Thursday, May 30, 2013

MSNBC Not Crazy Enough For Big Ratings

She's too rational for herself...too rational for herself...
New York - Bad news for the anchors at MSNBC.  Even after a month of disasters including the Oklahoma tornado, the new-n’-improved-Casey Anthony Jodi Arias’ sensationalistic murder trial and the IRS spying on a political party that is dumb-ass-backwards enough to name itself after tax dodgers, the cable news network fell into 4th place. In fact, the network saw its lowest ratings since 2007!

Unsolicited Drivel asked our media analyst for comment on the network’s decline.  She told us, “It’s disappointing for them.  They certainly have some of the more intelligent anchors. But unfortunately, they just can’t bring the crazy like Fox or CNN and America gets crazier by the day.  We can thank the religious right and the gun nuts for that as well as the media that reports on them incessantly when they are actually a minor portion of our American population.  But MSNBC doesn’t do very well at sensationalism and they often have their facts straight and are kind of quiet. Of course Chris Matthews is pretty shouty, but he looks like that tweety bird from Bugs Bunny so it’s hard to concentrate on what he’s saying. Al Sharpton? I have no clue what he’s saying. Rachel Maddow is very sporty with her striped bass fishing and suave with her drink mixing, so if she could convince middle America she was actually a man, she’d probably pull in more viewers. Although there’s no guarantee there. I'll have go with a maybe. But Rachel’s still not an alleged phone hacker like CNN's Piers Morgan. Being a criminal is pretty sexy to America right now. Especially during this economy. I think really the only solution for MSNBC to boost ratings is to start reporting fake news like CNN did with the Boston bombing.  That way viewers will tune in just to watch the f*ck ups.”

UPDATE: This just in. The jury in Arizona has sentenced Jodi Arias to spending a weekend with Governor Jan Brewer as to not take the blame for handing out the death penalty. This way, Ms. Arias' fate of spontaneous human combustion is guaranteed. We scooped MSNBC!

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