Pope to Resign From Lying; Cites Exhaustion

Arrivederci Roma!

Vatican City – In a very surprising announcement, Pope Benedict XVI confirmed today he’s going to resign at the end of this month due to “frailty.” The Pontiff made the announcement in Latin and fortunately, there are still people who still understand the ancient language so that the Catholics of the world could know he was throwing in the POINTY WHITE HAT.  Despite being the oldest Pope elected at 78, Ben Ratfinker decided he was quitting that bitch. Uh, we meant church.

Our usual correspondent at the Vatican, Cardinal Scungilli Fungi told Unsolicited Drivel, “You would-ah think-ah that-ah person-ah could-ah have-ah an infite-ah room-ah for the lies-ah. But-ah there’s-ah, only so much-ah, a Pope-ah can fit under his hat-ah. Even with-ah, de whole-ah infallibility thing-ah.”

The Catholic Church has been surrounded by a worldwide pedophilia scandal for years (for those of you whom are reading this and just landed at an Internet cafe from the Planet Mars) and Pope Benedict is rumored to have an entire vault filled with evidence to prove guilt.  This is according to his butler, his cook, the dude who polishes his rosaries and crucifix, and his haberdasher. Sad news for roving reporter Geraldo Rivera, as it’s the ONE (and perhaps ONLY) vault anyone would have given a crap about him opening and Benedict gets to keep it as a retirement present.