GOP in Congress Secretly Push to Ban Celiac Disease

Put a sock in it, bitch.

Washington, DC – The 2013 Congress has just been sworn in and is apparently up to no good already.  Despite having a record number of women, people of color and gays and lesbians, the GOP (so we are told) is still trying to kill Americans.  This time by working to ban Celiac disease – that gluten intolerance that makes peoples’ colons explode if they eat wheat products.

We thought we would check in with one of the most evil GOP Congressmen who doesn’t get nearly enough attention - our very own shame of Maryland - Representative Andy Harris.  Harris was the first freshman Congressman to demand his new healthcare benefits after the 2010 election; voted against the Safe Routes to School program (so little kids can continue to become stains on the pavement while walking to school); had a journalist who was trying to film a documentary about the toxic natural gas extraction method fracking in Maryland arrested; voted against Hurricane Sandy relief when his very own district at home is in a flood plain; voted no on Agricultural Disaster Assistance to starve the farmers that voted him into office; and naturally, DOCTOR Harris voted against Obamcare. This is only a small listing of his "charms."

We called Rep. Harris’ office to make an inquiry about this alleged bill to ban Celiac disease and were only able to get an aide on the phone.  He told us, “I will neither confirm or deny your conspiracy theory about the GOP working to ban Celiac disease to please the Wheat lobbyists and/or the Pharmaceutical lobbyists who sell stomach medication.  It should be obvious to you by now that Rep. Harris doesn’t give a crap about farmers or the health of Americans.  I will say that most Americans would never even know the disease existed if that mouthy little harpy on ‘The View’ Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t constantly talk about it and Pepto Bismol sales would not have gone down.  So I wouldn’t be surprised if one day it appears like somebody slipped a Rufi into Whoopi Goldberg’s Kombucha tea and she sits on Elisabeth and smothers her. It could happen.  But you didn't hear that from me."