Lucky Charms) was even “meanful.” Slurring further, "I KNOW mean girls when I see them!"  Which is kind of odd remark to make because we thought Phil was a dude.

Dina Lohan recently made an appearance on the talk show host’s program and appeared wobbly and disoriented leaving most of America to think, “I’ll have what she’s taking.”

In an exclusive interview with Unsolicited Drivel, la Linds to told us, “Dr. Phil the pill just didn’t get my mom at all.  That whole interview was a performance art piece where she was really auditioning to play me in my life story, which they’ll probably make a movie of on Lifetime Network shortly after I turn 27.  Mom is perfect to play me because she now looks more like me than I do myself.  Well, she looks younger than I do anyway.  Gee, that Botox shit’s a-fucking-amazing.”

In other Lindsay Lohan related news, Christian La Bella, a congressional aide for a GOP Rep from the great state of Illinois, was recently arrested for assaulting Lindsay in NYC after a night of nearly not enough shooters.  The charges were later dropped, as Lohan didn’t require medical attention.  Therefore, just like most of his colleagues on Capitol Hill, La Bella is also incompetent.  

Romney Amazingly Receives the Crucial Coke Fiend Endorsement
Gimme Mitt, gimme Miit!
Los Angeles, New York, or whatever city she’s currently terrorizing – Fading starlet Lindsay Lohan took time out of her busy schedule from clipping people in the knees with her Porsche this week to endorse GOP candidate Mitt Romney.

Lohan’s mother Dina is supposedly 1.3 million dollars in debt and her lovely daughter and club-hopping partner is just really trying to help her out.

She told Unsolicited Drivel exclusively, "Unemployment is a very important issue.  Especially mine.  Although I do see a future in porn and Jenna Jameson did endorse Mitt after all. And you know how much blow (Peruvian, natch) Grey Goose, hair extensions and criminal defense are going for these days?  Not cheap.  But how would you know?  You're just a poor satirist.  Anyway,  Romney totally would give me a tax break so I wouldn't have to change my lifestyle. Plus, he's got five hot sons if I decide to go back to dudes.  I know Mitt can't enjoy any happy powder or silly juice because of his religion...what is it called again?  Moronism?  But the war on drugs has been a complete failure anyway.  Maybe I can give him tips on ending it.  I don’t know if you noticed, but my mom’s not as good at turning me into a fame whore as that old Kardashian slag.  If Mitt gets the coke fiend/alcoholic vote, it’s only a matter of time before he gets the pot-heads, crack-heads, and meth-heads too….if they remember to show up at the polls.  Maybe I’ll do a motivational video for them and launch it on the youtubes?!?  I’d get a chance to act again.  And not just on cheater/beater/theater.  I mean the Lifetime network. And I’m tired of hearing Michelle Obama tell us to eat vegetables.  Everyone knows a person can survive on Red Bull and Marlboro Reds.  Bitch.”

 Unsolicited Drivel’s Official “Liz and Dick” Drinking Game

Should probably strangle her instead.
Cheater-beater-theater, aka The Lifetime Television Network, is premiering the much anticipated movie biopic of the tumultuous relationship between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton – “Liz and Dick” tonight.  The TV movie is supposed to be fading starlet Lindsay Lohan’s big “comeback.” Producer Larry A. Thompson had been quoted as saying that working with Lindsay “was not for the faint-hearted,” having had to insure her at 10 times the normal rate compared to a non-train wreck actor.  Co-star Grant Bowler, who plays the rugged Welsh actor Burton, was allegedly overheard saying, “I had to summon up the patience of Gandhi to work with that sleazy little guttersnipe mates!”

Critics have been bashing the film mercilessly since they screened it last week and have suggested if one is fond of drinking games, “Liz and Dick” is not for those who are faint of liver either.  However, we at Unsolicited Drivel thought we would come up with some suggestions anyway…

Take a drink every time you wish the deadly asp would have killed Lindsay as Cleopatra looooong before she meets Grant Bowler as Mark Antony.

Take a drink every time you think Taylor's husband Eddie Fisher is clueless about Liz and Dick’s clandestine affair because he’s so high on cocaine he doesn’t even notice her trailer is rocking while he's speed walking around the 20th Century Fox studio lot.

Take a drink every time Liz makes Dick feel inferior as he grew up poor in Wales and he believes that diamonds will shut a bitch up.

Take a drink every time you wish that when they play George and Martha in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” the couple would just get it over with and bludgeon each other to death with whiskey bottles already.

Take a drink based upon how many times you imagine Lindsay Lohan whined at the director refusing to play Liz as fat during Taylor's chubby years.

Take a drink every time Grant Bowler has a distressed look on his face that seems like he wishes he’d never left New Zealand for Hollywood.

Take a drink every time you think Director Lloyd Kramer contemplated going back to his trailer and on Xanax and Oxy due to Lohan’s bumper car driving and “exhaustion.”

Take a drink every time your mind is boggled at how Lindsay didn’t even attempt to sound classy like Dame Elizabeth and just used her ruined Marlboro Red/Coke-head burnout voice instead.  Then call 911.

Lindsay Lohan Will Cut a Bitch (Down)
Future black eye/file mug shot
New York - As per usual, ignoring the wisdom of the old adage, “Nothing good ever happens after 2AM," fading starlet and memory of Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor destroyer, Lindsay Lohan, was arrested for assault last night after 4AM nightclub brawl.

According to witnesses, Lohan and the alleged victim, whose name has not been released pending more bruises forming and her filing a law suit against Lohan, the two got into a scuffle after the woman said of Lohan’s latest Lifetime movie “Liz and Dick” something like, “I’ve seen better performances in barnyards – by chickens who have just had their heads cut off.  They certainly seemed less bored than you did during that piece of shit movie.”

Police were called quickly to the scene, hauling Lohan off in handcuffs while she was wailing her usual battle cry, “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!”

Unsolicited Drivel
spoke with Lindsay’s latest new manager (who will probably quit by tomorrow) and he told us, “I know you haters out there feel like Christmas just came early, but I hope you will show Ms. Lohan some compassion.  Obviously, bitch-slapping a bar-fly is going to be a probation violation, on top of her other probation violation of lying to police about her car crash last summer, so I fear it is likely she will end up back in the pokey.  She has had a very bad week. She’s tough and she was handling the scathing reviews of her Lifetime movie quite well until a friend in LA told her that flowers had been arriving by the truckload at Forest Lawn cemetery from Dame Elizabeth Taylor’s fans to express sympathy over the film.  For you non-haters, there is some good news at least as far as Lindsay tax problems are concerned.  Her accountant tells me she will probably have enough mug shots by now to publish a 2013 calendar. And if we include her incoherent late night Tweets as well as the pictures, it should sell in record numbers and she will no longer have to risk getting crabs from Charlie Sheen for another tax loan to pay her debt to the IRS.”

Lindsay Lohan Has FINALLY Thanked Charlie Sheen for Tax Loan
You didn't get those crabs from ME!!
Hollywood - What better way to say "thank you" than to say it with flowers?  Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan, who recently had her bank accounts seized by the IRS, has FINALLY thanked one-dimensional fellow actor Charlie Sheen for his recent $100k loan for her to partially pay the IRS her back taxes.

Sheen and Lohan met on the set of Scary Movie 5,  a franchise which was already long dead, so Unsolicited Drivel was told that the casting of Lohan and Sheen seemed like a natural to producers.

Sheen had publicly been griping about Lohan's lack of gratitude lately, possibly on Twitter. Who knows as he deletes and reinstates his account more often that most people take a pee.  Anyway, he allegedly wrote something like, "that little ginger skank is such an ingrate, I wouldn't even snort blow off of her ass and lock her in a hotel bathroom!"

Lohan got wind of Sheen's angry outburst and quickly remedied the situation by having her on again/off again assistant Gavin send flowers and a thank you note to Charlie's Bel Air mansion because she couldn't Tweet a half hearted "thank you" because her fingers were down her throat.

We got a look at the thank you card and are pretty sure Lindsay had that perv photographer, you know, the one who will eventually shoot an underage model with a gun up her lady parts?  What's his name?  Oh yeah, Tyler Shields!  We think Shields helped Lindsay create the card:

As for which flower shop it was in Hollywood that created the "I'm sorry for being a self-involved a-hole" arrangement, we don't know which one it was, but we'd sure as hell like to find out!

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